Yesterday was such a bad day for me, I just cryed and cryed and cryed. I dont even know why it was so bad. I woke up and cryed and then I cryed at bowling on our last day of the season, and then I was crying all night with my friends that I hung out with. I came home early, because I was just emotionally drained and cryed some more.
I feel like I am losing so much hope right now and I dont know why. I dont even know how to respond to my H anymore, I feel like my love for him is slowly slipping away. I still love the old H, that I used to be with, but not what he has turned into.
I feel like he is out having a blast every night, partying with all sorts of new friends while I am stuck thinking about him and how he seems to be ruining our life together.
So much for my goals, of not crying, not talking about it with friends, and keeping my hope and love alive. All of those goals went strait out the window this weekend.
I was so sad last night, I felt like I just cant go through this anymore. I dont know where to go from here. I hate feeling so down and out. TIPPER
I'm so sorry you are feeling so lost right now. I'm not really sure what to say that might make you feel any better. I want to encourage you that things will get better. Maybe it's for the best that you let the love for your H slip away right now. That doesn't mean that you don't love him still but the emotion won't overwhelm you so much anymore.
You have to love yourself first Tipper. Do things just for you and put your H and what he is doing out of your head. Easier said than done, I know. I haven't been at this for very long but I am quickly discovering that the more time per day I can avoid thinking about him the better off I am. The more time I spend concentrating on me and my son the better.
The emotion that our WAS evokes in us is powerful and real but we can't make that emotion our only reality.
Crying is completely normal but if you can't control it at all you need to seek help. Please.
I'm here for you Tipper. If you need help or encouragement you know where to seek it. This is the right place.
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
I'm sorry you are having this turn of events....but you're smart enough to know this is how it can go. And I LOVE how you are putting your foot down......being firm and IGNORING bad behavior. That is the best way (except in the case of abuse). IGNORE. And only reward good behavior.
I personally really love the KLA tapes, and I think it will help you to keep listening. You already have most of those skills....it will just be reinforcing, and maybe encouraging to hear Michele's voice. What I think might help.....and just reinforce that you're doing the right things is joining our discussions on the Women's Network when we get to the Basic Training chapter. Training this man's behavior.
I hope this is really successful for you, Tip....
I can think of 2 people on the board, who are still in the midst of things with their spouse....that I think are blackbelt DBers.....where I really can only offer support.....because you 'get it' and are really doing the very best. You are one of these 2 people.
sg Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
Mishka & Sg, Thanks for your support and encouragement as usual, I know that is why I love this board so much.
I want to let you know that I have been doing much better these last two days. Sometimes I just have "one of those days", and saturday happened to be "one". Glad I had it though, as now I again feel much stronger.
Sunday night, I read most of Happy Agains threads and it is giving me back some hope. I am planning on reading them all, because it helps me so much when I learn even more about the MLCer.
I am pleasently surprised to hear you say that you think I have this DBing thing down. I do believe that I understand the concepts, but they are not always easy to put into play.
I have definetly pulled myself up again by the bootstraps and have felt much better since. I think it was just getting to me, that I have been the one this last month to start laying down the law. I feel good about it sometimes and then other times I freak out that I am doing the wrong thing and pushing him away more. Either way, I know that I am not in the wrong for expecting respect from my H and I will guide him to show it until he does it on his own.
I am on CD #3 so far on the KLA-it is reinforcing, and I will see if I have the time to jump onto the womens network ( I am not sure I know what that is, I will look for it here ).
My H texted me last evening to ask a question about taxes. I told him I was busy and would have to get back to him later. He said O.K. and to take care. He has been so nice lately it is actually scaring me.
Then Later on last night at 12:00 on the dot, he text me again, asking if I was up? I cant beleive his timing - he must have been debating calling me or not, and then when it struck midnight he knew it was his last chance so he did.
I told him I was heading to bed then, and he text me back and said "Good night Tipper". I text back and said "thanks and good night to you".
I dont understand, I am so confused, Is he being nice and pursueing me? Or am I in for some other huge shock that he has to tell me but just cant find the nerve to do it. This is the second time in the last two weeks that he has called at night seeing if I was up and both times, I have not givin him the time and he has still not come forward with what ever it is he wants to say so badly. I hope I am not messing up. I just feel like if he has something to say - he knows how and where to find me. I am scared it is bad news.
Too bad he doesnt wear watches-he's on his time only right now. He seems to just be testing me or something. IDK?
No word from H today, but I know that he is dying to tell me something that he seems to not be able to let out. What makes me curious is that he says that our chat will be worth it, but then hasnt come forward yet.
I am starting to wonder tonight if maybe he might be peeking his way out of the tunnel a little bit: He has gone back to his old business (roofing-which he is great at, but bad with $) , he is being much more kind and helpful to me & good deeds, he seems to be texting me much more than he did the first 2 times he left me. Or he just may want to defend himself for being right again and tell me how happy he is being free. Or he might tell me more extremely shocking news that I will hate to hear.
Hopefully he is peeking out of lala land and starting his journey through the end of this crisis, but I know I shouldnt get my hopes up. I'll keep being distant and let him pursue me.
I got some new clothes tonight and started a new painting last night, and my PMA has been much better.Also, I will be going on vacation after next week to the Outer Banks to stay in a beach house with 27 of the greatest friends. Cant wait! TIPPER
I text my H last night the info he was looking for about our taxes from our old house. He pleasently responded and our conversation was very business like.
I am still dying to know what it is he wants to say to me- but cant. TIPPER
Well I have finished listening to the KLA tapes and I did appreciate them.
More than anything it taught me what my role in the breakdown of our M has been.
I do believe that my H saw me as being controlling and selfish. He probably saw me as a mother figure. I did this out of concern for him and his bankruptcy and his heavy drinking and crazy spending habits. But whether I can justify it or not is not the point. The point is that is why he no longer look at me with passion.
I feel that these are all areas that he would have to improve on in order for him to feel better about himself and want to return. Also they are all things that I would need to see acomplished in order to feel like I wont slip back into the same old mothering type of patterns. TIPPER
I have decided that I will only text him a "happy b-day" message when I get out of work.
It is showing that I am a friend still, with out seeming pursuing by sending him a card or a gift.
I have been pretty dim with H. I have not seen him in over a month and a half. He also has stopped texting me and coming to walk the dog so much. It almost seems like he is distancing from me on purpose since I have been putting my foot down more. I dont get it, at first he seemed to be really being nice and kind and helpful for about 3 weeks and now - nothing for a week and a half.
I leave for vacation to OBX on friday. It will be hard to be gone for a week when I have had so much anxiety about my sitch. But it will also be a blast and I know I will enjoy it.
I miss my H and this is the second B-day of his i will miss due to this MLC. I need to be strong and not let it bug me. TIPPER
