I'm Finally Ready to "Drop the Rope"

[fooled again]

Well I am finally moving over to this forum from "Infidelity" after nearly 3 mos of thinking about it. Trying to deal w/ my H's affair was my primary reason for joining these boards, but it has become painfully clear that there is much more to my sitch than a simple EA/PA. Every day I have to remind myself that I will likely be here for a very long time, whereas at one time I believed that knowing of the existence of my H's MLC would in itself show me the way out of the mess it has made of our lives. Not so.

I'm not going to rehash my story beyond what is in my signature. For any who are interested, my last two threads are:

Thread 1: His affair, he left, now he wants me back
Thread 2: Back on the Roller Coaster - OW still around

I have always been grateful to everyone who has taken the time to post on my threads - it is always helpful to hear what others have to say, even when you disagree. Both veterans and newbies have so much to offer, and I gratefully take wisdom wherever I can find it, even from my D7. It was only after starting my second thread that a kind soul (not on these boards) gave me a link to Heart's Blessing's Six Stages of MLC , and in essence gave me the box for the puzzle I've been working on for nearly two years.

So to update, things seemed to be going well for the past month or two, H was reconnecting more and more, spending more time at the house, with me and D as a family, staying over, coming over to walk the dog, a few other little things. I was getting the feeling that the A must truly be over, that H was sincerely working towards moving home and he seemed to be feeling better about himself w/ his new job and more positive about our future. He was saying he wants to be a family again and was showing some consistent, reliable behavior.

This weekend, however, showed me how far we have to go, if we can get there at all. H went out of town on business and though he stayed in touch during the week, he "disappeared" on the weekend, despite D7 calling him so many times that she "can't remember how many". I think the hardest thing was that this was the same behaviour during his A, he would simply disappear and he hasn't done that for a long time. Secondly, he had promised that he wasn't going to do that anymore. But the hardest thing for me was trying to console D who was so hurt and angry (taking it out on me, understandably) while I was feeling the same way. I promised her that I would never forget about her, that I would never let her down, that she can always count on me. But it was a long, lonely weekend spent wondering if he was with OW again. And maybe he in fact was, since I found out that his flight came in on Thurs night when he had told me Sat by text that he was still out of town.

Today he finally called me & told me he was sorry for not calling. He said that I deserve better and so does D. When I asked him what happened he told me that he stayed in [city] for the weekend w/ his boss. I am 95% sure this is a lie, and I alluded to this belief when we spoke. He asked me what I "thought I knew" (using the same words he used when I discovered his A was ongoing a year after he told me it was over & I found his emails to & from OW). He told me he just couldn't give me what I needed - my response was that he didn't want to. I told him that if he doesn't want me, if he doesn't want this marriage, if he doesn't want to be in this family, that he should just leave - poor choice of words since he moved out over a year ago. He could have done this a year ago, two years ago. He said he does want me. I told him that I don't think he knows what he wants, that maybe someday he will figure it out, and I really do hope he figures it out. He ended the call saying he would pick up D from daycare later in the week.

He called back a few minutes later saying that he knows what he wants, and that includes me ("includes"???) and that he's been very stressed because of his new job and the pressure of not wanting to screw it up. He said he hasn't talked to me about this, but he should have. He ended the call saying he knew I was at work & didn't expect me to answer him but he'd talk to me later.

I have decided that it's time for me to "do something different". I have to figure out how to put into words that I am "dropping the rope". I have to finally tell him that though I love him and I want him in my life, I will not play his games any longer, whether or not his games include OW. He can live his life however he wants, he does not have to call me or tell me what he is doing. All I ask is that he be there for D and live up to his obligations and the promises he makes to her. It is time for me to take care of myself and live my life. It is time for me to step back, detach and let go. I guess this is going dim, since I can't go completely dark because of D. I have done this once before, the last time I found out OW was still around, and this past weekend has the same flavour as then; I was done w/ him, w/ the drama, the games and w/ our marriage. Then he started pursuing me and didn't stop until I agreed to give him another chance. That's when I came to the BBs.

