Letter from WAW after she flew to my city for talk

[GH31]

Hi Saffie & Just_Me,

First and foremost I very much appreciate both of your responses. Saffie, the business trip to France has been and gone together with at least one other trip that I know of.

She did ask me a while ago if I wanted to get back together and I said "it is an outcome that I would like to reach" and "I didn't want to get married only to become a statistic 3 years later".

I am very cautious now and fully aware that I could be being set up. She maintains that it started subsequent to the separation but that they knew each other beforehand - I did notice that she was acting out of character a few weeks before this happened and on our anniversary evening she wanted to go to their farewell party, something that is very out of character for her. Then, a few days later she was gone. I do know that she was very unhappy with me in January as I had been losing my temper a lot and getting verbally nasty. My primary Love Language is Quality Time along with Words of Affirmation (bilingual) and I had been getting none. In my utter stupidity I decided to get really angry rather than try and reconnect with tenderness. This I am certain caused her to withdraw from the marriage and made her very vulnerable to an A. The reason she ended up going to the UK was that OM and some colleagues were working here in Germany at the same place as her, then they all went back to the UK and she went with them. 5 days later she spent 3 weeks in Australia before going back to the UK; earlier in the thread I describe how I went to meet her at the airport as a surprise and OM was there to pick her up.

Her decision to come back could also be financially motivated as she has not been working in the UK, rather living off her credit card. I work and she knows that I would financially support her but wouldn't pay off her credit card debt - that boundary I have already laid out. She has said that "she doesn't belong in England" and whilst she has looked for jobs there, has had the "gut feeling" that it wasn't something she should be doing. She is very close to her dad but hasn't had any contact with him for 6 weeks and her cousin lives very close to where she is in the UK, but she hasn't seen her either. She said she "doesn't want to have to answer questions about you and about our marriage".

Guys if you could advise me here or give me an idea of what really is going on, I would be extremely grateful. My DB coach said that when people are in the throes of an A their brain chemistry can be altered and make them exhibit "rebellious teen" type beahviour. Who knows? The DB coach has recommended getting her to read the DR chapter on infidelity so that she knows what to expect although I doubt she will acknowledge it as such since it "happened" after the separation. I will rephrase it as "other relationships".

Today we have been emailing each other constantly and she wants me to plan a trip for us both to go to Russia. She has also suggested a holiday for us both elsewhere to give us the chance to reconnect. Also, she put a deposit down for some new specs with an optometrist here and they will be ready next week.

She says it's "dangerous that we have been spending so much time apart" and that "the longer she leaves it, the harder it will be to retrieve".

I am actually mentally prepared to move on without her if necessary although I would much prefer to be with her. I have been working my butt off to change and feel successful in doing so, and these changes will be maintained no matter what the outcome. Basically, a second chance will be wonderful if it is genuine.

Experienced DBers, again your input would be much appreciated.

thanks,

GH31