You are right Dom... thank you. Tonight won't actually work because he is out of town, but i will try tomorrow. I'm sure you are thinking i have to do more than try... heck, i'm thinking it because i know that it is crucial, but i'm worried that I'll get emotional (cause i can't seem to control those lately) and he'll just tune me out.
I really have to work on not reacting to his anger. That's probably one of my biggest problems. I've certainly gotten better, but it's hard. For all my life, with my parents and sisters i ignored the anger. I normally removed myself from situations at home that got heated. I have always felt that the one place i shouldn't have to hide is in my M, but i have been. I just have to get over it. I have to stop trying to make sure he isn't upset and do this. I can. I have to.
I know we don't have time if nothing gets settled. I'm already feeling the stress of all this and it's not terribly good for me... tomorrow, then...
thank you for sticking with me in all of this... i don't know where i'd be without your help!!
If i can't fall in love... I'd like to fall in chocolate! ~ Author Unknown
heck, i'm thinking it because i know that it is crucial, but i'm worried that I'll get emotional (cause i can't seem to control those lately) and he'll just tune me out.
if you really think you wont be able to pull yourself together... maybe you should try to write everything out in full.
then you have the choice of either reading from it, or just handing it to him once you have his full attention.
It's not the best way; ideally, married people should be able to communicate directly on tough things, i would think but if this would work better for you... go with what works
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I know we don't have time if nothing gets settled. I'm already feeling the stress of all this and it's not terribly good for me... tomorrow, then...
writing things out, sometimes helps with the stress factor, too.
hang in there. be calm. be peaceful with yourself. have confidence in knowing that what you are trying to do, is make a better marriage, for BOTH of you
My current status: june 2006. Wife ran out and filed D. Finalized Jan 11, 2010, after 12.5 years M. 3 wonderful sons caught in the middle
I see that you are preparing for a 'showdown' w/ H. Clearly your past attempts at conveying things to him have not worked so it is definetely time to step things up a notch. Kind of like increasing the voltage a touch on a patient in electro-shock therapy. ...Hey that may not be such a bad idea for your dense H LOL.
It sounds like with H being away on presumably a short trip out of town that it will give you just the right amount of time to assemble just what you want to confront him with shortly after his return. Dig your heels in and stand up to this pain in the neck H of yours. And if you do better having things written down (I know just what that is like)then by all means use that in conjunction with some speaking from your heart.
I am sure you have a strong sense of what needs to be done. We're just nudging you to get you there. Make sure to take a deep breath both before and during your talk with him. Make sure he definetely feels included in the proceedings even if he chooses to say next to nothing. Allow him to choose that or to talk. Be careful to give him an equitable platform to join in on the talk.
Dom has been an outstanding resource for you. I am sure everything will work out very well when the time comes and it needs to be very soon. In your prayer before the talk simply hand your fears, anxieties and burdens right over to God. Of course I will be praying and it is a foregone conclusion that you are finally going to get through to that dense H of yours.
May peace and good health emerge in your M and in all other ways.
Hey guys... i think that's a great idea. I won't just hand it to him or even just read it, but i will take time to write out everything that i want to say. at minimum I can think back to when i was writing and recall what i was thinking when my head was clear.
Yes... ideally, married people should be able to communicate with each other directly... he gets angry and i'm way more emotional than i've ever been with this pregnancy, so i don't trust myself to be able to hold it together if he starts getting mad.
on a side note. I think we need to start spending more time apart, not a lot of time, but some time every once in a while... while he was gone last night, we spoke a few times on the phone. He sounded happy and calm. i was happy and calm. He's going to be getting home later than planned today, so i will talk to him when he gets back. Hopefully he is still happy and calm...
If i can't fall in love... I'd like to fall in chocolate! ~ Author Unknown
so, last night i didn't do it... Not entirely my fault. I was thinking i should at least be awake for the conversation and he didn't get home until just after midnight, so it just wasn't going to happen. It will happen tonight though.
He bought me a really pretty necklace in vegas, it says best wife ever... then, 30 minutes later his friend calls about some special thing in the game they play and he started playing his game. So i got in the shower. Then, when i was done, he was talking to his friend about how they were going to play some more tomorrow. He friend gets more time with him than me...
maybe he thinks buying me things will fix it, but that's not how i work.
anyways. i can't put it off anymore. Thanks so much for the kick in the butt guys... i needed it.
