YOu need to let him go and get a hold of yourself. It is still all new and far from over, IMO.
Do not dwell on him so much, let him be, do not question why he does/says this/that, etc.
You don't have to take his calls every time either. Let him wonder if he is so concerned.
Just let it go and let him be and you will feel better in the long run regardless of how this will end up.
The Bomb: 08/05 H moves out: 06/2006 H moves back: 01/07 & Out again: 01/07 H moves back: 03/08 & Out again: 04/08 H moves back: 05/09 & Out again: 07/09 Divorced 08-12 Kids: 22, 20, 19
I am working and trying sooo very hard to let him go SF. It is so very hard to do. So hard to let go of what I believe was meant to be, to let go of the man that I knew I was going to spend the rest of my life with. But slowly I am. Just have to figure out how completly.
Everyone keeps saying it's early. I don't get that. In 10 days we will have been in this and seperated 1 year. A year is along time for 2 people that loved each other to be seperated. A year is a long time for 2 people (OW and him) to be seeing each other and not becoming close.
Dwelling on him is the hardest part. I question it all because it is all so very very unlike the man that I am in love with. I sit here this morning thinking...How in the world did this happen to us. To him? I knew we had our problems, but never in a million years would I have guessed that any of what has happend in this last year was ever possible. My H and I swore to each other the day we got engaged that if we got M we would stay M and never D just like his parents. Over the years, and up until maybe 6 months before this happened my H would always say I was the best thing that ever happened to him. That he didn't know where he'd be without me. That I didn't have to worry, as he was never going anywhere...
I have a hard time not taking his calls as they are so very few and far between. Always think it's maybe important since he did call. And I really don't think he has any concern for me or what I am doing at all. Except that he is thinking I am trying to screw him and "take all that he has worked his f*cking a*s off for".
Sometimes I wish I could get the love for him out of my heart. So that I could go file and walk away from this mess I am in to start over...
M41 H42 D17 Adopted N14 M22 T24 "Bomb" 4/07 Sep 8/07 Admitted OW 11/07(only to me) OW back 12/4/07 PA on off thru 7/08 says done w/OW but not coming home 8/08 D final 7/09 Moving on and up!!
yes it is early my H had ow for affair for really 2 yrs....SF 3 yrs....he is just now deepest in the tunnel...let him stay there yes with her the more you pull him out the more you PRO-LONG it. you have to stop calling! if he wants to file he will you cant stop and if dont want a D STOP bringing it up or he will.
please listen to what we have told you. we have all been there and are trying to save you some anguish...oh mu H bought a suzuki 1000cc MC and grew his hair out! an overweight 50 yr old!
Me 53 H 51 OW 25 Bomb may 06 left june 8/ 06 ILYBNILWY (twice!) 7/6/07 H wants to come home 7/21/07 H comes home 7/07 -7/08 long haul letting go of OW now piecing in earnest
an2m I think that sometimes I keep pushing for the D only because I am needing SOME kind of peace. And many days I think if that peace will come from D than so be it. But then...I don't think that D will change a thing at this point only to protect myself financially and to lose our farm. I don't want to lose anything including my H and so you are right...I do need to stop. It's just figuring out how...
M41 H42 D17 Adopted N14 M22 T24 "Bomb" 4/07 Sep 8/07 Admitted OW 11/07(only to me) OW back 12/4/07 PA on off thru 7/08 says done w/OW but not coming home 8/08 D final 7/09 Moving on and up!!
put that rubberband on your wrist and snap it eveytime you want to call. read the resources at the top...and again if it doesnt sink in. will that piece of paper really give you peace????
Me 53 H 51 OW 25 Bomb may 06 left june 8/ 06 ILYBNILWY (twice!) 7/6/07 H wants to come home 7/21/07 H comes home 7/07 -7/08 long haul letting go of OW now piecing in earnest
one year of separation is really not that long. heck, we were separated almost two years and some MLCers are gone even longer.
And when they come home, you have a different set of problems so prepare yourself from now if it is meant to be that he returns.
i never entertained the idea of divorce and h never filed either.
The Bomb: 08/05 H moves out: 06/2006 H moves back: 01/07 & Out again: 01/07 H moves back: 03/08 & Out again: 04/08 H moves back: 05/09 & Out again: 07/09 Divorced 08-12 Kids: 22, 20, 19
I did more than screw up...I most likely sealed the deal and gave my H every reason in the world to finally end this thing and go file for divorce...
no exuses, no explanation other than I guess I am just not tough enough to keep my mouth shut and be still. I was raised to stand up and fight for what is right and good. Never to back down and let it happened. Wrong? Yea, alot of times. And for the most part I have over the years been able to overcome alot of that. But in my core, it is who I am.
I've told you all I CAN NOT deal with my H wh*ring around with another woman! It's not in me to pretend it's not happening. I have done it for a year. It's wrong. It's disrespectful to me and my girls.
Last night after work I drove by a dark parking lot a few blocks from my H's. And lo and behold there sat OW's car. So she was at his place, staying the night. I had every intention of going home. It's what I should have done, I know that. But once again I didn't do what was right. I went to his place. It was time for her and I to have this out. Time for her to defend herself like I have been doing for 12 months. This woman KNOWS my family. She knows that he is/was NOT D. She knows that we tried for 6 years to have our D16 and lost 3 children. She knows that we adopted our N14 just a few years ago. She is 43 years old and knows right from wrong. And yet she chose to break up our family. She has chosen to continue to see my H knowing what it was doing to all of us. She is afraid of me and yet continues to see him. She knows he hasn't filed and yet continues to see him. She knows I am at my wits end and yet continues to see him. SO...
