I am new to this forum, I have been over in the MLC forum but thought maybe I belonged over here. so here it goes....
I've been with my H since the age of 14...dating and having fun..got married at 20, first baby at 22...my life was just as I had planned it... We had our 23rd Wedding Anniversary last October which H totally avoided, went out of town as to not aknowledge it...I'll tell you why later...
Fast forward to Jan/07....a man showed up at my door with a package of proof that my H was having an affair....broke my heart..i can't begin to tell you the pain...I confronted H and he admitted to it and cell bills were unbelievable....he actually talked to her on my Anniversary for 4 hours, guess why...it was OW birthday....great....well, time went on and I forgave him, he was very attentive and I always knew where he was, then I found out he was talking to her again....so I blew...called him every name in the book, should have kicked him out then but I loved him so I didn't.
Fast forward....May, Mother's Day. got a journey necklace, and I love you, a great card and I told him it was the best mother's day ever.....then in June he hit me with the bomb..ILYBINILWY!! totally pulled the rug out from under me....we lived together but H slept in another room....from July until he moved out in Jan/08. I am torn apart...I have not ML to my H since June of 07, I'm sure per OW>..She has since divorced her H of 21 years in December so she is free to do what she wants.
Fast forward again.....OW buys H an ipod for Christmas that he lies about and says he won at work....I knew.....
Then OW XH calls me on 3/17 to tell me H was spending nights at OW house now, pulls in garage like he lives there...I call him, he laughs at me and said he was expecting my call, that our divorce is inevitable, we're separated (not legally) and it shouldn't matter where he is but it matters to me...then on 3/18 I get an anonymous email that my H has a child from an affair from 8 years ago....someone he works with....another bomb....I blew again, slapping his face and his children now are even more angry with him as he kept a secret for 8 years...who does that....anyway, I told him I hoped he rotted in H***. My D15 tore in to him and he told her he didn't expect her to understand relationships now and she would when she got older...that he hadn't loved me for 15 years.....then when D15 said "I'm 15 and my brother is 10, he changed it to 9 years....he's nuts....He says people make mistakes, he was wrong, blah, blah, blah....I am so pissed at this point I told him to get out....but he didnt ..My son 10 was crying and called my D21 on the phone who is at college and kept her on the phone for 2 hours....ok, night ends and the next day he has the nerve to call me to ask if he can use my car.....dummy me lets him..his had to go to the shop...yep....someone poured syrup in his gas tank...hmmmmm....could it be the XH of the girl you're seeing....idiot...$1100 to fix.....had to file police report and on the report it says he was there for 3 days and it could have happened over those 3 days....I was so sick to my stomach...
Well, I am devastated to say the least.....I love him with all my heart and soul.....
I need advice....do you think he will ever come back, is he really in love with this OW....if I go dim will it help....
long post I know, and I'm sure there are holes but I can fill them in if need be....
I want my H to come home but I dont know how to get that to happen...he kept a secret from me, he had no faith in his wife but told the OW before he told me....I'm sure they are planning their future together that will involve his other child.....
Where do I start......
Treese
Treese
H 49 M 45 D 23, D17, S12 M 25 T 31 01/07 OW H at my door w/proof Bomb ILYBINILWY 06/07 Sep 01/08 headed for the greener grass, Mar08.B#2H has child who is 9 11/08 pos.paternity
Fast forward again.....OW buys H an ipod for Christmas that he lies about and says he won at work....I knew.....
....My D15 tore in to him and he told her he didn't expect her to understand relationships now and she would when she got older...I want my H to come home but I dont know how to get that to happen...he kept a secret from me, he had no faith in his wife but told the OW before he told me....I'm sure they are planning their future together that will involve his other child.....
Where do I start......
Treese
So sorry to hear your story! I guess most of us here have stories involving lying H's and affairs (or it sounds like maybe several affairs in your H's case).
Since you were in MLC, have you already been DBing and GALing b/c that was so important for my PMA??? I started with no PMA at all or TMA I guess (T for terrible)! I also do therapy and AD's as well; I think some here do that and some don't. Have you read Divorce Remedy? I'm also reading the "Change your Life and Everyone in it" also by Michele Weiner-Davis and it looks like that will be helpful also.
DBing and GALing were very important to me and have helped me to get a lot stronger, healthier, and happier. I now feel OK with whatever happens in our R: either we will reconcile or we won't and I know I will be OK!!!
I also think 180's are really good. Have you been working on those? I was really weak and have been working on being stronger, having boundaries with my H and just have recently really been able to do that finally! I was very dependent on H and immediately tried to work on being as independent as possible. I was depressed and with DBing, GALing, therapy, and AD's combo I have become a pretty happy person for someone going through this. Those have all been good changes for me, although I started doing all this for my H, I have recently started doing this for me which I think is good too, but maybe it takes a while until you get confident or strong enough to do that like it did for me!
My 180s were all focused on me btw b/c my H is having an MLC I think right now and is kind of messed up, so I believe it is better to focus on myself instead of focusing on the R and my messed up H! Of course, you need to figure out your own 180s and everyone will have different. Some will work and keep doing them; if they don't work for you and your R then you can quit that and try another 180 that might be better in your sitch.
And of course keep posting and venting here and asking any questions you have. This board has been so important for helping me; I don't know how I would have gotten through this past year if not for this board and I appreciate everyone here so much for all their help!!! :)(sorry I often wind up doing long posts!!!) Karen
Well, I've done it all, GAl (not so good at this but working on it). PMA, doing it.....
