unevitably aboard the D train...

[cat03]

wrote a post yesterday and forgot to hit reply! arrrgh!

Wasnt' feeling well, had a bad talk with H (sprung from dissagreements about the extra morn he wants kids and the tax return) Ended up with him leaving an angry vm and me doing the same, he said in his vm how he was going through things and that he was done arguing for the day. I couldnt' help myself (it was/is one of those "rock bottom" moments for me) so I unloaded.. brought up stuff he did to me, his lies, how that hurt, that if he thought he was going through something he had no clue what I was going through.

I'm rehashing old stuff, about how things could've gone if ow hadn't come into the pict, about how emotionally distant he was *before* ow came into view, how we had no connection, no matter what I tried. And I realize, if he hadnt' asked for D, if he were with me now, it'd be more of the same, me living with a zombie who didnt' feel much for himself much less for me.

He's told me before how he feels he's lost something, doesnt' know how to get it back and how miserable that makes him feel. He's lost himself, his goodness and has no clue how to live with himself. So, obviously, he had nothing to give me as a partner/friend/H.
Ow still a sore spot, I know she isnt the reason of our breakup, I think it is mostly that primal female jelousy I feel. I know that a good man would never allow such a person to interfere with his family, but as he is being friends or whatever with her is ok, he truly is empty.

Will try to remain objective as I rethink visitation, I might let him claim one kid. It is amazing how he actually grew a spine and is fighting for the kids, perhaps realizing that's the only good things he has left.

I had a good cry, after 2wks of no tears at all, guess I needed. I'll make a MC apt. next week, guess I haven't really forgiven H for all the indignities he's put me through these past 8mths, I need to let go of those things.