So now I am letting go, realizing that this could mean the end of it all, the end of my marriage, the end of my family, the loss of the person who was once my best friend. I actually feel this strange sense of calm, though I suspect it will be short lived. I suppose this is what comes from taking control and deciding that it's time to set some more boundaries. I am not very good at setting boundaries, but I know in my heart that I will continue to feel lost and unsure unless I start. There will doubtless be some talk from H in the next few days and I am very curious to hear what he has to say. I on my part intend to say very little, unless he asks. I know he sees me getting stronger and stronger, and I suspect that he must realize that I could be happy without him, it just may take awhile to get from okay to happy. Micoms told me that LBS often become WAs, and I can truly appreciate how that happens.

Finally, there are a few who have come through this w/ their marriages intact, and I've had questions for them, especially Butterflymom. I have tried to send a PM to her but it doesn't work - does anyone know the trick?

Thanks to anyone who has taken the time to read this - positive energy flows up.

FA

[Essie]

Hi FA

I havent read your whole situation but the following jumped out at me:

I have decided that it's time for me to "do something different". I have to figure out how to put into words that I am "dropping the rope". I have to finally tell him that though I love him and I want him in my life, I will not play his games any longer, whether or not his games include OW.
FA

If your going to drop the rope dont tell him just do it. Let your actions speak for themselves. There is no need to have a conversation about it. If you are detached you dont need to talk about it you can just go ahead and do it because that is what is going to work for you. He will get the message and I 100% believe it will have more of an impact if you show him with your actions that you are not going to play his games rather than have a big emotional conversation where there is pressure for him to make a verbal response. And we know tha you are detaching because you love him, and I think that they can sense that too. Someone that is centered and detached and joyful is so attractive. Just let him go and get on with your life, and it may well attract him back.

I'm so sorry that you are going through this. I know its so hard . Thinking of you.

[Lissie]

I'm Finally Ready to "Drop the Rope"

It has been my experience. That when you drop the rope. Nothing will be said. It will just happen, it will be a feeling. It will be part of you.

It is a roller coaster ride that takes time. Even when you feel the most detached, something will bit you in the assets, when you least expect it.

And that is ok.

one day at a time.

[butterflymom]

FA - I don't read many threads here anymore - just simply limited on time, but for some reason I happened to open yours and read it this morning.

God must have been speaking to me I guess.

You can ask any questions you like and I will try to answer them as I have time.

One bit of advice - live your life as if he's never coming back. That's what I did. I wanted him back. I wanted to reconcile, but I didn't put my life on hold waiting for him to come back (I didn't date anyone, but that was more because I wasn't ready to not because of waiting around for him). Anyway, act as if you are divorced and this is the way your life is going to be from now on.

Zero expectations. Don't "drop the rope" hoping it will illicit a response. It won't be authentic and believe me, your H will be able to tell a difference when you truly have stopped living as if he is coming back.

Your H sounds a lot like FW from just this post - I haven't read your other stuff. Wants to keep that connection to home and you, but still wanting to hold onto the freedom and endorphins in the world away from you.

Keep praying and follow your heart with all this. Many times I didn't follow the advice given on here because I just didn't feel that it was right for me. I felt God leading me in a different direction. You have to do what is right for you and no one else can tell you what that is exactly.

BFM

[fooled again]

BFM - I know what you mean about things happening for a reason, like a hand is pushing us one way or another. I'm grateful that you happened upon my thread as I have read about your sitch and have drawn so much strength from your posts, especially when I have felt the lowest.

I too thought that my H sounded like FW, wanting to have it all. You really don't have to read my other stuff - it is so remarkably similar to the typical MLC story.

I feel in my heart that you are right in that I have to live my life as though he is never coming back, something I have been afraid to do until now, afraid to truly stop trying to influence him. I thought I had done this 6 mos ago, but I turned around so quickly at his pursuit and found myself back at square one, back on the roller coaster.

I do have some questions for you, which I will ask as time goes by and as I feel more comfortable letting go. Thanks for your advice about listening to my heart - many times I have second guessed my instinct and I know it was the wrong thing to do.

