I think my in-laws like me better then they do my W. They know she is not stable but thier opion is we are both wonderful people but we are not good together and we both "deserve to be happy". Well I would be happy if my W would put some effort into our marrage and consider R but she is dead set on "getting things moving". I just want her to be happy no matter what. I don't worry about me, just her and the kids.
I am trying to keep busy and stay out of her way. The arguing is really starting to get to me and I am avoiding it in anyway possible. I also think she is spending a lot more time with OM but I can not speculate or worry.
BT, it concerns me when I read comments like "I just want her to be happy no matter what. I don't worry about me, just her and the kids." You cannot save your M if you value W's happiness above your own. Would you want to be with someone who doesn't value his or her own happiness? Part of saving your M is taking care of yourself, there is nothing wrong with wanting all to be happy, that is admirable, but include yourself in the equation!
1. Love - Development of self first priority. Toxic love - Obsession with relationship.
2. Love - Room to grow, expand; desire for other to grow. Toxic love - Security, comfort in sameness; intensity of need seen as proof of love (may really be fear, insecurity, loneliness)
3. Love - Separate interests; other friends; maintain other meaningful relationships. Toxic love - Total involvement; limited social life; neglect old friends, interests.
4. Love - Encouragement of each other's expanding; secure in own worth. Toxic love - Preoccupation with other's behavior; fear of other changing.
5. Love - Appropriate Trust (i.e. trusting partner to behave according to fundamental nature.) Toxic love - Jealousy; possessiveness; fear of competition; protects "supply."
6. Love - Compromise, negotiation or taking turns at leading. Problem solving together. Toxic love - Power plays for control; blaming; passive or aggressive manipulation.
7. Love - Embracing of each other's individuality. Toxic love - Trying to change other to own image.
8. Love - Relationship deals with all aspects of reality. Toxic love - Relationship is based on delusion and avoidance of the unpleasant.
9. Love - Self-care by both partners; emotional state not dependent on other's mood. Toxic love - Expectation that one partner will fix and rescue the other.
10. Love - Loving detachment (healthy concern about partner, while letting go.) Toxic love - Fusion (being obsessed with each other's problems and feelings.)
11. Love - Sex is free choice growing out of caring & friendship. Toxic love - Pressure around sex due to insecurity, fear & need for immediate gratification.
12. Love - Ability to enjoy being alone. Toxic love - Unable to endure separation; clinging.
13. Love - Cycle of comfort and contentment. Toxic love - Cycle of pain and despair.
Me: 54 Her: 50 and sexy as hell M: 32yrs T: 34yrs Bomb: Sept 26-07 "lost our emotional connection" Bomb 2: Dec 25-07 she's "not feeling desire" She asked if she could come home Apr 26-08! Everything's GREAT!
Makes sence. I will read this several times but by reading it it seems my R is more toxic then anything.
Whatisis, you are right but she is so miserable I really want her to be happy. Besides this sitch I am basically a very happy person already so I do include myself. I just worry a lot about her and the kids.
Very quite around here. I have been working on creating a lot of space. I am starting to realize that I am quite perturbed at her actions over the Funeral weekend last weekend. She did anything she could to piss me off but i was very strong and only there for her support. She didn't see it but I didn't expect her to. Well it's off to the lawyers next week. I am getting lots of offerers to take Ladies out thru close friends. I don't think this is a good idea at this point althought I miss a ladies companionship which I have not had in a long time. My head is just not into it. I can't see how my W's is. It is just beyond me. There are a lot of things i just don't understand right now. I guess it will come in time.
I could take a wild guess at who that friend is that's offering to set you up. Look at the responses to Fish's thread, and take that advice. A relationship now is not going to end up healthy for anyone involved. Focus on YOU, take some time to be alone. I know you miss female companionship, but that will come in due time. Any female worth seeing, is worth waiting for to have the best of you.
Me 36 Husband 35 D5 S2 separated: 10/29/07-present Served divorce papers 1/22/09 "When the world gives out beneath your feet, it is time to learn how to fly."
You are probabily right. There a bunch of people that want to set me up, but I am nowhere near ready. I relised that tonight when I saw someone who was always interested in me and i always got a special feeling when i saw her. My feeling was just kinda no way man. It just would not work. Maybe someday.
I am still really trying to make things work. It just seems like she is so far gone and she has her heart set on dating and maybe OM.
Dating is just a fantasy that fills my mind for the time being. Next week is a huge week with the L's meeting. I am nervous but this is a nessesary evil. I am staying in the moment, accepting and trying to keep things calm.
She informed me that her best friend fron Maine is coming down for a long weekend next weekend. This friend was very rude to me over the Funeral weekend. I really can't blame her for she is only hearing one side of the story but there was no excuse for her to be so rude to me. I told the W that I was not comfortable with her staying at the house for four days. I am also sure she will meet the OM during her stay which is very uncomfortable.
I have been reading your thread and want to say two things: 1) You said in one post your wife is manic depressive. Is this a real diagnosis or just you saying it? Is she seeing a psychiatrist? Is she on medication? This could be IMPORTANT. 2) She drinks a lot. Maybe you should join Alanon!
She has not been diagnosed but it is all through her family and one of my son's suffers from the same disorder. She will not see anyone for it. She is never in a good mood and feels the need to chew people apart at any moment. I have asked her to get on med's but she says she won't and she will not go see anyone. She has an anger disorder also. My Psyc says she may be By-polar and is definately depressed and only she can help herself. She is a mess. I feel so bad for her. She drinks way to much for a tiny girl. She comes home drunk all the time and drinks almost everyday. This is also all through her family. All of her social life revolves around drinking and hanging in bars. Not good.
