FA - Detachment. Hard concept to explain, let me see if I can.
Detachment is not necessarily being cold and distant and not engaging them in any way.
I managed to be detached from FW while still having sex with him 2-3 times a week.
WHAT!?!??!? How does that work? To be honest I'm not sure how I was able to do it, but detachment is actually a very loving and respectful thing to do.
It doesn't necessarily involve going dim or dark, though those things could help you achieve detachment if you can't get there any other way. I didn't go dim or dark, but I never pursued FW either. I let him come to me.
Detachment is letting his emotions and actions not affect yours.
When he does something nice or starts coming around more - no expectations of anything other than just those nice acts. Don't get your hopes up.
When he acts mean and doesn't call - no letting yourself get down and reading something into it that may or may not be there. Don't get discouraged by this.
True detachment is tricky. I was one of the lucky ones that "got it" right away.
At first I fought it because I thought it was a horrible thing. Thought is was so unloving and cold, but once I really understood it I realized that it's one of THE most loving things you can do for another person (and for yourself!)
You drop all notions of how someone is supposed to act. You stop trying to control their actions through your own because you can't control them anyway and you just live your life and let them live theirs while still loving and respecting them.
It is a very hard concept to understand, but a very effective one if you can do it "right".
That's what I mean by living your life like he's not coming back. You are always going to love him. You are always going to be connected to him because of your daughter. You are always going to have to get along and be able to talk to him and make decisions with him concerning her welfare. True detachment will allow you to do this without the horrible emotional roller coater that is MLC.
Good luck. I'll be reading along.
BFM
There is only one person who could ever make you happy, and that person is you. David Burns, Intimate Connections
