Husband's Mid-Life Crisis

[addie]

Since your H has been pretty angry lately, that might not be such a good idea right now. He may not be ready to hear it.
Show him through your actions that you are his friend. Be pleasant, upbeat around him. If it's not too hard on you, help him pack his things when he's there or help carry them out to the car. Even if he says something nasty to you about it, just say that you'd like to help out in any way you can. The anger may come out so prepare yourself not to react to it. Remain calm and collected.

Is it tomorrow that you sign final D papers and go for the job interview? If so, the best of luck to you!!!

[stella_k]

hi, nlt, it was nice to hear from you

sorry, I couldn't post much recently. Yesterday I made an attempt to write on your thread and lost internet connection and my post was gone too.

I agree with Addie - dont tell him, show him :).

Let us know how did it go with interview!

(((nlt)))

[happynow]

Hi everyone, Thank you all for the advice. I will try to stay upbeat & just show him. Plus my friend is supposed to be here with a good bottle of wine!!

Yes, today was the day I went to court, the divorce is final. I'm very sad, my lawyer could tell. We walked out with H paralegal, my lawyer told her how bad my H had been & he had quit his job & moved to TX with OW, he even said "she is ugly too" the paralegal was so nice & said "how could he leave you as pretty as you are?" That made me feel really good, even tho I'm still heart broken. But, hopefully one day he will come out of his fog & realize what he has done. Especially when he discovers that all this is with OW is infatuation (which I know will never last).

As for the job interview, it went really well. I met with both the main guys & it was a very laid back interview & we talked like we had known each other for a long time. We did know a lot of the same people in this industry, so that was good. They seemed to like me but of course they want to talk it over between the 2 of them, which I totally understand. So, they said they would get back to me. It's a very casual place to work, they were both in blue jeans. HA I hope I get the job, it will be good for me to keep my mind off H for now & hope that one day he will come back.

Thank you all for your support & even though I'm divorced now, I hope I can still post on this site & keep in touch with you all. I know I'm still going to have lots of down days.

[addie]

Hi nlt,
I am sooooo sorry that your D is now final. It is very natural to be sad and to have feelings of anger. It all happened so fast. Take the next few days to let out your emotions over it. But also make sure you pamper yourself during this time. Do something really nice for yourself, you deserve it now more than ever.
Remember, D does not have to be the end. There is always a chance that H will realize that he made some terrible mistakes. However, right now you do have to move forward with your life without H because there are no guarantees that he will ever come to that realization.
nlt, there is a forum on this site for those who are divorced. You may get better advice/support on that forum but of course you can continue to post here if you feel more comfortable.

I am so glad your job interview went well. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that you get the job.

I'm thinking of you. ((((((Hugs)))))

[happynow]

Hi addie,

I will go to that forum & check it out but I may keep posting here also. I'm so sad today. Everyone is saying congratulations but I'm not happy at all about the D. I know I've said this before but we were once so close & so crazy about each other. We told each other everything. I wanted to call him so bad yesterday after my interview b/c normally that's what I would have done. I just miss him so bad & I'm scared, I'm afraid I'll never see him again! I know there are no guarantees but I just keep praying that he will come to his senses. I shouldn't want him back the way he has treated me, being so mean & hateful, not abusive but hateful. But I realize after all the comments I've gotten from you all, I just know he is in MLC & I hope that he will come out of it. I'm just still in shock that all this has happened to us. I'm sure everyone out there will be saying the same thing about your sitch.

Thank you all for your support, I sure need it right now!!!

[addie]

((((((((nlt)))))))

Your D was final yesterday. It has all happened so fast for you - less than a year from the time your H met OW to divorce. Let out your emotions of sadness, anger. Allow yourself to have a really good cry. Then try to gain composure before H comes by to get his stuff on the weekend and be friendly towards him - you don't have to overdo it but be pleasant. Don't contact him about your job interview, in fact don't contact him AT ALL. Let him possibly miss you. BTW, you've been doing a great job of going dark.

From everything you've described, it is evident that your H did love you very much. Those feelings must still be there somewhere. For now, you have to move on as if your H does not come back.

