Warm and Fuzzy

[still hoping]

Previous Thread: 18 months

My 2 year mark is a mere 3 months away. I don't want a D, but I think it's something that I may need to initiate. I love my H and I want my family back. He's done some terrible things and I don't think he's ready to face them. I don't know if he ever will be.

Throughout our R, he's never held me back from doing whatever it was I needed to do - even moving across the country by myself just after our engagement. I know it's not the same, but I want to be able to do the same for him. I love him enough to let him go. As cheesy as this may sound, my love should set him free. In a way, I think he feels that being married to me is still holding him back. I don't know. And I don't have any idea why he's not filing when, in the past year, he's given me no indication of ever wanting to work things out.

But, as my last ditch effort (and something I should have learned to do long ago), I'm going to do my best to create those warm fuzzy feelings every possible chance I get when I'm with H. (Thus, my new thread title... a reminder.)

The talk about finances we had over the weekend went ok. H made a little fuss over the size of the place I want (I think mostly because he's cramped in a tiny little place with ogre). But besides that, he was very nice and very generous with what he said he'll help me with. And he's followed through so far on everything he's said. We've also talked on the phone/emailed more frequently than usual, but almost all related to the financial issue.

H opened his own office probably a year ago. He has never once asked me to go there. If I ever said anything about going there, he'd say he'd meet me somewhere else. This week, he actually let me go. I saw no sign of the ogre's friend who works there - not sure if she's just away or if she no longer works there. H made himself busy while I was there. It was obvious. He even ordered himself lunch without asking if I wanted any or even asking if I had eaten. He did, however, come with me when I asked if he wanted to meet my friend's husband who coincidentally works in the same obscure building. He ended up chatting with him for a while - and I actually heard H laugh the way he used to laugh.

I am seeing more and more of the old H coming out. I miss him and am sad that he's both within my grasp physically, yet still so far away. I want to have faith in him that he will pull himself out of this. But it's a difficult task and in the end, maybe H just isn't the same guy I married.

No matter what, I figure I can't go wrong with warm and fuzzy. That's my plan and I'm stickin' to it.