My wife and I have been married for almost 14 years and have three children. This is my first marriage and her second. Her first one ended in an anulment after just a few months due to her husband's cheating. My wife is pretty much a-sexual. Due to our beliefs, we waited unitl our wedding night for sex, which I now regard as a mistake. By our second day we had begun fighting about sex and it has never stopped. I am a high drive person and would be happy with once or twice per day. I have never actually figured out if my wife has a sex drive. Through our first few years, we would manage once or twice a week, but it always was a chore for my wife. She often encourages me to hurry up and finish. I always initiate. Our last several years have been hell for both of us. One of our children was diagnosed with cancer, the plant where I worked closed, my side business failed and I now have a crappy job. Near the end of my son's treatment I started looking at porn. After a couple of months, I decided that was wrong and confessed to my wife on the advice of my accountability partners, big mistake. Two years later, she still has not forgiven me, even after councelling etc. After years of constant rejection, being made to feel like a pervert for having a sex drive and enjoying variety, I have given up. The last time we had sex was Christmas. It took until late February for her to notice. I told her we would have sex as soon as she asked. It is now April. I now sympathize with her first husband. Bait and switch. She used to put out for him before they married and quit right after. I never even got that. If we did not have the children, I would leave. What should I do?
Tell us what your non sexual interactions are like with your W. Are they good? Are you friends or do you find you are angry with your W because of the situation with your sex life?
What ages are your children? Did things vary at all due to having the children?
How come you started fighting so soon about sex? What caused the fight? Presumably you had had sexual R's with someone before you got married to your W - is that correct?
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
Non sexual interactions really vary. Life is tough right now for us with high bills, low income, constant calls from creditors. She qualifies for many of the reasons, not excuses, for a LD wife. I have gotten discouraged with all of our interaction as nothing I do seems to make a lasting difference. I have worked hard on non sexual touching and trying to communicate. Unfortunately, the things she wants to talk about, such as the new job I can't find, just make me feel depressed. I do find myself angry with her over our sex life. I have to remind myself constantly to not let that color the rest of our life together. Our children are 12, 9, and 7. Having children changed things some, but not too much. We would have divorced had she not turned up pregnant with the first one.
We started fighting right away about sex as that was something I really wanted to enjoy on our honeymoon and it was just something to get out of the way for her so we could do other stuff. We only had sex three of the seven days.
I had never had intercourse at the point we married. I had done a lot of other stuff but never that.
Your story is sad, but unfortunately, its pretty typical.
I know you feel you were duped - by a bait and switch type of tactic. Please try to believe that your wife did not consciously do that to you. That may be how the results feel to you, but she did not set out to trick you this way and is secretly laughing because you bought it.
Women with low sex drive often do not know what they are missing, and because of that, they don't know how to manipulate someone with sex. Does that make sense? If they knew due to experience, that sex was something that makes them happy and warm and fuzzy, then they would know what they were doing to their partner by not having sex with them.
Also, women in this society are totally encouraged to feel it is normal for them to not want sex, so women with low sex drive really hold on to this societal approval within themselves and they don't really question it.
Not until they end up reading more, learning more, going for counseling, or sometimes something more drastic - their husband is about to leave them - do low sex drive women realize they need to change their view on things.
I think in a perfect world, all the low sex drive people would be married to each other, and all the higher (or just normal) sex drive people would be married to each other - - and then everyone would be having sex at the rate they would prefer.
But as you know now, you didn't make sure you and your wife had matching libidos before you both said "I do", so you need to take your part of the responsibility for that part of things. Also, as I said above, trying not to believe that she consciously duped you will really help your sitch.
Have either of you read the Sex Starved Marriage yet?
I'm glad you are (or have) tried to do well with the non-sexual touching and so forth. To me, from what you've described, your wife is going to need some "in your face" type of catalyst so that she knows just how unhappy you really are. She doesn't need to feel she is 100% the cause of your unhappiness, as that wouldn't be fair to her. But she needs to know that the lack of sex in the relationship is one of the causes, and that she has a responsibility to try to find a happy middle ground with you on that part of your relationship. I would intiate a talk along the lines of "honey, I am not happy. I would like to be happy with you, and I will do whatever we need to do to get us from here to there. Would you consider marriage counseling with me so that we can fix this?" And then don't back down or get into other issues if she tries to deflect. Just remain on your point.
I am very sorry and sad to hear one of your children has cancer. I hope that works out for the best and everyone is ok. For that reason alone, I would think you and your wife may need marriage counseling, to deal with the pain and grief of the situation.
There is hope for women with low sex drive...but you need to push her into action. I hope my advice doesn't step on anyone's toes as I am new here! Good luck.
Thank you for your thoughts. I have read the Sex Starved Marriage, it was how I found this site. We have tried counseling in the past and that did prevent a divorce when I told here about the porn. However, she has repeatedly stated she will not go again as it was just too painful. Like I said earlier, she has any number of good reasons not to feel in the mood. On the other hand, I have any number of good reasons not to fulfill her emotionally. In other words, neither of us has an acceptable reason for not providing support for the other. I am currently trying to decide what to do. We cannot afford a divorce and I don't want to do that to the kids. I am considering permanent roommate status and moving to the basement. It recently interested me to hear my wife complain about a couple we know where the husband had an affair. Turns out they have not had sex in five or more years. My wife sympathised with his wife who was upset at his behavior, but I started wondering what right his wife had to control his sexual behavior after not participating for that long... By the way, my son is doing very well.
Please do not just accept this problem and move into the basement and suffer like this for many years until your kids are grown, and THEN end up divorced anyway. What would be the point? If you are going to go that route then just get divorced now. (I am not truly suggesting you do that...just making the point).
