MLC BS/2?

[missmyfriend]

Patrick, did you go this evening? I apologize for not being able to get online and respond until now. I work in a large IT department and I am getting ready for a scout trip with my two sons this weekend so I feel a little ragged.

If at any time you do not want me to say anything or share something with you, please let me know, otherwise I will assume it is okay to discuss this.

First, it has not been a long time since this ordeal started for you. It feels like forever but it hasn't been that long in the grand scheme of this horrible mess. You need to let yourself mourn the state of your marriage. And I recommend you do it separate from your wife, children, family and friends.

Second, like I recommend often, find a male mentor, hopefully who is grounded in the bible and is "real" in his walk. What I mean by this is someone who is not judgmental of your wife and others but is not accepting of the choices people make. I am fortunate to have someone like this who is a cheerleader for my entire family and has the patience I could only dream about having. At the same time, he is genuinely humble and has shared with me his challenges that he has faced and still faces daily.

I am saying this because you have shared that you do not have that kind of person in your life. I cannot imagine how difficult that would be if I were in your shoes.

If you do want that kind of person in your life, how do you find him? I would check with your pastor at your church. Tell him your situation and he may have someone in mind that is looking to help lead someone. I cannot encourage you enough to do this. It should help you get a lot more even in your emotions. Right now, you have no support, other that the big guy upstairs. He is awesome by Himself but He says that you should not be on your own. He wants you to be with others that seek Him as well.

I agreed with Jack saying that if you could control your emotions at the party this evening, it would be better that you do not go. It can only lead to bad feelings between you and your wife, plus it could cause friction between you and your daughters and in laws.

I can say that I know beyond a shadow of doubt that I love my W as much as you love yours. I love my W with such depth and intensity but have learned to not show how much I miss her. And before you think it is easy for me because as a guy we hide our emotions, that isnt me. I am an emotional guy that loves his family and has never had challenges conveying that.

It has become easier to handle what my W has said or done because I do love her regardless of what she says or does. I have gotten there with help. My help comes from the Lord. I may be wrong but I picture you as a man who believes He can be the strength you desperately need.

Patrick, I have not shared this with anyone on the board until now. Previously, my W told me that she did not like me and did not want me around her friends because I would be too judgmental (and she was right about that). She told me last Aug-Sep that she still loves me when she accidently slipped up. She still did not like me or want to be around me because she was always nervous around me (intimidated would be a better word).

Yesterday, on our anniversary of dating, I was discussing a kid issue (I had asked for her opinion on handling a situation) with her and she thanked me for asking her for her help. She then told me that she had noticed a change in me and had wanted to tell me this for several months. She said she was enjoying the time when she sees me and doesn't feel uncomfortable at all when she is with me and no longer is nervous before she sees me.

She apologized if it sounded bad and I said I felt complimented and I thanked her.

Patrick, last year on this day, I cried, missing her. Thinking how the OP is with her and enjoying time with my W. I was so tormented. It took me many months from the bomb and the separation to get to the point where I could handle seeing her without crying (not bawling, just tears in my eyes).

This year, I missed her. I wanted to tell her "Happy Anniversary baby. I love you now and forever" but I didn't and I was okay with that. I didn't need to say it to her for my benefit. I did not need to hear her say it to me.

But what was cool was that she gave me a wonderful present by telling me in not so many words, that she saw the changes in me, she liked the changes, and she enjoys seeing me. She didn't tell me she was coming home, she didn't say she knew that we belonged together, she didn't say she wanted to jump my bones (I wish she would have though ) but I heard you are a person I like.

I do believe my marriage will be restored. I believe that God has shown me indicators that H will heal my M but I do not want it restored until it is His time, i.e. when I am ready to handle having her home again and when she is ready to be home.

Patrick, nothing is over until He says it is over. We try to control so much in our lives and I think this is proof we don't. I have learned that I don't want to be "in control" of my life. I have controlled my life to the point my W felt she had to leave. Not that I am completely to blame but neither is she.

Be the man, Patrick. At the same time, cut yourself some slack and do not blame yourself 100% (nor her) and stop trying to save your marriage on your own. Ask Him to do it for you.

Bro', I know you can do this. I see so much passion that you have for your family. The one thing you need to do is to stop the self destructive behavior that is causing you further harm. You do not have to defend yourself or your actions to your wife. It only comes across as excuses. And don't worry about being the perfect DBer. Just start making habits of the changes you want in yourself. It won't happen overnight. Just keep making the changes little by little, day by day.

You can do this!

[Patrick325]

I went and the OM wasn't there...My W was there and actually stayed most of the time(she was the first to leave but she did speak to me briefly). It wasn't too bad...I don't really know anyone that espouses to DB so it's tough to find someone that supports it. I try to tell friends about mlc and they listen but I don't think they understand...This board and you people have been my lifeline...and i have to say thank you to all of you...you're great people and I appreciate the time and understanding you all have given me. I think this experience has made me realize how fragile life is and how little control we really have over what happens to us. We can only control how we react. But being human, it is tough to remember that or control the emotions that can control us. I just hope it makes me a better person and allows me to be a better husband/father/friend. But I am also hoping I can find happiness again...I do find it once in a while with family and friends but I always fall back into missing my W....I will survive day to day!