I want the magic pill to get him out of my head....after 30 years how can he now think about me at all...how can he be so happy? That is what I don't get.....we got along great, at least I thought. My friends said it always looked as if he adored me and was always attentive to me....what is so attractive about this woman....I have been DBing for about a year....and there is not one change, AT ALL!!!
I wish someone could tell me what to do....I try to ignore him but thoughts of him and OW fill my head and it makes me sick...seriously.....I'm not a good DBer....altough I have not brought up us, the R talks, the big D.....nothing....what is he waiting for if he wants to be by himself....he says he's not trying to disrupt the kids' lives but what does he think he just did?? He has hurt my children, and I'm left to pick up the pieces..he never sees any of this because when he is with S10 it's all fun and games...he doesn't have to worry about the bills cause i do them. It's so frustrating...I love him but I want to hate him....
Treese
H 49 M 45 D 23, D17, S12 M 25 T 31 01/07 OW H at my door w/proof Bomb ILYBINILWY 06/07 Sep 01/08 headed for the greener grass, Mar08.B#2H has child who is 9 11/08 pos.paternity
Well, I've done it all, GAl (not so good at this but working on it). PMA, doing it.....
what is so attractive about this woman....I have been DBing for about a year....and there is not one change, AT ALL!!!
I wish someone could tell me what to do....I try to ignore him but thoughts of him and OW fill my head and it makes me sick...seriously.....I'm not a good DBer....altough I have not brought up us, the R talks, the big D.....nothing....what is he waiting for if he wants to be by himself....he says he's not trying to disrupt the kids' lives but what does he think he just did??
It's so frustrating...I love him but I want to hate him....
I have all the same thoughts as you too! It really just sounds to me like your H is going through MLC which I believe mine is also (they are the same age I noticed as well). I think our H's are probably confused and don't even know their own minds or really what they want to do from what I can tell after emails & talks with my H.
They can't communicate well b/c they don't know what is in their minds, change their minds from day to day (probably minute to minute), etc. I have read in the DR book and other places that it can take a few years usually for the MLC so you probably still have another year or two until he is out of the MLC (as do I)!
You mentioned you've been DBing for a year and there is no change. Well, I think if you focus on yourself you will find a lot of positive changes in you, and then you may find H is more attracted to you or not, but at least you should be able to get your H & OW out of your head all the time if you are busy GALing & improving yourself. Figure out what you need to work on or that you would like to improve about yourself and then do what you need to do to work on those and also find activities that you just enjoy.
And what is so attractive about this woman? In my H's case the woman is not attractive & obviously doesn't have great morals (she is also married with children & was a friend of mine.) She has been married already 2 times that I know of. Her kids are dysfunctional; she allows her 13 year old dd to drink & go out, etc. From reading on these boards, I think many OWs are dysfunctional or they wouldn't get involved with married men of course!!! If my H ultimately decides that is a better woman for him than me, then really I feel it is his loss & have to feel a little sorry for him! Karen
I cant thank you enough for responding to me...It helps when others are going through all this...I do believe in my heart that he is going through MLC....at least for the most part....
Tonight we went to sons bball game and H went to dinner with us afterwards...I'm sure he is on his way to OW right now...grrrr....I know, I know, forget about that...some day I hope to be able to say who cares but right now honestly I do care....I want him home....
My son was sad when we left H because he misses him coming home so bad...I started to cry because it hurts to see my children hurting...I just told my son it would be okay,,,,and that I missed his dad too....He started to cry....Why do we have to go through this....I don't like to see my children hurting...not at all.....
Treese
H 49 M 45 D 23, D17, S12 M 25 T 31 01/07 OW H at my door w/proof Bomb ILYBINILWY 06/07 Sep 01/08 headed for the greener grass, Mar08.B#2H has child who is 9 11/08 pos.paternity
Found you! I don't know the answers, Treese! But I know that the most important thing is for you to love you! Your value doesn't come from you H, it comes from inside you.
Take care of you, and your kids. I think your path will become clearer then. Some of the things you want to know just don't have answers.
H 49 M 45 D 23, D17, S12 M 25 T 31 01/07 OW H at my door w/proof Bomb ILYBINILWY 06/07 Sep 01/08 headed for the greener grass, Mar08.B#2H has child who is 9 11/08 pos.paternity
H 49 M 45 D 23, D17, S12 M 25 T 31 01/07 OW H at my door w/proof Bomb ILYBINILWY 06/07 Sep 01/08 headed for the greener grass, Mar08.B#2H has child who is 9 11/08 pos.paternity
Well, my heart is broken again...A friend called me today an apparently my H is going around telling everyone we are getting divorced....I guess I knew it would probably end like that but I kept holding on to hope.....i feel like my heart is in my stomach.. I'm just sick....
Treese
H 49 M 45 D 23, D17, S12 M 25 T 31 01/07 OW H at my door w/proof Bomb ILYBINILWY 06/07 Sep 01/08 headed for the greener grass, Mar08.B#2H has child who is 9 11/08 pos.paternity
Of course, you need to figure out your own 180s and everyone will have different. Some will work and keep doing them; if they don't work for you and your R then you can quit that and try another 180 that might be better in your sitch.
I have read in the DR book and other places that it can take a few years usually for the MLC so you probably still have another year or two until he is out of the MLC (as do I)! 
