Patience is key

[addie]

Just realized my last thread locked.

H sent me an interesting email this morning informing me of several options he is looking at once his contract is over. None of the options include moving back with S and I to our hometown in a couple of months. The options include job prospects in other cities, starting a PhD, or even remaining here if offered a new contract. He states there are long-term goals he'd like to achieve and he has to do these things now before it is too late, that he should have done some of these a few years ago.

He does ask if I support any of these options, that he wants me to do what I want and that he doesn't want to force me into anything. I haven't responded because I'm not really sure what he's asking of me.
In my reply I think I will thank him for sharing his potential plans, tell him that he has to do what he feels will bring him closer to his goals and that I will support whatever decision he makes as far as work. I think we may end up being apart for some time.

[Kalni]

Hi addie,

sounds like you need to read the email many times to figure out what he wants and THEN you reply. Take your time.
XXXXX
Kalni

[addie]

Kalni,
I read the email over many times but was still unclear.

I replied basically what I wrote above but kept it vague. I think he was trying to ask me if I would support him emotionally(as a wife, even if we were to remain physically apart due to work). Anyhow, he did come by here tonight and said he appreciated what I wrote.

I really sense that H is coming out of his fog about OW. He's making more of an effort to contact me during the day (a couple of times a day), tells me about his day, asks about my day and has also come by just about every day for the past 2 weeks.

As far as other aspects of H's life, I realize he continues to be very unhappy and confused about what he wants. He is always searching for something else that will make him happy, but never seems to find it.

[stella_k]

Addie, I love the new title!

I don't know what to think of his e-mail but I sure like your reply.

About linking your old threads. Here is the one method that worked for me:

Quoting Umbrella24:It's actually pretty easy. First, open up a new window in your browser with the thread you want to link. In the instant UBB code, (right under where you post) there is one called URL. Click it, and a little box will pop up. Now copy the URL from the other window, and paste it into the box that popped up. Hit OK, and another box will pop up. Enter whatever you want your link to be called. Most people just put the name of the last post.

It is easy!

Have to go now, talk to you later

[addie]

Last night once again, H mentioned coming back to live here but it's mainly "for financial reasons" - he's paying for our place and rent where he's living now and can't afford both as his contract is ending soon. He mentioned nothing about wanting to recommit to the marriage.
The strange thing is he's been over here just about every single evening for over 2 weeks, makes more contact during the day, is a lot warmer when he speaks to me, and hugs me affectionately every time he leaves. I said we would have to talk about expectations if he were to come and live here. He asked me to email him (lately his preferred form of communication when dealing with R issues) what I wanted so that he could have time to think about it. We don't have a spare bedroom. So he would either be sleeping in our bed or on the couch.
I don't know what to say to him. I know there's still OW but he's seeing her much less as most of the time he is here. I've done a good job of detaching. I'm afraid that if he comes back, I'll have a harder time remaining detached and I'll start to develop more expectations. Living together would be temporary because S and I will me moving back to our hometown in a couple of months.

Any thoughts/advice???

[Arthur]

I'm new to this and still at home, but surely you shouldn't be encouraging nightly visits or accepting affectionate cuddles while he's still with other woman. feel free (anyone) to explain why i'm wrong on that, but is he not having his cake an eating it ?

Hope that doesn't sound negative, not meant to, just don't get it.

GL tho

[addie]

Arthur,
Thanks for your input.
From what I understand from many on this board is that it's easier to DB when living in the same house - Sp will notice the changes quicker. I am thinking along those lines. Many on here are living with Sp even when there is OP in the picture.
I sense that things are fizzling out with OW (H was not living with her). H is making moves in my direction. Thus the time he is spending here, initiating much more contact, concerned about how I'm doing, hugs. H was doing none of this when he was involved with OW.
If he does move back in, there would be boundaries re s*x until I knew for certain OW was completely out of the picture.

[stella_k]

Addie, IMO you should do whatever you feel will help YOU to DB better.
I know that I wouldn't be able to stay in the same house with H without getting my hopes up, I'd backslide every now and then and in general it would be too much stress for everybody. H is coming in May for 10 days and I'm nerveous already. I'd say "no".
But it's me. If you think it will be easier for you to keep DBing with H in the house, then by all means go for it. But don't do it because of finances. In any case whatever you've been doing is working, now you have to do more of it.

[addie]

Thanks for your opinion Stella. I agree it would be very difficult on me.
I decided to send H an email late last night telling him that it would not be in the best interest of either one of us to be living together just for financial reasons. I told him that I would only consider moving back together if we were to address some of the issues, but that I realize he is still very confused and may not be able to do this.
I feel that H is wanting to recommit to the marriage but is still confused and is waffling back and forth. For my own emotional well-being, I needed to set some boundaries and if this pushes him further away then I accept that. I haven't heard from him yet.

[addie]

I heard from H twice today. He emailed me and then called. I think I did some backsliding.
He said he needs to move out of the place where he is living and cannot find a temporary place to live until he figures out his job situation. His contract will be ending and finances will be really tight. I told him that moving back in for financial reasons was not a good reason to live together. It would be too stressful.
Here's where the backsliding starts. I told him he knew this all along but decided to make certain choices. I also said that if he were telling me that he wanted to recommit to the marriage then I would consider him moving back if we were able to address some of the issues. I said that this is not what I've heard from him and I deserve better than this (moving back in for financial reasons). I said he's obviously still very confused and I no longer want to be a part of that confusion. He really needs to look at the root cause of his unhappiness which has been on-going since before we got married and that he will be unhappy with anyone else if he does not address the issues.
H had a talk with S last night about his feelings re Sep. S asked if we were getting a D. H said "I don't know". H said the talk with S brought tears to his eyes. I said I know that I've had a few similar talks with S.
I was not at all confrontational but felt that I needed to set boundaries and talk about these things. I hope it wasn't a huge backslide.