I get him to come to the door. I told him I want to talk to her. It's not about him anymore. I really don't care what he does anymore. It's about fighting for all that this woman has done to what was mine. I told him it ain't anything different than what he would do if the shoes were on the other feet. That I meant what I said the last time. That I am done letting people hurt me and take all that is good in my life. That she is a grown woman and SHE needs to stand up for herself and face what she has done.
It all went soooo wrong...I tried to get in his house. Of course she stayed hidden.
A little history...My H grew up in an abusive household. He is a fighter. He boxed when he was young. And many bar fights or whatever.Over the years of our M. He has been abusive to me on occasion. Only when he's drunk and not very often. Never punched me or kicked me. Never left a mark. Just would lose his cool and slap me around or push me, whatever. Over the years it diminished. I have never fought back as it would have made it worse. When my D16 was 4 he really lost it one night. At that point I told him I had broad shoulders and could take his sh*t but WOULD NOT put my D16 through what him and I went through growing up. After that I don't think he touched me more than twine. She is now 16. (I am not making exuses for him, I just don't want you to think it was worse than it was).
Anyway...Last night H lost his "cool". He kicked the crap out of me to protect his wh*re!. Worse than he ever had before. I take full responsibilty for my part. If I would have just left and came home none of it would have happened. He hit me. He kicked me. He pulled my hair. He threw me down. He tried to throw me over his deck railing. (the deck sits on the ground). But for once in our years together. I fought back. I told him he didn't scare me anymore. That it didn't matter anymore what he did to me. That he can't hurt me anymore. That I wasn't going to let him do this to me anymore for ANY reason. I don't think I hit him but I did kick him in the n*ts a couple of times.
I have stood by this man for 24 years. Took all his sh*t. All of his family's sh*t. And trust me...there has been ALOT of it. I supported him. Made my life around his. Took care of him and his family. And for the last year I have done everything he has asked of me. I have given him the time to go figure out what he wants. I have tried to pretend that this wh*re meant nothing.
And last night he defended the very person that has ruined our lives. He kicked the [censored] out of the best thing that ever happened to him in order to do that. While she lay in his bed. There is something very wrong with this sitch. Something very wrong with my H. How could he do that? Do I mean that little to him after ALL these years? All that we have been through?
I finally walked away knowing that I finally have ended this thing. And after all that I have done. I lose. None of it has mattered. My M IS over and that WH*RE wins. That my H has made his choice. That to this day he hates me for whatever reason and I just gave him more reason. BUT I finally have stood FOR ME!!!
This morning on his way to work he calls...I didn't answer...he calls again...I answered but said nothing. He said. "I am sorry for what I did to you last night. It should have never happened. There is no exuse. It was wrong. What I am doing is wrong. I know that sorry doesn't take it back or change it but I am sorry. That is why I just sat there last night and said nothing. I felt so bad and couldn't look at you or say anything. I am sorry. And I took Lynn to her car and told her that it won't happen again. I told her I was done seeing her till I got a D or whatever happens. We are done. You were right it is wrong. And I am sorry."
I just listened...I told him I am sorry too, I should have never have come there and then should have just went home. "he said no, not your fault". I told him again, that it wasn't about him. It is between her and I. He apologized again.
That was it. I just said thank you for that and hung up.
So thank you all for your support. All of your advice. All of your caring words. I guess I just wasn't cut out to do this DB thing. I tried, I really really tried. But I couldn't do it. I valued all that you have tried to do to help me save my M. But I think that it has been really over from the beginning. It just that neither my H or me could stand up and do the right thing. It has just went from bad to worse over the months and now it is over.
Good luck to all of you in your sitches. I pray for you all that you get what you are working for. Your good people and none of us deserve what we are going through. It is really sad how M's don't last anymore.
TOH
M41 H42 D17 Adopted N14 M22 T24 "Bomb" 4/07 Sep 8/07 Admitted OW 11/07(only to me) OW back 12/4/07 PA on off thru 7/08 says done w/OW but not coming home 8/08 D final 7/09 Moving on and up!!
GET OUT! go to a shelter...do you really want a man that is abusive to you????? If I were ow I would be scared of what he could do to me ......he is sick and needs help...you need C to leave him...after all that...if you still want him back...you need help and fast! PLEASE seek help TOH
Me 53 H 51 OW 25 Bomb may 06 left june 8/ 06 ILYBNILWY (twice!) 7/6/07 H wants to come home 7/21/07 H comes home 7/07 -7/08 long haul letting go of OW now piecing in earnest
Anyway...Last night H lost his "cool". He kicked the crap out of me to protect his wh*re!. Worse than he ever had before. I take full responsibilty for my part. If I would have just left and came home none of it would have happened. He hit me. He kicked me. He pulled my hair. He threw me down. He tried to throw me over his deck railing. (the deck sits on the ground). But for once in our years together. I fought back. I told him he didn't scare me anymore. That it didn't matter anymore what he did to me. That he can't hurt me anymore. That I wasn't going to let him do this to me anymore for ANY reason. I don't think I hit him but I did kick him in the n*ts a couple of times.
You cannot seriously want to be with a man that could do this.
You deserve better.
You reckon she has won? What a prize huh? A wife beater and a bully. OW has got her just deserts landing herself with a man like him.
NC .
Be The Greener Grass.
Me 40 H 42 Son 11 Married 15 years. Left May 2006 after gambling spree I had EA August 2006 OW Aug 07 after another gambling spree (she will make me happy - stop me gambling!) I filed for divorce 9th April 2008.
