Hope4us' Struggle, part 2

[Puppy Dog Tails]

If she keeps stalling, I would say one of the following to her:

"OK, but please know that my patience is not infitite."

or

"OK, but I consider NO decision to also BE a decision, and will have to plan accordingly."

Do not TELL her your deadline, but HAVE one (for yourself), and let her KNOW that there is not an infinite amount of time to make her decision, and that what's left of your love for her is eroding every day.

Puppy

[Hope4us]

Thanks Pup. Not sure what is so difficult that she needs to think about it. 4 simple steps. I've already discussed the 4 things I need from her with DS19 and told him if she couldn't agree to do those then she wasn't serious and I would move forward with filing for separation/divorce. He agrees with me completely. He even asked me "what could be so terrible to say you'll never talk to the jerk again (and put it in writing to OM) and then read a book or two on marriage recovery after an affair if she's really serious?" I said "EXACTLY".

She better figure this out soon or I'll be the walk away spouse. I'm about at that point now. I've taken a look at the other side and to be honest, it looks pretty darn good.

[Sugar and Spice]

Puppy, I love your line about No decision being a decision and its precisely what I need to say in my sitch. Thanks.

H4U, I'm almost at the same point as you are and the other side is starting to look better everyday, but since you do still have some hope for reconcilliation, give her the opportunity to do whatever it is that she needs to do and be willing to let the chips fall where they may.

Good luck and may the best situation for you and your sons be the outcome!

[Hope4us]

Still no response from WW on my boundaries for giving our marriage a try. Time for the "come to Jesus" talk. If I don't get a response today/tonight I'm going to talk to DS15 and let him know what boundaries I've laid out and that his mom hasn't/won't respond to those so I'm going to ask her to leave.

Then I'm going to send her a note tomorrow that lay's it out. I'll post it in a while so everyone can comment.

[kat727]

I have been following your situation and I believe we have to go through all of this cr*p to get to the point where we find our boundaries. In the beginning we are all willing to fall all over ourselves to make nice, make them forgive us(for whatever we have done), beg, plead...well you get the picture. Then it seems to come with such clarity, why couldn't we just do this from the get go?
They have held the control of the situation for so long, that we have all felt helpless and now we find ourselves stronger and can say this is what has to happen for me to participate in this marriage any longer.
I hope the best for you. You deserve it.
kat

[Hope4us]

Thanks Kat. I appreciate the support. Haven't looked at your sitch but I will.

Ok, here's my note to her if she doesn't respond to my boundaries for going forward. It's kind of long, sorry.

WW,

I can only assume by your continued silence to my letter on Tuesday that either the three things I’ve asked for to make me feel safe in committing to working on our marriage are not acceptable to you or you have had no intention all along of giving our marriage an honest try and you saying you would was just another manipulation tactic in trying to stay in the house, save YOUR money, and make your planned exit when DS16 graduates. Your balking at three simple things that would show me just how sincere you are in giving us a try is very telling.

Your statement that you want to go out alone with “your” friends and have a life of your own without me involved and your locking of your cell phone reeks of secrecy, which NO marriage should have. If you are being truly open and honest with me then where is the need for this secrecy? I will not live in a marriage where secrecy is expected. That is not my idea of a true marriage where two people share their lives with each other, and if that is what you want in a marriage, then we are not on the same page as to what a marriage means and we should just end it now. I have no problem with you having your own friends and us having separate interests, but that exact separate secret life you’ve come to desire is why we are in the situation we are in right now. I have repeatedly taken my share of responsibility for the conditions of our marriage that made your affair possible and continue to make the commitment to you to work with you to understand those things and make the necessary changes so you will feel comfortable working on our marriage, but I get the impression that you still feel justified in what you and OM did. And as long as that justification is there we have no chance.

I’ve had a year of my life stolen already and I refuse to have another two years of my life taken from me. I’ve had you completely rub in my face your affair even after I discovered it. You have destroyed my confidence and made me question everything in my life that I knew and trusted and I WILL NOT stand for that any longer. You have lied to the kids and seem to be lying to them still by telling them you will try to make our marriage work when you can’t even agree to three simple things that would give us the best chance to save our marriage for US and for our family.

My only question is are you going to make me spend DS19's college money retaining a lawyer or are you going to do the right thing and find somewhere else to live without making me resort to that step? DS16 will be staying with me based on his wishes. Of course you can see him anytime you wish.

You have enough money now with “your” bonus to find somewhere to live and get set up. We can divide the things in the house so you will have furniture, a bed, dishes, silverware etc. I will find a way to take care of DS19's school/rent etc so you can have “your” money and live your life the way you choose without regard for the people in your life who truly love you for who you are. We can worry about making the divorce official after DS19 and DS15 graduate from their respective schools.

