Why should I let my wife off easy??? I hate to take that attitude but what the hell.
M from TN,
If you hate take that attitude, then the choice/solution is simple -- don't have it. Seriously. I'm not saying it's easy, but I'm saying it's simple. It is true that you must get the anger and frustration out before you can get to a healthy place to do this, so get it out (just not towards your W). Once that dust has settled, work on letting go of the rope and forgiving her. Empathize and do your best to understand how she's feeling and how much pain this has been for her too. Truth of the matter is, she was in this pain you're feeling much earlier than you were ever aware of. She didn't just up and decide the day that she dropped the bomb that she was unhappy -- it had been eating at her for quite some time prior to that day.
So, ask yourself this -- is spite, revenge, getting even, making her suffer, making it hard on her, etc, going to help you grow from this experience or make you a better man? Be fair and be a man -- a GOOD man -- and do what is right. No regrets, my friend. Whatever you do, have no regrets.
Ping,
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Unfortunately I talked to my W about our R again, I know it is not the right thing to do but I felt I had to do it. Her comments are why would I want to live my life in misery as I have the past 14 years.
Of course you FELT you had to do it, but did you really have to? Your natural inclination is to do this, but the more you do it, the more you begin to realize that it isn't working, and only rekindles the embers of pain that this situation is creating for both of you. Also, now that you did it, you realize that it only reinforced her feelings about it, and has brought you down emotionally. Use that as a reminder the next time you desire to discuss the M anytime soon. If a good time ever does come, it will be quite a while from now.
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We have been S over 4 months now and she is not letting go of any of the anger she has built up.
Give her more time, my man. In reality, 4 months just isn't that long (although it seems like an eternity for us). It is going to take a lot of time and patience on your part. No short cuts, brotha -- exercise patience and make it your best friend (along with empathy and understanding).
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Part of me knows that the only way I am going to get this off of my mind is to get involved in another R,
It will get easier -- trust me on this, brotha. Also, your statement above is not true. Until you deal with your failed M (if it doesn't work out), accept it, forgive your W AND YOURSELF, and build a strong, happy, and healthy R with yourself, you will neither get your mind off of your W or have a healthy/fulfilling R with anyone else. In addition, a new R with someone else will be unfair to that person until all of your baggage from this M has been thoroughly dealt with. You won't be emotionally available to that person. Plain and simple.
Don't NOT get into another R just because it will seal the deal with W and an imminent D -- don't do it simply because you're not emotionally and mentally ready.
