She is hurt and angry and probably does not want to take accountablility for anything. This is a normal reaction from a WAS.
Go to the relay for life, do not let this minor setback deter you from what you want. That is a better you, think of it as practice for your future. Bring your daughter play with her. I know how it feels to be served, you are working on all these things and instead of rewards, it is wham, I want out.
Again she has made up her mind, that is fine, do not let her dictate what you want to become. These changes will only help you with her or with someone else. Stick with it, and of course it is okay to be sad, just try not to crumble around her, a few tears is okay.
As far as counseling goes, do it, what have you to lose, you need to be on good terms with your Ex, unfortunately she will always be in your life because you share children together.
This is not a war, nobody wins, she isn't winning and you loseing. Your D loses the family structure, it is up to you and your W. to minimize the hurt for you daughter.
I also agree don't leave until everything is settled if she wants out she can leave.
My best wishs to you and your family. You will get through this, this is not the end. Don't allow it to be pitfall, it is just a hurdle, you can continue to improve and you will find happiness within yourself. Trust me sticking to the plan is the way to go.
Married:10 years D final 8/28/08 10 minutes is all it took Life goes on and DB was no small part in growing from the Divorce!
M, first off don't even think about how long D takes.It just doesnt matter. You have a child with her which in Tennessee inevitably slows the process. So just sit back and relax a bit.This will only affect you as much as you let it affect you.
I agree with TGF, you do not leave your home. If she wants to complain, she can pack her stuff up and get out.
Stop the conversations with her immediately. R talks are not in order right now. Not for nothing, but what a cowardly way to inform you that you will be served.
FYI...State of Tennessee, your Lawyer can accept service of papers for you to avoid any embarrassment at work or cops at your home.
Look M, the thing you need to keep in your mind is that this is her wagon to pull, not yours. Continue to work on the things you need to work on for yourself. It isnt about making her happy, it is about you becoming a happy person and seeing if she wants to share that life with you. She gets upset, validate her and walk away. Quit allowing her to drag you down to a fighting/arguing level. She is only doing this to make her bad decision seem like the right thing to do. If she wasnt arguing with you,was enjoying your changes, and you were happy, what would her excuse for wanting out be then?
Stay strong M, you still have a lot left to your sitch.
She is hurt and angry and probably does not want to take accountablility for anything. This is a normal reaction from a WAS.
Go to the relay for life, do not let this minor setback deter you from what you want. That is a better you, think of it as practice for your future. Bring your daughter play with her. I know how it feels to be served, you are working on all these things and instead of rewards, it is wham, I want out.
Again she has made up her mind, that is fine, do not let her dictate what you want to become. These changes will only help you with her or with someone else. Stick with it, and of course it is okay to be sad, just try not to crumble around her, a few tears is okay.
As far as counseling goes, do it, what have you to lose, you need to be on good terms with your Ex, unfortunately she will always be in your life because you share children together.
This is not a war, nobody wins, she isn't winning and you loseing. Your D loses the family structure, it is up to you and your W. to minimize the hurt for you daughter.
I also agree don't leave until everything is settled if she wants out she can leave.
My best wishs to you and your family. You will get through this, this is not the end. Don't allow it to be pitfall, it is just a hurdle, you can continue to improve and you will find happiness within yourself. Trust me sticking to the plan is the way to go.
very good advice and I appreciate you very much for sharing. Your posts give me great strength and make me want to continue and not give up.
M, first off don't even think about how long D takes.It just doesnt matter. You have a child with her which in Tennessee inevitably slows the process. So just sit back and relax a bit.This will only affect you as much as you let it affect you.
I agree with TGF, you do not leave your home. If she wants to complain, she can pack her stuff up and get out.
Stop the conversations with her immediately. R talks are not in order right now. Not for nothing, but what a cowardly way to inform you that you will be served.
FYI...State of Tennessee, your Lawyer can accept service of papers for you to avoid any embarrassment at work or cops at your home.
Look M, the thing you need to keep in your mind is that this is her wagon to pull, not yours. Continue to work on the things you need to work on for yourself. It isnt about making her happy, it is about you becoming a happy person and seeing if she wants to share that life with you. She gets upset, validate her and walk away. Quit allowing her to drag you down to a fighting/arguing level. She is only doing this to make her bad decision seem like the right thing to do. If she wasnt arguing with you,was enjoying your changes, and you were happy, what would her excuse for wanting out be then?
Stay strong M, you still have a lot left to your sitch.
Ian
Thanks Ian. It makes me feel good to know that complete strangers on this board care enough to offer me advice on my sitch. There are times when I feel I can't continue on.
M, how are things going for you today? Any change in your sitch?
No, no change. Still waiting on papers to be served. She is staying home and I am there also. I suspect that she will have them served at my workplace. Problem with that is this (not a problem for me, but for her I suppose) I work at a big company that is very very secure. It has it's own security, own fire department. It is a city in a city. Anyway there are many entry and exit points, so if she is having them served here, outside the county we live in then I think it may be a few days before I get them. Logical thing would be to have them served at my house, but there's nothing logical about what she is doing. We have another MC session Tuesday. That may be either a good or bad thing. I don't know if she's going back or not. I am keeping the appointment.
