I wonder if I'm meant to pass this test...I feel like I've screwed it up so bad. I want to go back and do it all over differently. But when I try to figure out what to do now I just keep repeating the same things over and over. I'm locked in this cycle in my life and I can't get out of it. I want to make changes but I don't want to change. I want to take care of my kids..but I have always done that. I want to try to find a better job but I don't want to (especially with a pending divorce)....I'm locked in this cycle, just watching this [censored] happen to me and not being able to do anything....having no control, and handing over control to the one who helped ruin my marriage is reeeaaaaly hard!
What I am about to say, Patrick, is absolutely not a critical statement nor a judgmental one of you. I felt the same exact way from Sept 06 until Feb 07, with it showing its ugly head every once in awhile when I allow it to get the better of me.
What I am speaking of is the illusion of control. You never had control. I never had control. We thought we did. It is a lie. The only thing we can control is our actions and how we speak.
No matter what you do, you cannot expect people to do what you want them to do. You cannot force them to change and you cannot force them to see your way. All you can do is show care and compassion without expecting anything in return or what you are doing is false. You are doing it with expectations for personal satisfaction. When you love someone, you do it without expectation or thanks. You do it because you do love that person.
The challenge is getting in control of ourselves, i.e. how we speak to others and how we handle situations. Personally, I could not do it on my own. It wasn't real and it was too difficult to stay "even".
It is difficult to control ourselves with a purpose that may not have immediate results. Changing ourselves to suit others is a lesson in futility. Most people will not believe the changes and why should they? Do we really believe them ourselves? It takes a long time in making a change in ourselves to make it real and permanent.
Again, I consider it impossible without help. And who is the person you are handing control of your marriage to that you feel helped ruin your marriage?
Me:56, W:51 D:26,S:24,S:22 Married:18 Bomb 9/27/06 Separated 11/27/06 Divorced 10/6/08 Leaving it up to God
