If he cries, as hard as it will be, you've got to look past the tears and ignore the words. They mean nothing. If he wants your trust again, he has to work for it, and it will not happen overnight.
I don't think he will ask. I do think he wants me to feel bad and ask him. I will not.
He contacted me at work today to 1. ask me what I wanted him to make me for supper and he will leave when I get there and 2. ask if I could make up a new resume for him.
When I asked what the resmue was for he said for when he leaves town. (I am sure this is a ploy) I said oh I thought maybe you were actually making an attempt to start working on our family but you are just trying to get farther away and his reponse was no you told me I need to clean up my life so I could come back and I can't do it in this town(I tend to agree).
Last edited by neecy22; 04/08/0805:54 PM.
Me~34 H~38 D6.5
EA/PA-DEC.07
Moved out~Apr.13,08 Sep. Papers~Dec.7,08 No contact order ~Dec.9,08 and again October 13, 2009
I do think he wants me to feel bad and ask him. I will not.
WONDERFUL.
Let H feel bad for himself. Your main concern right now should be you and D. Figure out what you have to do to work past this.
Quote:
He contacted me at work today to 1. ask me what I wanted him to make me for supper and he will leave when I get there and 2. ask if I could make up a new resume for him.
1. He is again trying to get you to feel bad for him. "I'm going to do something nice for her, then tell her that I'm leaving....boo hoo....I'm the victim here." Puh-lease.
But do accept the dinner, if you'd like.
2. Do the new resume for him. Only because it is something that has the potential to help better his situation. HOWEVER, limit the favors you choose to do for him. Don't always be the one he looks to fall back on.
Quote:
When I asked what the resmue was for he said for when he leaves town. (I am sure this is a ploy) I said oh I thought maybe you were actually making an attempt to start working on our family but you are just trying to get farther away
Try your hardest to refrain from making such comments. I understand your frustration, I really do, but they do not help anyone. Least of all yourself.
Hang in there, lady.
Last edited by GoingForward; 04/08/0806:36 PM.
Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward. ~ Joseph Campbell
Neecy, this is just my opinion, and you certainly have the right to choose as you wish. However, after the severity of H's actions the other night, I think it would be good for him to remain out on his own for a while.
If you hand out conditions now, and let him back in before he even begins to work on his issues, well I'm afraid that you'll just be setting yourself up for another bad situation. If he's let back into the house this soon, nothing will change, and it's just a matter of time before he picks up another drink and becomes enraged again.
I think you need to give the BOTH of you more time. Show him it will NOT be that easy anymore.
He has got to stop taking you for granted, and YOU HAVE TO STOP LETTING HIM.
(((Neecy)))
Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward. ~ Joseph Campbell
I have a feeling he won't agree to the conditions yet anyways, if he ever does. This is the letter I was writing, I knew you guys would tell me no, and I don;t think I am ready to give it and have it turned down but I will show you, as it helps just to get my thoughts on paper.
H,
I keep hearing you say I kicked you out. Is that what you think happened? I think you decided you no longer wanted to be a part of our household by repeatedly choosing another person over your daughter and I.
I have already told you that I will welcome you home if you decide that home is where you want to be. You know that I love you and it has always been my choice to stay together as a family if possible. I am more than willing to work towards this if you are.
Deciding you want to be here would require, no contact with OW. There is no requirement for you to talk to her everyday (or at all) from work or elsewhere, and doing so is simply disrespectful and destructive to our marriage and makes it impossible for us to move forward.
It would also require a change in your current social behaviour. I am not saying you cannot go out but recently it has been too much, and too often. You know what happened Saturday night cannot happen again. I am as concerned about the state in which you were driving as I am about the damage you did to our house and the violence you displayed towards me. I do not know what I would do if you died behind the wheel. I do not mind if you go down to sneakers or over to "b's" but maybe we need to set up a system to get you home safely. It is also unfair that you simply state I am going out tonight as if you are Lord and Master and daring me to say no. It is like you are taking advantage of my attempts to not control. You need to take into consideration that not only are you a 36 year old with a social life you are a father and a husband and perhaps set some limits yourself on your activities so no one else is required to; There has to be a happy medium.
As far as the anger - I am sure I sound like a victim of abuse saying this - but I am really not certain i will see that again. He has never shown 1 violent tendancy in my entire time with him. I escalated the problem with my own anger at the entire situation and that he got pulled over on his way to do a drive by of ow's house. I am not excusing it I am just not viewing it as something that is inevitable to happen again.
Me~34 H~38 D6.5
EA/PA-DEC.07
Moved out~Apr.13,08 Sep. Papers~Dec.7,08 No contact order ~Dec.9,08 and again October 13, 2009
Yeah, the anger is something that can be a one time event. Just monitor. If it rears it's head again, you'll have your answer.
Uhm... Dunno about the letter, I like it, but don't know how I'd react to it because couldn't predict. I'm sure others will have plenty to say about it.
Abbey
T:22, M:20 H:55 Me:45 H-OW PA: N/07 OW Jan08 Bomb:Feb/08 S: Apr/08 Back together Ap1/09-Sept/11 Oct, 2011, uncertain future/H is a mess. Dec/11 - Doin'friend mode. Some days are better than others.
I think the letter is extremely good. It touches on so many of the needed points, and does them with honesty and forthrightness. Bravo!!
I do think you need to add, at the end of the 2nd paragraph, " . . . but you need to get some help, first." I think your husband has problems with anger, and is quite possibly an alcoholic. I am the son of an alcoholic, and there's a lot of it in my family. I could obviously be wrong, but I don't think you should be so quick to let him back into your home with your daughter.
I also think, as you know, that "some contact but just not too much" with OM will NEVER work, as it never does in situations of adultery. Every contact he has with her, even in a business environment, will simply set his emotional clock back to "0:00:00" and he'll never get over her.
I think if you'll hold firm on these two things, you will see remarkable results. It will likely, however, get worse before it gets better.
