this is maryangela -- have to start new thread

[spark]

bump

[spark]

wow, I just got upgraded to "member". not sure if that's a good thing. lol!


Anyway, I really need some advise from you wise db'rs. If you have been following my story, h dropped bomb on me 5 weeks ago out of no where. I don't love you anymore, etc. No mention of affair and I asked. He was like, I'm leaving by the end of March and then proceeded to leave me for a week on a business trip. (my mom came and stayed with my and our 5 year old daughter).

When he came home I told him (this is ny state) I would not sign sep. papers until we went to 3 months of therapy and stayed in the home as our daughter is vERY attached to her father. I couldn't believe it, but he agreed.

We actually haven't started therapy (1st session is next week) because now that we're upstate instead of the city it's hard to find a therapist that took our insurance.

OK, I find out about affair a week ago saturday. during that time, I get a lawyer (he doesn't know, but suspects). I go to the city for 3 days, GAL, hang with my friends, etc.

So now that I'm back, I'm db'ing and yes, I will not ask for sex again nikb -- I know that was so not db. Before the affair, for some reason, I felt different, now I feel like I'm competing or something with this person that I know nothing about.

So here's my question. Should I just ask him to leave? I NEVER thought I would be asking this. But he keeps saying he wants to, then says he won't until the house sells (which will take a very long time, believe me, I know this market). My lawyer thinks (and I know he's right about this) that he really doesn't have the money to leave). And a friend also told me that if really wanted to leave, he would FIND a way to leave.

I don't know. I just want to feel NORMAL in my house again and I'm db'ing and giving him space and all that and acting "as if" and bubbly, but I gotta say, it's exhausting and I am finding myself dreading 6 pm when he comes home!!!! I used to look so forward to it, because that was when I was kind of "off the clock" so to speak and he would read to our daughter and tuck her in (their special time together). And I could go have my coffee and relax.

Please advise-- there are so many smart people on this board.

[Ready2Change]

...So here's my question. Should I just ask him to leave..

I am still new at this, but DB says ask for what "YOU WANT".

Do you want him to leave? Will that help bring him closer or push him farther from your goal?

You sound so much stronger than when you first started posting. Stay strong and focus on your goals....

[Gone Dancin']

mary, have you read DR? I know you talk about how you're "dbing," but so many questions you have and actions you take and/or want to take make me wonder. I'm just curious as to how much you're trying to understand what really needs to be done LONG TERM (i.e. for you and for saving your M). You want immediate results, but the likelihood of it happening that way are slim to none.

Please just answer that one question for me. Also ask yourself how much you've looked at YOUR contribution to the breakdown of your M. What do YOU need to change about yourself to become a better W -- the kind of W that your H or most any other man would love to be married to.

It's time to be brutally honest with yourself -- what have you done wrong in your R, and what behaviors do you believe need to be changed? It seems that everything I've read so far is blame towards your H. H did this, H did that, etc. Ask yourself why he has gone somewhere else to get his needs met (which also means you need to determine what his needs truly are and how you've not met them and why).

Take care,

GD

[spark]

gone dancing:

Thank you for your reply. yes, I read the book daily. I have totally looked at my end. Up until a week and a half ago when I found about the affair I was TOTALLY looking at my side of the street.

I denied him sex, would rush him in the act (literally), bitched at him, didn't help around the house and went through a depression last fall.

I know my part in this and I have been doing 180's. Getting dressed to kill daily (I totally let this slip for a long time), helping around the house, giving him space, not critising him, etc.

But now that I found about the affair, I've had some backslides, but I'm back to db'ing.

He still isn't home (should have been home over an hour ago) and it's taking all my will not to call his cel to ask him where he is. I want to, but I know it will be counter-productive.

this is just so f'ing hard.

thanks for your caring and support.

