I wonder if all teachers have a streak of control freak in them - do you?
You know, that's a great question. Previous to this "event" in my life, I would have assured you that there is NO WAY that I, the fabulous and humble amd, could be anything remotley like a control freak. Now I know better. This has been one of the biggest lessons for me from this whole mess, and one that I keep learning. I am the person who reads the beginning of the book, then flips to end, and then reads to rest. I have to know how it's going to turn out. Why else do I get my tarot cards read? I want to know how it's all going to turn out! I always wanted to be in charge because I know best. This comes from lots of places, including being the oldest in the family, from my mom's behavior, etc.
The big secret that I finally discovered and keep trying to get through my thick skull is this: we don't really have control over anything. On a day to day basis, I can control my reactions and thoughts and feelings, but ultimately, life rages on however it's going to go, and you may as well choose to go with the flow. I heard Wayne Dyer talk about this once years ago, long before I knew anything about him and his philosophy. He said that the song "Row Your Boat" is a fantastic metaphor for life, and then he took it apart line by line. He said:
* Whose boat are you going to row? YOURS. Don't try to row anyone else's boat. * How are you going to row it? Gently, and DOWN the stream. Don't try to row upstream. * And row merrily; why? Because life is but a dream.
I try to bear this in mind at all times. Sometimes it really comes in handy!
BTW, I got my cards read yesterday. H has been completely silent for almost a full week, and he's spent a lot of money recently, which really ticked me off because he also hasn't done anything to address the mountain of debt that he's accrued. Virago said he's not been around because he's embarrassed about the debt and is afraid of bill collectors. She said if we get this out of the way, it will make it easier for him to move through the end of the MLC tunnel. She recommended that I be more aggressive in solving this issue and gave me the name of a good mortgage broker to check out some refinancing possibilities for us. I think she's dead on about his guilt, and I'd pretty much resolved to move in this direction anyway, but it helped to have an outside opinion of sorts. She also helped me figure out how to say it all in DB language so that I wasn't smacking him in the face with frustration and anger. I used it in a message last night. Result: he called me this afternoon and said he' thought I might be out of town because he hadn't heard from me in several days. I guess none of my messages made it through and none of my non-message calls showed up on his received calls. Whatever. I was happy to see him tonight.
I'm enjoying spring break. I'm working a lot on house stuff. Today I recaulked the tub. Talk about feng shui! I keep walking back in there to look at my handiwork!:) H was just here, and I managed to include him in the project, sort of: I asked if the caulk needed to be thicker. He said yes. I said, "Thanks, I needed an expert opinion." He just laughed--he is NOT handy, and he knows it. He also asked about other projects, and I told him that I might need his help replacing the closet doors in the bedroom. He said OK, but we all know how that goes.
One thing I need to confess to you all: I ironed a shirt that he left here a few weeks ago just to be nice and saw that there was a laundry mark below the button holes. On closer inspection, I saw it was ow's name. First I crossed it out with a Sharpie, and then I cut it out completely and ironed interfacing over to hole so it won't fray. If he notices, I plan to be as vague as possible about how that might have happened. Not a great plan, but I think it may work on his MLC peabrain.
OK, I guess that's it. I hate it when he leaves. Thanks for letting me babble. Be well, friends.
Whatever. I was happy to see him tonight.