Please re-consider what your true goals and plans are. And STAND UP for your own goals and plans! You said your wife stated she will not go to counseling again. Well, that is not up to her to decide by herself. Too many times people just throw their hands up in the air because their partner has made some claim such as your wife saying she won't go to counseling again. The other partner hears this and files it away, and then it becomes an excuse for themselves to not try again. This means that YOU have some responsibility to bring it up again, regardless if you think that she will just refuse. If you just hold on to what she said in the past without prompting her, then you don't really know for sure what she will say. You must allow her the ability to change her mind.
Especially if she can truly understand that divorce is a likely ending to this story if she doesn't!
When you were discussing the friends with the husband who had the affair, did you say anything to defend him? I think she deserves to know how you REALLY feel.
Even if you don't go to counseling, she deserves to know and hear how you feel - - and if you would rather keep it to yourself and move into the basement than face it with her directly and doing the hard work to fix this situation, then half of the problem lays on your end. Do you see this?
Look - please go to my screen name and find and read my first thread. I was a low desire wife and had no desire to be with my husband. We are divorced now. I wish I had understood better then what I understand now: that if you don't have sex with your husband, eventually he will begin to secretly hate you. I just didn't get that, it never even crossed my mind. But surprise surprise, I am the one who cheated. Again please go read my thread.
What I have learned from all of this is that one partner can sit there and tell themselves "I've tried all I can but I'm not making the first move anymore because I feel I have given more and tried harder than my spouse", and yet, when you end up divorced, this attitude didn't help you at all, did it?
What I should have done is said "I'm going to do all the hard work necessary to see if this can work or not, and if after all the hard work is done by both of us, then if it can't work I will know I tried my very best".
So far, you haven't tried your very best because you feel duped and you feel you have tried harder than she has. But it doesn't matter who has tried harder...what matters is knowing in the end if your BEST 100% EFFORT worked or not. If you never give your best effort, which will definitely involve a lot of painful growing, then you will never rest well again in your life, because you most certainly will end up divorced.
And one last thing...
I know you said you can't afford a divorce right now. Hey, just so you know, when it comes right down to it, if you have to do it, you simply have no choice. Yes, it will financially devastate all of your nuclear family, and yet, people do it every single day. Don't worry about that part of it. Just worry about whether you have given your 100% effort or not.
Dance, Thanks for the further input. I did go and read your story and it was very helpful. I am really trying to decide what I want to do about my marriage now. It has gotten to the point where I secretly hate my wife. Too many years of rejection. She does know how much the sex means to me. We have talked about it and both of us read Love and Respect, which does an excellent job of spelling these issues out. Who knows, maybe I am a clumsy lover like your ex was. Either way, in my mind, I am about done with her. The only thing keeping me around is our children. The basement option with a later divorce seems better to me as at least the kids will have both of us physically together. You are also right about not expressing myself to my wife. I am tired of doing that. To her, I am always in the wrong. My looking at porn was equal to an affair in her mind. I am the pervert for having a sex drive etc. I also have always felt she was going to leave at some point. I come home every day half expecting to see my clothes in the yard. She did it to her first husband and has threatened to to it to me often enough. I wonder if there is a way to test for sexual compatability before marriage. Certainly pre marital sex isn't it. How do you stop a nympho from having sex? Put a ring on her finger!
I do understand your frustration and pain. I understand it only too well now that I am divorced...
I'm really sad for you and its really hard to think of you just giving up and moving into the basement.
If you go that route, by the end of it, you will hate her so much that your kids really will NOT end up better off by having you there. They will have to explain to their friends issues such as "I don't think my mom and dad love each other, they don't even sleep in the same bed together". Then their friends will say "why don't they just get divorced then" and your kids will end up coming home to ask you that question. Can you see why this is not better than physically separating?
I'm so sorry your wife can't seem to find her way through her anger over the porn issue. But...I am also so sorry you can't seem to see your way through the pain involved here either. Neither of you wants to "be the bigger person" and take the first steps. Boy how I do know that feeling, and that's how I ended up divorced.
IF nothing else, I hope you'll get individual counseling so that you can work through your own feelings. That is the best place to start.
Which pain are you talking about? I have tried to be the bigger person in the past, didn't work out so well. Think what it feels like to try counseling and have your wife tell you that she despises you. Yes, that is exactly what she said. She has never changed or apologized for that statement. Maybe I should shoot a little higher, share the bed, no sex for the next 11 years. Live like friends. I wonder if she would consider an open marriage? Of course that would just frustrate me. It takes nothing for a good looking woman to get sex in a bar.
Does she despise you for the porn? Or for being you? Or for some other reason? Does she maybe despise herself but has to project it upon you because she can't face herself with her own shortcomings?
I really do understand where you are coming from. I always felt like I was the one who tried and tried and he did nothing but complain and get more stubborn. So finally I gave up.
But the one thing I didn't realize until I went through it was that the actual divorce process was so painful and horrible that it really was worse than staying. This is why I wish I had tried harder even if that meant swallowing all pride. I feel things still would have ended up the same, though and we'd still be divorced. But the divorce then would not have been quite as painful.
Near--- I hope you have some good friends to talk to at least. And I hope you find an individual counselor. Also, have you made sure you take care of YOU and get a life, keep your hobbies, etc? Sometimes doing that will bring a spouse back around because it sparks some interest in you.
But...from what you are describing, your wife may have one foot out the door as well....I feel bad for you and will keep you in my prayers. Do good things for yourself if nothing else.
I have a feeling she will eventually come around and ask you for sex. But by then you will probably be so sick of her that you will turn her down.
Not sure what your last comment was referring to but...yuck! (LOL!)