There is one thing that happened yesterday. Due to the venom she spit on Monday night I forgot to set the coffee pot for Tuesday morning. We live in a log home so the house and me are a little noisy at 5:00am every morning. I got up and made coffee, which in turn woke the dog up which in turn woke her up. I went about my business of getting ready to go to work. She went back to bed. I got in the car and accidently hit the button for the garage door opener by mistake, the garage door slightly opened, the door is under my D2 bedroom so I know it made a lot of noise. I caught the door before it fully opened and got it shut then stood outside and listened. I did not hear anything in the house so I went on to work. Around 2:00pm yesterday I sent her an email asking if she was bringing our D home after work or if she was staying somewhere else?? Also apoligized for accidently hitting the button for the garage door and waking her while I was leaving. She replied back that she thought I hit the garage door button ON PURPOSE and that she was bringgind D home after stopping by the WICKED WITCHES house (her mom). This was my reply, I thought I did OK, some of you may not think so.
Kim, you must understand one thing and I know it’s hard for you to. I am not a SOB who would intentionally hit a garage door opener to wake a daughter who I love more than anything in this world at 5:00am. You can choose to believe that I am and I truly understand why you would think of me that way. I’m sorry that thought crossed your mind. I am sorry that there was drama last night. It was not my intention. Due to the drama I forgot to set the coffee pot, which in turn woke you and I apologize for that. If I’m waking you in the morning on a regular basis then please let me know and I will forgo the coffee and change the way I go out as to not disturb you. In the future I suggest all relationship talk be confined to counseling night. Just as we had been doing. Co-Exist in the house, keep the house running as normal as possible with as little drama as possible, for you, Caleigh, the animals and me
You guys can let me kniow how I did with the reply. You all know better than I.
Well, still no papers. It's Friday, can anyone tell me why I feel so F***ing sad on Friday?? Why I get so damn emotional on Friday? At work of all places??
Went out after work yesterday with a friend of mine. He's been divorced twice and tying the knot again. We drank beer, ate wings and watched a bit of the Masters on TV at a local place. I had not seen him in a while. It was good. I had a good time. Hair cut after that and got some therapy from my stylist. She is divorced also. She listened and offered some suggestions and prayers. Mostly prayers.
I'm continuing to do the things I have been doing, but I can't see any effect now. I don't see any slowing down or stopping where we are heading. I have told her to go if she needs to go. I am very sad.
I weighed 232 on Oct. 1st of last year when I started working out. I am at 200 now and can't stop losing weight. My appetite is good and I am eating quite a bit but can't gain. I don't want to drop below 200. People are commenting that I have lost too much weight.
I am going to my W's Relay for Life event tonight and taking my D2. My W knows we are coming. I am meeting W/D at a local restaurant to eat before we go to the event. W's suggestion. But I don't take that as a positive.
I don't think you lost too much weight. Stress is a funny thing some gain weight and some lose weight. Like you I lost 30lbs on the impending divorce diet. (Not recommended) though.
Okay your sad on Friday because you don't work the weekend and you don't have work to distract you. Weekends probably were family time and you miss it. You need a hobby or constructive activity, that might help alot.
I would say that right now forget positives and negatives, because stuff changes hourly and this point in life anyways. Do not dwell (spend too much time on one thing). I did, it doesn't help. I looked for any signs, would read into anything and everything. Useless at this point, when we are at this point we are too focused on the other. Forget that, when you were "happily" married, did you worry about everything the other said or did. Nope you didn't, when you were single were you fixated on one thing. Probably not.
You are fighting for your marriage, you have acknowledged mistakes that you have made, you have made an effort to change, you might be in the best shape of your life. You are focused on your children more than ever, and you are supporting your wife in her time of need!
That's right you are supporting her, you are letting her work out her issues without beating her up verbally or forceing her to do what you want. In the end, you are giving her a gift that very few others could, you are loving her unconditionally, if only for a short time. Bravo brother, things will get better, you will heal, life is what you make of it, give yourself time to heal and don't be too hard on yourself.
Our parents did not teach us on to deal with this, the schools failed to talk about this in class.
Married:10 years D final 8/28/08 10 minutes is all it took Life goes on and DB was no small part in growing from the Divorce!
She's not mad that I am reading or trying, she's upset that it took her filing for divorce to get me to really see and notice that I needed to do something.
Hi M i've been reading your story, and I see this all over the show. Why did it take a D to make you change? The thing is, if I understand DBing correctly ANY partner can be the first to change, and that should set the domino effect of changes in the R in motion. My question is: If she needed you to change so badly, why did she not change herself? I am not suggesting you tell your W this. But I do think you should not beat yourself up about this. She is just as guilty as you are for the decline of your R. The difference is that she is not willing to take responsibility to repair what she has helped to break, while you are. Did this D promt her to change? No. But you have changed. You are the hero in this sitch.
Me 43 W 42 M 1998 S16 S15 D7 D4 bomb 07/03/2007 OPA ILYBNILWY My Thread
I don't think you lost too much weight. Stress is a funny thing some gain weight and some lose weight. Like you I lost 30lbs on the impending divorce diet. (Not recommended) though.
Okay your sad on Friday because you don't work the weekend and you don't have work to distract you. Weekends probably were family time and you miss it. You need a hobby or constructive activity, that might help alot.
I would agree with you about the weight, there's only one problem. I'm 6'5"-200# on 6'5" looks rather skinny. And I'm getting comments about NOT losing any more weight.
I have hobby, I play golf. I'm playing on Sunday. Maybe your right about Friday's..Maybe in the deep dark recesses of my brain..I dread the weekend??