[NikB]

Hey maryangela - the email you sent me before got through but I think my reply bounced back. Technically I'm not sure we're allowed to share that here anymore (I do have mine public on my profile) - but hopefully you will get this. My email is (take out spaces/made needed changes, hopefully it makes sense):

nikki
b
at
surewest
dot
net

I apologize but I am pretty sick and I literally cannot talk at all right now (well I can try but nothing comes out except squeaking). But I can email if you'd like.

[spark]

thank you nickb.

So last night, h is usually home around 6-6:30. And the WHOLE time I have been with him, (even during the last 5 weeks of hell), he always calls if he is going to be late. Well, he didn't last night.

I couldn't believe it. It's so NOT HIM to not call. I finally went upstairs, but then came downstairs to check the machine. He actually DID call at 9PM!! And said, really casually, "hey, sorry about the time, I'm on my way home now".

So he gets home an hour later (it takes that long from where he works), and I db'd and just said very nicely and brightly, "hey, I was worried about you!" To which he said, "I was 'hanging out' after work". I just said ok. Didn't show anger or sadness at all.

He goes upstairs to change, comes back down to watch tv (am also watching tv) and I just very, very nicely and casually said, "listen, I don't mind that you went out, but just email me beforehand. I actually had a knitting class I wanted to go to and couldn't. no big deal, but if you could just let me know next time, that would be great".

He said ok.

NOw, it's pretty obvious (at least in my mind) that he was with her. I can't take this anymore. Since I found out about the affair it has really changed things for me, I guess. Even though I know she is a symptom of our marriage this really hurts. It's not even jealousy I feel, it just feel that with another person in the picture (and I have no idea what she is like), it will just make it that much harder to restore our family.

Thanks for reading, guys.

[Just_Me]

I don't know. I just want to feel NORMAL in my house again and I'm db'ing and giving him space and all that and acting "as if" and bubbly, but I gotta say, it's exhausting and I am finding myself dreading 6 pm when he comes home!!!! I used to look so forward to it, because that was when I was kind of "off the clock" so to speak and he would read to our daughter and tuck her in (their special time together). And I could go have my coffee and relax.

Then try to feel normal. I think being around him at the moment is problematic for you. Plan something outside the house. Make sure he knows he needs to be home after work and just get out as soon as he gets home. Do anything. Go to the bookstore or library and read, if nothing else. Or go out with friends to a movie or something.

I sense that you need to change the dynamic somewhat. Does he know that you are aware of the affair? Then being Miss sweet, bubbly, and attentive is essentially saying, "your affair is fine by me...I'm desperate for you. I don't even care if you don't come home and make up lies about where you are at." I'm not saying turn into a major monster, but you can start drawing a line in the sand. This is one time I'd suggest having kind of a R talk...except it's you talk, he listens. In as calm and rationale manner as possible, I'd set down some boundaries.

My example:
"H, I have something I want to say, and I just want you to listen. No response is necessary.
I'm letting you go. You don't want to be with me, and want to be with someone else. That's your choice. While I accept that, I don't intend to play roommate. You will still be responsible for some nights watching our child while I take a break. You'll need to chip in on housework. And you'll need to sleep somewhere else until you find your own place (or is that already happening?)."

You can still be nice and be friendly, even lovingly detached, but I wouldn't fawn all over him like he's the best thing since sliced bread. He's not. Focus on yourself and being the best you can be, but that doesn't mean you have to put him on a pedestal...desperate, needy, and codependent isn't really something you should be shooting for. Get some space. If you want to have coffee after he gets home...then do it. Do things you enjoy..it's okay.

[spark]

while I agree with what you said I should tell him, oyu think I should tell him to actually move out? We made an agreement that he would at least stay until we've had 3 months of counseling (this starts next week). IN addition, we after that agreement, we decided he would stay until the house sells.

[Just_Me]

We made an agreement that he would at least stay until we've had 3 months of counseling (this starts next week)

This was before or after discovering the affair? You can try the counseling, but if it becomes fairly blatant that he's nurturing the relationship with OW (coming home late, going off with her,staying the night) then I personally wouldn't want him there...regardless of the 3 month deal.