I agree with you 100%. The article in the Atlantic Monthly magazine I talked about a few posts ago echoed this very point. Many women think "Mr. Perfect" is out there, but he's not. The author made the very good point that women who don't want anyone less than "Mr. Perfect" should realize that any man they are with is also going to be taking "Less than Ms. Perfect." We're all flawed.
One of the most powerful points I read on these boards, posted a few years ago, was "the grass is greener where you water it." That strikes me as a good metaphor for life, not just relationships. We get back what we are willing to put in. I will be the first to admit that I didn't put nearly enough into my M. I don't think my W is with OM, but who knows? We don't talk. Your W thinks OM looks more appealing now, but I agree with your point that she will probably one day learn a hard lesson. Maybe not, but I'd bet she will. She will come to see what she could have had with you, and regret walking away. That's her choice, however, and she will crash hard when she realizes it. That day may not happen, if it does, for a long time, which is why you must go on living your life the way you want to live.
It's hard to say if they won't be back, but do you ever wonder if pride gets in the way of trying to return? I have no clue what's going on with my W now. She gives me no sign of wanting to even attempt a reconciliation, but has not filed for D yet either. I have not said anything to her either, however, and have not filed myself. We're in a strange limbo. We email periodically about our dogs, and then it's a line or two at most. She's long looked for the escape from what hurts her in life, and so her behavior in running rather than trying to work together fits a pattern and has led me to question whether she is/ever was the right person for me. At the same time, there is a small part of me that can't yet pull the trigger on a D. I am trying to figure out why that is so. Some of it may be lingering abandonment issues, some of it may be a slim, likely naive, hope for some shot at reconciliation. The more I have read about love and relationships, the more faults I see in myself and her. So I am not "desperate" to get back with her. I guess it's maybe as simple as the fact that when someone is a part of your life for so long, and you love that person, you just don't easily walk away. I'm more detached than ever, and in a good place overall, but I'm not running to the L office either.
You are a wise, mature person, bigger than she is. Your wife is losing something that could be special, but she can't/won't see that now. Try not to let her cockiness get to you; hard I know, but underneath it is probably somebody who's really in a lot of pain. If she's acting excessively cocky, she's probably overcompensating for the pain inside.
Very thougthful Bruce. You and I are on the same page. She is in deep pain otherwise why would she be trying to hurt me at every turn. Her only mission is to hurt me as quickly and sharply as possible. Today she sent me listings of houses in the area for sale so I could get one and move out.
Strange things are happening today. I had 3 friends call me and attempt to get me to go out on dates with there wives or girl friends buddies. They were trying to nail me down to certin days and times. I very politely told them that it would not be very fair to that person or me at this point. But I did take it as quite a complement. The support I am getting from everyone I know is now overwhelming everyday. Maybe I am a good guy? I was starting to doubt myself after being beaten down so much.
Sorry to hear about your W. Maybe you guys are just taking a well deserved break and will talk again soon. It's a weird feeling to maybe not want them back again. I am just starting to feel this. It will be a while for the full effect.
Very quite around here. Just been trying to create space and doing a good job of it. No arguements at all. I am starting to realize that i am a little upset about the way W treated me over the funeral weekend but no big deal. She is trying to get my goat and it is not working. I am very comfortable in my skin.
Keep up the good work. Your W gave you information on houses? Wow, that's harsh but good for you for not taking the bait.
Yes, it's gratifying to have others see you as attractive. I have felt this myself during this separation, and we crave that validation. It's part of dealing with abandonment. It's easy to internalize a negative self image at times, but having others try to hook you up is a positive emotional step. Only you can decide if you want to go through with anything, but I think you are wise to lay off it for now. You hit the nail on the head in saying it's not fair to the other people, or to yourself.
One of the things that has stuck with me from Susan Anderson's work on abandonment is that we who feel abandoned may go in one of two directions: either we rush too quickly into a new relationship to feel needed, to feel love and give love, or we avoid a relationship out of fear of getting hurt again. Neither one is a good scenario. Of course, it's not always easy to see when the "right" balance has been struck but I do feel this takes time. I have found myself at times eager to seek a new R, but then I feel I've not totally detached from W yet. It's not necessarily that I want her back (I have a deep conflict still, though I lean toward thinking it's over and probably should be) but that I need more time to get through the pain of breaking up and figuring out some things I want in life. I'm on that path, but I feel a need to travel "alone" for a while longer before I seriously look for someone new. However, I do know that I am excited about the possibility of taking what I have learned about myself and relationships and finding something better than what I had before.
That's not easy, I feel. If we've really gained some insights about our needs and what we want and have to offer someone, I wonder if that shrinks the dating pool considerably. Do you think so? In other words, it might be relatively easy to find someone who's eager for a relationship, but harder to find someone who has really done the work to figure out themselves and what a R should feel like. Am I too pessimistic about that? Or is midlife precisely the time when we are likely to find that because so many people are like us--leaving failed marriages hopefully having learned some valuable lessons?
I go back and forth on the dating issue but i know I am not ready yet. I would like to be with someone for companionship but would be very nervous about being abandon again. Abandonment really hurts. I know it would not be fair to the other person. I am hoping that mid-life may be a good time to find someone for people have learned a lot about themselves. I know I have. My biggest issue will be that i spend so much time with my kids that i don't know when I would have time to develop a relationship and keep it going. It's going to be a while for me. If i had my choice i would fix this one but it dos'nt seem like it will be my choice. She has totally given up and is not coming back.
I hear you; Michele is basically correct when she advises her readers to really try to fix the relationship they have before they run out on it. As we both know, however, people don't always follow that advice. I do believe Michele's right that one person may be able to DB for a while, especially if the couple is living together. In that situation, the partner who initiated the talk of D might see some changes and think seriously about working on the M. However, my W and I haven't seen each other in nearly five months. We have a few brief emails about dogs. She shows no sign of wanting to see me, and in fact seems to be trying deliberately to avoid me. I emailed her today about a possible new arrangement by which she would sometimes drop dogs off at my place. She wanted no part of it. She was nice about it, but no deal.
I am still really trying. It just seems like she is so far gone and she has her heart set on dating and maybe OM.
Dating is just a fantasy that fills my mind for the time being. Next week is a huge week with the L's meeting. I am nervous but this is a nessesary evil. I am staying in the moment, accepting and trying to keep things calm.
She informed me that her best friend fron Maine is coming down for a long weekend next weekend. This friend was very rude to me over the Funeral weekend. I really can't balme her for she is only hearing one side of the story but there was no excuse for her to be so rude to me. I told the W that I was not comfortable with her staying at the house for four days. I am also sure she will meet the OM during her stay which is very uncomfortable.
We chad a smallarguement for the first time in a while. When I ask her a question she is very evasive with her answers. Just simple things like are you picking S12 from Lacrosse? She answers in the nastiest tone possible. If I ask her who is going to take her to pick up her car at the shop she says a friend. She just can't give a simple answer.
