I'm Finally Ready to "Drop the Rope"

[fooled again]

Mike,

Yeah, I know you though I was close and I guess I thought so too. But honestly, there have been little signs along the way that I let pass, hoping that in doing so I would show him that I really have forgiven him and I really am able to leave the past behind and concentrate on our future. Obviously he's not able to do that himself. So I have to say to myself that this is not getting me anywhere and I have to step away.

Our sitch's are different in that your W is pushing for a D, but the deception of my H is truly unbearable. I want to shake him and tell him that we are not children, that I am not stupid, that this is real life, not some stupid game. But I know that would do nothing, or at least nothing productive. So I'm getting on with my life too.

Do you feel that calmness, that peace as if some annoying low pitched noise has finally stopped? I always knew I would know when it was time to stop trying. And it was as clear as a bright sunny day to me.

Now I have to be as positive and supportive as possible b/c D is in for some rocky times, as evidenced by the fact that she cried for nearly an hour tonight after H left. I managed to get her giggling before she went to sleep though, so I consider that a big success since her sadness always used to upset me. A switch has truly been flipped for me.

Your friends wedding should be fun, despite and because of the fact that you're moving on. I've always loved weddings, and they're a great opportunity to celebrate life and remind yourself that there will always be hope and love in the world, we just have to open our eyes to it. I'm hoping to make it to my niece's wedding this summer (she's actually my H's niece, so there's a chance he may go too.)

FA

[Tipper]

FA,
I think you are making a good decision. This is what is best for you at the given time and you seem to know it.

It is good to hear you say you have not shut & locked the door forever. Just temporarily move forward and focus on you.

I wish I had your strength right now. I still worry about every move and word and contact I make with my H. I know I need to drop things more also, I just find that my Heart wont let me.

Stay well and stay healthy and keep us updated with your progress moving forward on your own.
TIPPER

[JAK58]

[/quote]I'm getting off the roller coaster - I've been there too long, I have the t-shirt and the tattoo to prove it (honestly, I got a tattoo last Fall!). It sounds ridiculous but every time I see it, it reminds me of how strong I am (it hurt like a b*tch!) and that every day I get stronger and stronger.

FA,

This is so funny. I did the same thing. Got a Tat on my wrist, only mine didn't hurt. People were wondering if I was in a MLC.

I know im strong enough to make it without H even have things planned if need be, and im about ready to just drope the rope too.

He said he can't give me what I need; I said he won't. It doesn't matter anymore.[quote]

This is what my H keeps saying. My thought is that he can't because he is still thinks to much about OW and what could have been, thus not letting himself feel the emotional connection to me. My problem is we are still living together and he sucks me in every time I try to detach some more and it's tiring.

JAK

[butterflymom]

FA - Detachment. Hard concept to explain, let me see if I can.

Detachment is not necessarily being cold and distant and not engaging them in any way.

I managed to be detached from FW while still having sex with him 2-3 times a week.

WHAT!?!??!? How does that work? To be honest I'm not sure how I was able to do it, but detachment is actually a very loving and respectful thing to do.

It doesn't necessarily involve going dim or dark, though those things could help you achieve detachment if you can't get there any other way. I didn't go dim or dark, but I never pursued FW either. I let him come to me.

Detachment is letting his emotions and actions not affect yours.

When he does something nice or starts coming around more - no expectations of anything other than just those nice acts. Don't get your hopes up.

When he acts mean and doesn't call - no letting yourself get down and reading something into it that may or may not be there. Don't get discouraged by this.

True detachment is tricky. I was one of the lucky ones that "got it" right away.

At first I fought it because I thought it was a horrible thing. Thought is was so unloving and cold, but once I really understood it I realized that it's one of THE most loving things you can do for another person (and for yourself!)

You drop all notions of how someone is supposed to act. You stop trying to control their actions through your own because you can't control them anyway and you just live your life and let them live theirs while still loving and respecting them.

It is a very hard concept to understand, but a very effective one if you can do it "right".

That's what I mean by living your life like he's not coming back. You are always going to love him. You are always going to be connected to him because of your daughter. You are always going to have to get along and be able to talk to him and make decisions with him concerning her welfare. True detachment will allow you to do this without the horrible emotional roller coater that is MLC.

Good luck. I'll be reading along.