[happynow]

Hi addie,

Thank you so much for the advice, I really need it right now!! I have been crying a lot today!!!! I've taken down our wedding pictures & any pictures we had of us together. I still have a couple of us hanging up that we had made with our dogs (our little family pictures), but that is it. It really did happen so fast! I still just can't imagine my life without him in it!!! I know he loved me so much, I've found some cards that he gave me & he hand wrote: "Thank you for being so good to me, I cannot imagine my life without you" & "I love you more every day". That was only a couple of years ago. There are others that says he would marry me all over again. I just don't understand what kind of hold the OW has on him to make him loose site of everything.

He emailed me today just to let me know that he would be at my house at 9am on Friday to collect his files/paperwork & transfer names on any outstanding accounts, then he said he would be back at 8am on Saturday to collect his belongings. He just informed me he was doing this but did not ask me if it was all right. I didn't email him back. I'll just see him on Friday morning.

I know I have to move on as if he is not coming back, but I want him back so bad I just can't stand it right now. I'm so afraid I'm going to loose it in front of him, I'm going to try hard not to. My friend will be here on Saturday so that should help me some & then I can cry after he leaves. My eyes are going to be so swollen that he is going to know, he can always tell when I've been crying. I keep hoping that something we go through will set off some memories for him & he won't forget about me & all that we have been through. Overall we had a great marriage, of course he has rewritten history & he has been so lonely for years. Yeah, right!! I know him too well & he only acted differently after he met OW.

I need everyones support right now & I want to thank you so much for the advice, it is wonderful to have friends that understand what I'm going through.

((((HUGS))))

[new_attitude]

(((nlt)))
I'm so sorry.

[happynow]

Thank you for the HUGS new_attitude!! I sure need them right now.

To gabbysmom23, I agree there is probably OW. My H said the same thing that he didn't love me any more. I asked him was there someone else, he kept telling me over & over that there was no one, he just needed to find himself, that I had tried to mold him into something he was not!!! What a line, I realize it now but at the time I didn't. He stayed in the same house with me(in the guest room) for 5 months after he told me. During this time (3 weeks after he told me he wanted a D) I discovered how to use his blackberry phone (while he was out mowing the yard) & found an email message to OW, the subject was "Your Man" & it was sickening!!! I decided to keep quite at the time but when he came in for dinner I snapped at him & he got mad & left, I didn't snap at him for any reason I just did, I can't believe I didn't say anything about OW. When he came back I talked to him & ask him again if there was someone else, he said no. The day before he was to leave on a "business" trip (he met her there) I asked him again & he said no & he was tired of me accusing him of it. I knew all along he had someone but he kept lying to me. He had never done that before. Snooping is very hard, but if I had not done that I would not have found out about OW. I became a pretty good PI but I don't recommend it. I did some for legal reason, he spent a lot of our money on her. He got 200.00 cash out of our joint account, went & bought her earrings for her B'day, paid cash but the jewelry store has everyones name so I went & got a copy of the receipt for my attorney. I had a report run on her & that's how I knew about her B'day, how old she was & how many times she had been married. By the way, she is 1 1/2 years older than my H, I've seen a picture & she looks like someone who sleeps around. She goes afer the men with money & I think my H has pretended he has money, which he doesn't.

I'm like you, I thought before I got married that if my H ever did that to me I would never forgive them, but until you are in that position you never know what you will do.

I'm devasted that he has moved. I keep hoping one day he will wake up & come back to me before it's too late. It is MLC but he has taken it to the extreme.

gabbysmom, keep posting, you get excellent advice from people. I also feel your pain & especially with a baby!! Do get the books from DB & if you can talk to a counselor. You are only about a month into this so maybe things can turn around for you.


Me 47
H 48
Married 15 years
Dated 3 years
2 dogs (I have custody)

[addie]

My H denied OW to me over and over as well. Even after he moved out, he told me there was no OW. He only stopped denying it when I printed off an email of him asking OW to go away with him for a few days.

My H was also very much in love with me. He wrote me poetry, wrote beautiful inscriptions when he would give me a card, told me over and over how much he loved me. A couple of weeks before he started to distance himself, he said to S: S your mom is even more beautiful now than the day we were married. Soon after that comment, he stopped becoming affectionate. It's frightening how it can all change just like that.

nlt, you have to pull yourself together when you see your H. You can't allow him to see how devastated you are. Cry before and after he's there. He hasn't seen you in weeks and you haven't had much contact with him other than a few emails/calls. It's your one chance to make a positive impression on H. Try to act as if you are ok and moving on with your life.