[BEAUTYandWAH]

Hi Girl~
How are you? How was your weekend?
I love your goals! These are very very realistic. I have tons of goals.. I love coffee... trying to limit to 2times a day.. I quit sodas thou.. I organized half of my clothet and got new outfits today! Keep posting what you have accomplished! or even you didn't do it, it is good remind yourself you didn't do it. (I have not gone to gym for a while.oops..)
Beauty

[girlfromipanema]

I'm throwing a party today! Don't get too excited - it's only a pity party. I think I worked too hard yesterday and exhausted myself into an emotional wreck. All I can focus on is the lack of love from my husband. My thoughts are centered completely around him. If I'm so great, why can't he love me? If I'm so delightful why does he hate me? WHY CAN'T HE WANT TO WORK ON OUR MARRIAGE? He knows the impact a divorce will have on my life - I stand to lose EVERYTHING. He'll get to continue on as is - same job, same house... new woman.

I spoke to "friend's" long-term boyfriend again today. Huge mistake. Every time I talk to him I feel about a zillion times worse. A couple things he said that probably contributed to my current state of mind:

"I'm the only one who doesn't think they're having an affair."
"They sure enjoy each other's company."
"They'll probably end up together. Who knows."

Whatever. I wanted to offer my shoulder for him to lean on, but I don't think it's good for my PMA.

Things are completely stagnant at home. H still sleeping on the couch and not much conversation other than casual pleasantries. Who am I kidding? I do want his approval and love. Desperately.

On a positive note, I worked out this morning - upper body weight training. I didn't get my closets organized this weekend, but I did A LOT of work around the house - scrubbing, polishing, etc. Oh, and I had a lot of fun in painting class. Finished learning all about mixing colors and have picked out a painting to do (she has us copy something the first few times). Next week will be my first "real" painting lesson.

[smith18]

Is this the same boyfriend of "friend" that said this last week?

As we were ending the conversation, he said he really didn't think anything was going on between "her" and my H - he thinks they're just really great friends. He said he can't imagine either one of them betraying either one of us like that. I told him it happens every day. "Not them. Not to us." His first marriage ended when his wife and best friend had an affair.

I am curious if maybe he has other unconcious intentions with you. He is hurting and might see you as a compromise or revenge for his girlfriend being with your H so much.

[girlfromipanema]

Hi KK,

Yep. Same guy.

I know he's going through a very difficult time right now. He's 68. I'm 35. I don't think he would see me as a compromise/revenge thing because there's NO WAY that could happen. I just think he has no one to talk to and we've always been good pals.

I'm just feeling so sad/alone/sensitive/angry today. =(

[LL44]

I'm just feeling so sad/alone/sensitive/angry today

I am right there with you. Take care.

[smith18]

33 year age difference is quite a bit, but my W and OM are 31 years apart. My own kids say he is a young looker for 68. Even my W believed him for a while when they first met and he lied to her that he was 58.

That is great that you have someone like that of the opposite gender to talk with. For me, it is my W's good friend that lives nearby. I also talk with her best friend who lives in Sacramento, but not as often as the one that lives here and has been cheated on twice by prior H's. Her current H is a really nice friendly guy, but she has her own problems with him because he is not a take charge "alpha" male kind of guy. She has expressed that she desires a leader for a H. I hope that their M works out because he is such a great guy and she is too.

It is good that you identify your feelings because it helps for you to learn to control them.

Dont try to over do all your goals and GAL activities. Sometimes, it is just nice to be a potato and have quiet times.

[karen43]

All I can focus on is the lack of love from my husband. My thoughts are centered completely around him. If I'm so great, why can't he love me? If I'm so delightful why does he hate me? WHY CAN'T HE WANT TO WORK ON OUR MARRIAGE? He knows the impact a divorce will have on my life - I stand to lose EVERYTHING. He'll get to continue on as is - same job, same house... new woman.