You must know this is not what I want, but your continued lies and deceit and unwillingness to be open and honest with me make this my only option and I refuse to waste another two years of my life putting myself emotionally into trying to save our marriage when you have no intention of even trying. I will not put up with this “game”, give our kids hope that we may make our marriage work only to have their lives ripped apart again in two years the way they have been the last year. I don’t deserve it and neither do they. You said in your email on Monday that you want to try to repair the damage that has been done to them. Do you really think faking it for the next two years just to split at that time without even trying will repair anything? It will only hurt them and me more.

I’ve told you many times I know how difficult it will be for you to end contact with OM. I’ve told you I will be there for you to help you through that difficult time, but it seems you are refusing my help or you have no intention of ending that contact. And it’s a shame that you are either unwilling or unable to make that break when you know there is no future with him.

Hope4Us.


Ok, what does everyone think?

[Puppy Dog Tails]

It's good, H4U. A little long, but good.

btw, someone (I think it was NOP, over on the old, pre-Valentine's Day Massacre SSM board) said this once (and I'm paraphrasing):

"Privacy is wanting the door to the commode closed when you're peeing. Hiding an affair is secrecy, and marriages shouldn't have secrets in them."

Your note does come across as unloving. As much as I can fully UNDERSTAND you feeling that way, and it may, in fact, be where you ARE right now, I do think that even if your wife WERE willing to work on this, she is probably thinking that it's too late.

And it may very well be. But if it is NOT, and if your offer is a sincere one, then I think you need to do a little editing to indicate that. I don't see anything in here that, if I were your wife, would make me feel like you still love me.

Puppy

[Tia]

Hi Hope4us!

You wrote:

I guess I am somebody. I think my first thread locked up. Here's the link to it.

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1394630&page=2&fpart=1

I clicked on it, and saw that the date was 3/19/08. I thought you were a newbie. Sorry!
=====
To Hope, lws, and Puppy Dog Tails...

I made a mistake. Something we all do sometimes.

I posted while feeling under the weather with a high fever and sore throat. Just wanting to help..... Didn't intend to confuse anyone. Nor do I hawk books as a living. I should have been in bed - yet tried to help someone else.

/Tia

[hopeful4her]

I am right with you, Kat. I am new to the site and have been following Hope's and Doing My Best threads as we are also in very similar situations. I have been on a roller coaster for the past 2 years, and reading Hopes thread has given me a new strength of what I know I really need to do.

Hope, betcha never figured that you'd be giving someone inspiration through your s****y experience. I hope and pray to reconcile with my wife and be able to give testimony to others that are going through the same thing, but I know now that I also have to protect myself and my little girls from her destructive ways and the otm. She wants out, she will be doing it alone. No more letting have her cake and eat it too ( I hate that saying, but appropriate). I will no longer be giving and giving and her just taking and taking. I hope you don't mind, but I may even plagiarize a bit of your letters.

[Hope4us]

Ok, Puppy, help me then. It may be too late for me. At this point I'm really thinking I don't even want to take the chance and make the effort that it will take. Like I said before, I've looked at the other side, and to be honest, it looks pretty darn good.

If I do decide I want to give her a sliver of hope that I may reconsider and give her a chance, how and what should I say?

In my note to her earlier this week I told her I still loved her and hoped she would come to her senses soon although I thought it was too late for that already. In this note I tell her that she must know this isn't what I want but her continued lies and deceit make me unable to care anymore. Thing is, maybe she needs to feel that I have lost my love for her to get her to wake up. And I'm not using that as a ploy, I really don't feel a whole lot for her. Last night she hardly said a word to me. I said hi to her when I got home and she just looked at me. She talked to DS16 in language that I think was meant to be her way of talking to me also, but nothing was directed at me.

So I just say WTF? Did she really end contact with the a-hole on Monday and she's feeling the affects of NC? Do I give her some more time? I feel like more of my life is slipping away and I'm doing more harm to the kids by giving them hope that there's a chance and right now the ONLY chance she has is to agree to my boundaries and show some real remorse, but she's still in the blame it on Hope4us mode as I'm the one that has caused all this and I'm just not willing to take it anymore. I mean, she said to me Monday night when I suggested a Retro weekend to work on our communications skills that she'd look at the website but it would be a long time before she went anywhere alone with me. Does that sound like someone that accepts responsibility for her actions and actually wants to work on the marriage? I told her in my note Monday that if she would write the NC letter that we could take the gloves off, have no R talks for a while and just spend time getting more comfortable around each other, and when I asked her Tues if she read my note she said "I read it and that's all I'm going to say tonight". Does that sound like someone who get's it and is really interested in trying to make our marriage work?