Hope4us' Struggle, part 2

[Abbey]

I think honestly the transparency thing IS the key factor. As someone who's first marriage was riddled with insecurity from my H... transparency was the one thing I refused to give up in the end because I simply did not want to and would have NEVER given him because of the previous manipulation that marriage had. You have to WANT to allow that into your life and make the agreement that it doesn't become a manipulation from either side. I think one of the factors has to be their understanding and (emotional investment) in knowing what they have to lose IF they screw up. THEY have to have an emotional investment in the outcome, I think.

This time round... I'm in the seat where there's been an OP and I have a husband who's questioning his life with me, is emotionally turtling etc etc etc ... so I know UNLESS and UNTIL there is a willingness to do that too ... make the promises AND keep them without begrudging the openness and transparency ... all of us are simply still on the climb to fix the marriage. The letter is the ultimate test of that. If she balks... you are still in the "battle" of waiting for them to grow a brain.

Some folks simply refuse to give honesty ... I simply do not know why that is. A fear perhaps that showing themselves to be that dishonest, ... is something THEY can't own up to... dunno. Element of selfishness... definitely!

I know with my first H, I told him. I slept with someone else... I'm in love with him... it's over. I did mean it, and I would not been receptive to any of the techniques set out in DB. I felt I owed him the peace of mind to know the truth and get on with his life. I did care for him once... and he had a RIGHT... in my not so humble opinion to that VERY element of truth, so he could stop a lot of the mental insanity and cruelty that many of us have dealt with here... the lies, the half baked promises, the outright deception for the sake of making it easier on themselves, the cop out of having to be honest within themselves and their own emotions etc etc etc.

As the book says... sometimes it's over and the spouse means it. It's probably my only saving grace for knowing my spouse has been "receptive"... and NO has softened to "I'm not closing any doors where we're concerned".... to the lastest 2 days of reassuring me (admittedly a little p/o'ed that he had too... but he did) again that NO contact meant and means no contact. We're all in varying stages of the "we'll see" element.

I'll be anxious to see how the byebye letter goes over.
Best of luck,
Abbey