I spoke to "friend's" long-term boyfriend again today. Huge mistake. Every time I talk to him I feel about a zillion times worse. A couple things he said that probably contributed to my current state of mind:

"I'm the only one who doesn't think they're having an affair."
"They sure enjoy each other's company."
"They'll probably end up together. Who knows."

Whatever. I wanted to offer my shoulder for him to lean on, but I don't think it's good for my PMA.

Girl, I am sorry sounds like you were having a low day--hopefully you feel better today! Yeah, I ask myself questions like that all the time too. I did really work on improving myself at first for H and now do it for me. I have become stronger, more independent, and happier. I used to ask myself those same questions, but now I just feel like my H is in a MLC or something and can't see what is in front of him. If he decides to divorce and stay with OW, then it will be his loss. And you won't lose everything; you will be OK. I felt like that too, but then I focus on my kids and myself and that is probably a lot healthier for me than focusing on an H that is really messed up right now.

I agree with you about not hanging out with your "friend" that makes comments that hurt your PMA like that. He may not be trying to deliberately or unconciously hurt you, but I think those kind of comments DO hurt you. My C says to avoid being around toxic people when you can (I think she is talking about my H!) and I think you might want to do the same thing. Your friend right now sounds a little toxic.

Good to hear it sounds like you are really working on yourself and your goals, and I think if you continue to do that you will feel better and stronger on more days, at least that's how it has worked for me anyway! Karen

[girlfromipanema]

Thanks for your support, KK, lwb and Karen. It's so helpful.

I think one reason why I'm struggling so much right now is because I have no escape. Everywhere I go, my situation is in my face. The three of us (H, me, OW) work within 15 feet of one another (our offices are laid out in a triangle, nonetheless). I hear the two of them interacting so friendly and flirtatiously and it is becoming unbearable. I hear his phone ring at home and I know it's her. I hear his phone beep when I new text message arrives and I know it's her. I can't escape this situation for even a millisecond in each day and it's driving me out of my mind. I just need some space from all of this but I have no where to turn... blah!

I really do feel like I stand to lose everything. One other thing boyfriend of OW said to me - that really, really hurt because I'm afraid it's true...

BFofOW: You know what Boss would do if H and OW do end up together don't you?

Me: What would he do?

BFofOW: You'd be gone.

Meaning, my H and OW are much more valuable to the company than me, so I would be out of a job without a second thought. I don't know how true this statement is. I've been with the company longer than my H and OW - but they are both extremely valuable and I could be easier to replace. That kind of reality knocks the wind out of me. These are the thoughts that run through my mind and leave me feeling so bleak.

I REALLY need to focus my thoughts on the good things in my life - on my many wonderful qualities, on my integrity, on my determination...

That is my goal today.

[karen43]

Everywhere I go, my situation is in my face. The three of us (H, me, OW) work within 15 feet of one another (our offices are laid out in a triangle, nonetheless). I hear the two of them interacting so friendly and flirtatiously and it is becoming unbearable. I hear his phone ring at home and I know it's her. I hear his phone beep when I new text message arrives and I know it's her. I can't escape this situation for even a millisecond in each day and it's driving me out of my mind.

Girl, I don't know how you do it; you must be the strongest woman ever!!! I know you can't escape all of that but have you thought about looking into a different job so you can get a break & breathing space at least during the day??? Karen

[girlfromipanema]

Girl, I don't know how you do it; you must be the strongest woman ever!!! I know you can't escape all of that but have you thought about looking into a different job so you can get a break & breathing space at least during the day??? Karen

Karen,

I've thought about it, but I'm a shareholder in the company and I don't want to lose everything I've worked to attain over the past 8+ years. The company is on the brink of major success and if I leave, I won't be part of it anymore. I could lose so much financially. Also, I really love what I do and don't feel like I should have to give it up...

I just don't think it's fair that I have to make the choice... but no one said life was fair and I have to determine what is most important to me - the potential for huge financial success or living each and every moment of the day in agony! Or, maybe I could chose not to let this bother me... Or, maybe I should get a prescription for Xanax!