If you don't mind checking this thread once in awhile, I'd appreciate it, and I won't expect immediate responses to my questions.

FA

[fooled again]

Essie,

He will get the message and I 100% believe it will have more of an impact if you show him with your actions that you are not going to play his games...

You're right. I guess the only way he'll know that I'm not playing his games anymore is to not play. As BFM suggested, I really do have to live my life as though he's not coming back.

I went through my old digital pictures today, organizing them so I could pass along some of my D to family and the exercise really put into perspective how the past two years of my life have been spent concentrating on trying to get my H to come back to me. What a waste of energy. Had I let go in the beginning, imagine what I could have done with all of that energy?

Letting go is hard, true, but I've been trying to hold on to something that can't be held, and getting beat up in the process.

Thank you for reading and responding.

FA

[fooled again]

Lissie,

It is a roller coaster ride that takes time. Even when you feel the most detached, something will bit you in the assets, when you least expect it.

Oh boy, have you got that right!!

I'm getting off the roller coaster - I've been there too long, I have the t-shirt and the tattoo to prove it (honestly, I got a tattoo last Fall!). It sounds ridiculous but every time I see it, it reminds me of how strong I am (it hurt like a b*tch!) and that every day I get stronger and stronger.

FA

[Tipper]

Fooled Again,
Hey, I hope your doing well.

Remember that your H has only been gone a yr or so, and with a MLC it could take many more yrs until your H wakes up - if ever.

You know this, so you have to ask yourself if your in for the long haul or not. You have seen him yo-yo back and forth many times, that tells me that he is still confused.

It is the hardest & most painful experience I am sure most of us here on the boards have to go through. If you have patience and keep reading informational books on MLC for your understanding it will help you to get through the rough spots.

I know you have dealt with this affair long enough, just go dim on him again and really stay very distant and hold onto hope. If it is simply unbearable for you anymore and you cant find the loving feelings for your H anymore, then you may have to admit to yourself that your done.

I do believe that you have more fight in ya. Dont give up, just do something different again. What, I dont know, that is up to you. Maybe set some more boundaries, especially in regards to him possibly lying about his weekend. If you cant trust him, he doesnt deserve to have you right there for him - so stay distant as usual.

I think that sometimes these MLCer stories I've read here often find their S coming back when something signifigant shows them you are moving on and really dont show the same loving emotions.

Remember, most affairs dissolve since they are built on lies and betrayals.

Keep doing what you have been doing, I think you have a good head on your shoulders and you will get through this with what you want. You have had such determination and strength in the posts I have read from your experience.
TIPPER

[micoms]

FA,

Sorry to hear of this step backwards, I really thought you were close. I'm at the same point, getting to the point of moving on.Although our circumstances are somewhat different, my W is pushing for a D, I'm giving up on her and starting to move on. I did talk to her today on the phone, returning her call. I've told the kids (all adults) I've given up, if Mom wants to try again she can call me.

I think that by just "moving on", I can get my life in order and if she wants back into it she can pursue me, I'm done. I've dropped the rope, didn't tell her or try to convince her. I will see her at best friends sons wedding, but will not chase after her as she expects.

Mike

[fooled again]

Tipper,

Thanks for the pep talk - I do have more fight in me, but I'm choosing to walk away from the battle. Maybe if he figures out what he wants, then figures out what he is willing to do to have it, he will come to me and start talking. I'm done pursuing, I'm done waiting, I'm done shaping my life around him and hoping that this week, this month, this year he will choose to move back home and choose to work on this marriage. If he does, and it will take something significant to show me this is so, then I'll consider it. For now I've decided that I'm going to have a really fun spring & summer. That's as far ahead as I'm thinking.

The past two nights H has come over to see D and tuck her in. When he left, I was fully detached. It's like a switch has been flipped and now I AM detached, I'm no longer acting as if. As far as I'm concerned, he's not coming back. I'm not saying that months or years from now there would be no hope of reconciling, I'm just saying as of today, I'm stepping back and letting go. Whatever he does, he does and I don't care b/c it no longer involves me. He said he can't give me what I need; I said he won't. It doesn't matter anymore.

FA