I'm sorry that what you wished for so much, is so hard now, and brings more pain.
No matter how much you know how hard it will be, it's still painful when you go through it.
I'm likely pointing out the obvious, but it seems he's using alcohol to self-medicate something, and drinking to cope, each day, and other factors is alcoholism.
Again, he needs to want help and something better for him.
I'm only saying this so you keep that in mind. So you remember that it's not the lumpy bed, it's not that you don't make enough money, it's not that you're not joining him with a drink and cig, it's not that anniversary dinner isn't fab, or the OW is better, or that you're not good enough to keep him home. It's NONE of those things. It's the simple little drink he always has in his hand that is covering up so much more.
I also respect you so much for telling us here what's really going on at home, the reality, and how you're feeling about it - the ups and the downs. It paints a realistic, honest picture of what reconciliation is, it makes you and your H real.