If i can't fall in love... I'd like to fall in chocolate! ~ Author Unknown
I think the necklace is the perfect opportunity to talk. (and it's a really sweet thing that he gave it to you )
it gives you an opening that is a less confrontational thing. So, tonight, you can start things off by wearing it... and then sitting in his lap. (optionally... make sure the kids are in bed, and wear not much else )
Talk about how much it means to you that he thought of you like that.. show him how much it means to you. Then, let him know that you need him to show you that you are "the best wife ever", by his actions and time spent towards you, not just gifts.
If you are understanding, but FIRM (as in, GRANITE-ROCK I WILL NOT be distracted/sidetracked from this)... then I think you have a very good chance at maybe getting him to listen without it being a knock-down drag-out fight.
hope so.
My current status: june 2006. Wife ran out and filed D. Finalized Jan 11, 2010, after 12.5 years M. 3 wonderful sons caught in the middle
Attempted talk with H didn't go exactly as planned... it hardly went at all. I thought about exactly what to say and how to say it all the way home. I was ready. I was going to be sweet and loving, but let him know that I didn't need things. That i didn't want anyone or anything, but him. I just wanted his time and affection and that would be more than enough for me.
Then i got home... I think that was the problem. hehe.
I walked in the door and he's playing video games, had been for a couple hours, i guess. I made dinner and he doesn't shut it off until food is in front of him. Once it was off, i told him we needed to talk later. Dinner is over, i start getting the girls ready for bed and by the time i do, H is playing again. I was frustrated. He mentioned something about how this was special, him and his friend found this special part, they just wanted to get all the points then he wouldn't play so much. I said "whatever... if you're interested i'll be in the other room, not that you seem to care" No not mature or a good way to talk, but i was mad. Oops.
He got done and made some comments about how things haven't been getting done around here. Can't i ever just be a neat person? why is it so freaking hard for me to understand? What is wrong with me? So that pretty much shut me down for the night. I was so ready to talk to him in a loving way, that i just didn't even know how to respond to him.
as the weekend went on, more and more video games. More frustration when i finally convinced him to get out of the house for a while. Heaven forbid we all spend some time together. His anger over little things is rediculous. He blew up at D3 over nothing to the point she almost cried. She just stared at him, he mouth hanging open and her eyes wide. I've never hurt for her so much. I just had her come over to me and I held her for a while. I told her i love her and that daddy was just having a bad day and that it wasn't her fault. she clinged to me, poor thing. She's just a little girl. I tried talking to him a couple more times over the weekend, but there was always something.
I know that everyone said it was so important to be firm, so important to make him talk to me and so important to make things clear now and that was the plan... By the end of the weekend, i realized something. I don't want to have to fight him just to get him to talk to me. I shouldn't have to do that should i? I found myself crying and just being plain miserable most of the weekend, especially Sunday. I just kept thinking how this is not how it should be. How i shouldn't have to fight him to love me. That is it so wrong that I should want my H to want to spend time with me, just because he wants to and not because i made him... i just feel like i don't know if i have the energy to keep pushing at him.
I know that's the wrong attitude to have and that i deserve a whole bunch of 2x4s for it, but i just can't seem to shake it. Maybe it's just a bad few days.
If i can't fall in love... I'd like to fall in chocolate! ~ Author Unknown
I have missed seeing you on here & have anxiously waited on your return.
I just read your last addition. That must be very hard for you to get up the nerve and the strength/conviction to speak w/ H about the nuts & bolts only to have him be rigidly attached to his usual stuff.
But I will say that as I read your response to his "this is special, me and my buddy found this special part", it almost seemed to me that you departed from "acting as if" at that very moment. I can't say for sure in what tone you may have spoken your "whatever, if your interested I will be in the other room ...". But if I had to guess, it was spoken in a crass, dejected way. Not that it would have been easy, and hindsight sure makes it plenty easier for me to say this, but you should have tried to embrace him in his happy moment of discovering the special part of the game. By doing that you would have surely gotten his attention, I think. Then once you had his attemtion you would have standed a better chance at steering him into the desired converstion. I am not saying that it would have been a cinch for it to happen that way without a hitch. But please take it under advisement for next time. Next time is probably right around the corner.
I will continue to pray in earnest for you to have exceeding joy very soon. Keep pushing forward. May God bless you and keep your family safe and well.
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