[Patrick325]

I am trying to cut off talking to my W for now. Every time she calls me it's about something she wants from me. I have trouble even looking at her anymore. I wish I could diffuse my anger but she cares only about herself anymore and acts so non chalante about this OM....She talks about him like they are married and it bothers me to hear about this guy at all. I just think this guy is such a snake and I hate the idea of my kids living under his roof. People like him make it hard to be a good Christian. I just can't shake this anger....he has stolen my W and now my kids...how can I turn the other cheek to this??

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Buddy,

Patrick,

I know how you feel. It's like this guy took your life and left you with this shell.

That's not really the case. He didn't come in and steal her from you. Problems great or small in your marriage over time allowed your wife to wander.

How can you turn the other cheek? Well man, any other course of action, all the dark thoughts and your girls are definately raised by someone else.

With as petty as your W is being right now, any other course of action (physical) with this guy and your toast. Sorry.

Seldom does God test us in ways we would like to be tested. It's not really a test otherwise.

[Patrick325]

I wonder if I'm meant to pass this test...I feel like I've screwed it up so bad. I want to go back and do it all over differently. But when I try to figure out what to do now I just keep repeating the same things over and over. I'm locked in this cycle in my life and I can't get out of it. I want to make changes but I don't want to change. I want to take care of my kids..but I have always done that. I want to try to find a better job but I don't want to (especially with a pending divorce)....I'm locked in this cycle, just watching this [censored] happen to me and not being able to do anything....having no control, and handing over control to the one who helped ruin my marriage is reeeaaaaly hard!

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Wallow in the past or Advance forward.
As long as you feel that way about control and who has it, you will be right.

Let me be blunt.
Find your balls.
Move forward, be an example.

If you attack in any fashion the OM, you LOSE.

[missmyfriend]

I wonder if I'm meant to pass this test...I feel like I've screwed it up so bad. I want to go back and do it all over differently. But when I try to figure out what to do now I just keep repeating the same things over and over. I'm locked in this cycle in my life and I can't get out of it. I want to make changes but I don't want to change. I want to take care of my kids..but I have always done that. I want to try to find a better job but I don't want to (especially with a pending divorce)....I'm locked in this cycle, just watching this [censored] happen to me and not being able to do anything....having no control, and handing over control to the one who helped ruin my marriage is reeeaaaaly hard!

What I am about to say, Patrick, is absolutely not a critical statement nor a judgmental one of you. I felt the same exact way from Sept 06 until Feb 07, with it showing its ugly head every once in awhile when I allow it to get the better of me.

What I am speaking of is the illusion of control. You never had control. I never had control. We thought we did. It is a lie. The only thing we can control is our actions and how we speak.

No matter what you do, you cannot expect people to do what you want them to do. You cannot force them to change and you cannot force them to see your way. All you can do is show care and compassion without expecting anything in return or what you are doing is false. You are doing it with expectations for personal satisfaction. When you love someone, you do it without expectation or thanks. You do it because you do love that person.

The challenge is getting in control of ourselves, i.e. how we speak to others and how we handle situations. Personally, I could not do it on my own. It wasn't real and it was too difficult to stay "even".

It is difficult to control ourselves with a purpose that may not have immediate results. Changing ourselves to suit others is a lesson in futility. Most people will not believe the changes and why should they? Do we really believe them ourselves? It takes a long time in making a change in ourselves to make it real and permanent.

Again, I consider it impossible without help. And who is the person you are handing control of your marriage to that you feel helped ruin your marriage?

[Patrick325]

The OM....He has brought my wife and kids into his house...he saw the family I had and wanted it...he stole them from me...My kids still stay with me almost half a week but he shouldn't have them at all! His control lies in the fact that my hands are tied because I love my kids and want them to stay with me. I think the rules in this society lend themselves to split families. I have no problem with my wife getting to see her kids but they should not have to live there...society say's "this is OK"...it's wrong and I wish this society had balls enough to draw a moral line...I am not into big govt or anything but c'mon, we should draw a line somewhere...

[Jack_Three_Beans]

...preaching to the choir there man.

Society sucks, we are emmascualted men, born a few generations too late.

Life should have been simpler...

It's not Patrick.

Since your wishing, wish you wife back. Or for a pony.

This is the hand you were dealt, if this is you venting fine, but come to terms with living within the bounds of society.

he stole them from you...

No, the sad cold hard fact is your wife took them to him. He is a scumbag for that, and it's nice to think that he'll be extremely f-ing warm in the afterlife, but that is the truth. He didn't steal anything, at worst he didn't turn them away. And he still is a scumbag for that.

You're letting this piece of crap enrage you, that is where you are giving him control.

Focus on yourself, cowboy up, work on yourself, look into that new job...believe me NOTHING is scarier than what you are going through right now, so...take...a...plunge...in...something...new.

[Patrick325]

I went for a good long walk with my dogs after posting and I guess I had something of an epiphany. I have been feeling guilty that I don't feel like I love my wife anymore. That feeling of love has been replaced by anger and resentment. I started to feel guilty that I wasn't feeling the same way about her. But I realized that I do love my wife, and I do want to save my marriage but I don't need her or my marriage to be happy. I am definitely hurting but I can be happy without her or our marriage. It scared meat first because I felt guilty that I was letting her slip away from me. But the more I realize that I cannot control what is going to happen the more I understand that I may as well figure out how to be happy without her. I still miss her but I feel better about my future. The only problem now is not dating. I have been perusing the dating sites and have emailed and phoned a couple of girls but I am trying to stay away from dating...