BFM

[Lissie]

BFM is like a pro, Hi sweetie say hi to my favorite weirdo

I read this many times, it might help you too.

LETTING GO TAKES LOVE

To let go does not mean to stop caring,
it means I can't do it for someone else.
To let go is not to cut myself off,
it's the realization I can't control another.
To let go is not to enable,
but allow learning from natural consequences.
To let go is to admit powerlessness, which means
the outcome is not in my hands.
To let go is not to try to change or blame another,
it's to make the most of myself.
To let go is not to care for,
but to care about.
To let go is not to fix,
but to be supportive.
To let go is not to judge,
but to allow another to be a human being.
To let go is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes,
but to allow others to affect their destinies.
To let go is not to be protective,
it's to permit another to face reality.
To let go is not to deny,
but to accept.
To let go is not to nag, scold or argue,
but instead to search out my own shortcomings and correct them.
To let go is not to adjust everything to my desires,
but to take each day as it comes and cherish myself in it.
To let go is not to criticize or regulate anybody,
but to try to become what I dream I can be.
To let go is not to regret the past,
but to grow and live for the future.

[butterflymom]

I'll tell him Hi from you Lis.

I love that poem or whatever it is.

I had it printed out and on my refrigerator during the time that FW was away and would read it at least once a day.

Hope you and M & M are doing well!

BFM

[fooled again]

Tipper,

I could not lock the door forever, not with a child in the picture. If it was just me, I probably would have been able to detach more easily, but woulda, coulda shoulda, right?

I will keep posting - you guys are my objective sounding board and you all know what it's like to be doing what we're doing. It's really hard to find that out there.

You keep strong too, Tipper. It is very hard not to react, but the less contact the better. I think these things take a lot of time to work themselves out.

FA

[fooled again]

jak,

It's true; whenever I start to detach H tries to suck me back in. It just happened today, of course it was about money. I started to get pulled into an argument and stopped. I guess I should be grateful that we're not living together through this - at least I have my space. I couldn't imagine living w/ someone who was having an ongoing A, though it is tough on my D.

As for OW, I decided yesterday that if he wants to be w/ her so badly (if she's still around) or if he wants that "free" life so badly that he can't find a way to be honest with me, then he can have that life, that OW, or whatever it is he wants right now. Like BFM suggested, he seems to want it all, and he can't have it anymore.

Everything we want comes at a cost, we just have to figure out if it's worth the price we have to pay to get it.

"...'cause I know, the grass is greener but just as hard to mow." John Butler, Better Than

FA

[fooled again]

BFM,

That's what I mean by living your life like he's not coming back. You are always going to love him. You are always going to be connected to him because of your daughter. You are always going to have to get along and be able to talk to him and make decisions with him concerning her welfare. True detachment will allow you to do this without the horrible emotional roller coater that is MLC.

I think this is the secret to being able to do what you were able to do. And this is what I want to be able to do, it's just that notion of not getting my hopes up that messes me up. H wants me to believe in him so badly, and whenever I do, I get hurt. I've been down this path so many times, I could walk it blindfolded. Remaining detached while still ML? I thought I was doing that, but slowly I let expectations creep into my heart and was interpreting his actions as showing he was close to coming home. His dropping off the radar for the w/end and not even contacting D was just too much this time. It was too reminiscent of what he did whenever he took off w/ OW. And you know, it's not even about me, it's about how hurt, how abandoned and rejected my D felt.

I know I have to figure out my own way to detach lovingly. This morning we had a fight about money, the details are not important. I know I screwed up - he came to me for a favor & though I said yes, I put some pressure on him for the first time in months. He reacted very negatively and it all started to go badly. Thankfully he ended the call before either of did too much damage. Later he sent me a text apologizing and I have yet to reply, only b/c I'm not sure what to say, what message I want to give.

You drop all notions of how someone is supposed to act. You stop trying to control their actions through your own because you can't control them anyway and you just live your life and let them live theirs while still loving and respecting them.

I think this is what I have to keep in my head, in my heart, remind myself of every single minute of every single day.

Thank you BFM,
FA

[fooled again]

Thanks for the reminder Lissie. I do have that pinned up at my desk at work. I think I need a copy for home too so I can read it every morning when I get up and every night b/f I go to sleep.

FA