Midst of D, R even further on the downswing

[NoDirection]

I have had a lot of experience with taking the high road... My STBX still likes to initiate verbal altercations in front of our S. Even this Saturday she started and even though I was bascially forced to leave my S to stop the altercation, I knew it was the right thing to do.

As for the whole dating thing, you are exactly right. If it is meant to be, they will be there when things are said and done.

As for court, my STBX is already off to a bad start. On our initial court date, she was late and had to called in from the waiting area. When we tried to work out a visitation schedule, she refused and then stared a hole through me in the courtroom. Finally when the judge made mention to her about not being late, she snapped back at her. I hate to say it but she is a piece of work...

[runningoutoftime]

Sadly, it sounds like she has a lot of growing up to do.

On the positive side, if she's looking bad in court that will make it much easier for you to appear the calmer, more reasonable, responsible and the more mature parent. From that point of view she's doing you a favor. Just stay calm, and try to stay emotionally detach (I cannot stress the importance of this). Leaving calmly and quietly when the language or fighting erupts sounds good. (Visualize yourself as a parent with an out-of-control teenager or someone who just happens to be around some mentally ill-stranger.... pull your own personal feelings out of it. I found that made it much easier for me to stay detached no matter what my H said, and I'd even find humor in his words or behavior).

Also, when things were tense or emotional with my H, I would avoid face to face contact, and try to conduct all business through email or written messages, etc...

You might want to consider doing this. But I need to warn you. Keep any and all writing completely emotionless, calm, business-like, and cordial. That way absolutely nothing can be brought into court that can make you look unreasonable. However, if she's writing threatening emails or notes (like saying you'll never see your son) or nasty, ugly things about you or your character. Well... that may be something to keep in a file for when you go to court....

[NoDirection]

Time,
I am already practicing what you are preachin'... Anytime she begins to get worked up, I simply tell her to talk to my lawyer and that actually sets her off even more.

She continues to try and get me to get upset since one of her things she is accusing me of is anger problems. When I do not respond, again it drives her nuts. Since June most of our conversations have been through writing so I have a paper trail.

I have done my best to keep my responses as busines like as possible but I got to admit I have not been perfect on that one...

[runningoutoftime]

>>I have done my best to keep my responses as busines like as possible but I got to admit I have not been perfect on that one...<<

Well D can be hugely emotional. It's a very challenging time for anyone. And it only makes it more challenging when a spouse is out of control.

But you sound really good. I think you understand that staying business-like and avoiding as much emotional conflict as possible will only be better for you. High five!!!

[NoDirection]

Time,
Thanks... Keeping things business like has also helped me detach from her. In all honesty I still want the best for her since she is the mother of our child but I know it will not come married to me.

We had a temporary court order put into place yesterday and it really put the reins on what she has been doing. Also, I will get basically 50% of the week, when I am not at work. I feel really good about it.

One step toward getting this all over with...

[runningoutoftime]

Yes, I found keeping things business-like helped a great deal with detachment and defusing some of the tension (although sometimes they do get a little angrier because a spouse's lack of anger can frustrate them... it's much easier to divorce someone you are angry at...).

I think the fact you want the best for her shows some very positive things about you. Being able to care about someone you've loved (and probably still have some love for) unconditionally (not requiring love or kindness in return) is very generous, and selfless. I think it reflects a lot of growth and maturity.

[NoDirection]

Time,
Thank you for the compliment. Early on in this I realized that I can only control me and do things that will maek people want to be around me. It was obvious from her behavior since June that I was not acting in a manner that she wanted to be around. After months of trying to improve me and make me more appealing, I realized that the time in which she would want to be with me would never come. Once she began keeping my S away from me, I knew there was no reason to remain married to her.

She is the model of someone who has to remain mad and is trying to do everything to make me mad. This weekend, we agreed to make sure there was someone available to be with our sick S. Saturday night, she goes out and has the guy who she has been dating since October come to the house and pick her up. There was an initial shock to it but then I realized, what kind of guy will come and do that and it was another futile attempt by her to get a rise out of me. Little did she know that my night was made by being able to hang out with my S. Anyone that knows me, knows that I would rather spend time at home with him than anything else in the world. Ultimately, I won...

[smith18]

Little did she know that my night was made by being able to hang out with my S. Anyone that knows me, knows that I would rather spend time at home with him than anything else in the world. Ultimately, I won...

A few times when W got mad at me she told me that I had to take care of the kids that night. To her, she thought that was punishment to me, but I actually enjoy spending time with my kids and I just thought of my W as being a selfish angry person. I won too!

[NoDirection]

KerryK,
It is funy that in their minds leaving the marriage is going out and enjoying the freedom from what was left behind. In my case, as I am sure it is in yours, you divorced the woman. Not the chioldren you had together. One of my greatest joys is spending time with our S.

We will never truly understand what goes on in their heads. In all honesty, I do not want too. In the long run, we will be the people our children come to in a time of need and the one who they look back at as always being there for them. Our X's are so short sighted in all of this that they will never understand that and to us come the rewards...

[NoDirection]

KerryK,
It is funy that in their minds leaving the marriage is going out and enjoying the freedom from what was left behind. In my case, as I am sure it is in yours, you divorced the woman. Not the chioldren you had together. One of my greatest joys is spending time with our S.

We will never truly understand what goes on in their heads. In all honesty, I do not want too. In the long run, we will be the people our children come to in a time of need and the one who they look back at as always being there for them. Our X's are so short sighted in all of this that they will never understand that and to us come the rewards...