Matilda and Aud, The sleeping elsewhere seems to be picking-up again (3X this week), yet she wants to stay connected. My IC wants me to have a R talk with my W, but I'm not so sure what it would accomplish. I think she's communicating to me already what's important to her.
She wants Saturdays free from any responsibilities. She wants me to be nice to her, and treat her like a boyfriend would--treat her to dinner, tell her she looks nice, appreciate her for her thoughtfullness.
The general wisdom on this forum, is to raise your standards for yourself, and have realistic expectations of the M.
I've started reading, Happiness is an Inside Job: Practicing for a Joyful Life, by Sylvia Boorstein. She quotes that "Steadfast benevolence, sustained by the wisdom that anything other than benevolence is painful, protects the mind from all afflictions." I will continue the daily work of cultivating happiness in my life, which includes benevolence towards my W.
I'm enjoying the latin dance class, that I'm taking with my W. This includes samba, rumba, and cha cha. It was my W's idea to take the class, so I'm grateful to her for her influence. I'm enjoying branching-out from salsa.
I think I will take a break from salsa classes, and put my energy into developing these three dances. I would like to get to a point where I can can be more versatile, and start attending ballroom dances, with or without my W.
I've decided to join the local ballroom dance chapter, to broaden my dance network and awareness of local events. I consider the dancing to be my social insurance. Either my W will benefit from my skills, or I will have a social safety net to fall on in case the M dissolves someday.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
I can't figure out your wife's pattern--sleep elsewhere and then immediately want you to reach out to her. It sounds like her behavior makes you feel more distant (is that a correct assessment, CL?), and that is the time she wants to connect with you. Very confusing! If it was me I would want to ask, "Where have you been??? Don't you know your behavior hurts me so?!"
Then this statement from above surprised me: She wants me to be nice to her, and treat her like a boyfriend would--treat her to dinner, tell her she looks nice, appreciate her for her thoughtfullness. My first reaction: WHAT THOUGHTFULNESS? Buying the ipod you didn't want? Complaining that you don't do enough around the house?
It sounds like the dancing is still the major way you connect, but it's also a life line for you. I admire you for your ability to keep taking care of yourself!!!
Matilda, Thanks for your concern. It's helpful to hear other's reactions from a different vantage point. Your comments and observations are helpful.
The skill I'm needing to improve on is now that I have the GAL aspect of my life in place, is to be able to maintain friendliness towards my W, no matter what she does, and less turbulence in my own mind. Sylvia Boorstein, in her book, Happiness is an Inside Job, talks about Steadfast Benevolence as the balm for mental affliction.
I hope my friendliness will help her heal her own afflictions, but there are no conditions attached. She will follow her own path to self-destruction or healing. This is beyond my control.
She did mention to me recently that she would like to partner with someone to quit smoking. I asked her if I could search for someone for her. She said yes.
Her anxiety has been high around this issue. She is mindful that she may have only so much time left, before she becomes ill, unless she quits.
My W is trying to communicate what's important to her. I need to listen and try to meet her needs in a reasonable manner. I think of her as a friend with potential.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
and hopefully one day you'll look on her as a friend "with benefits" as well.
It's good that she is trying to communicate what is important to her (i.e HER needs) and that you are such a good (and concerned!) listener. Does she ever ask what YOU need???? I don't have the sense that you ask her for anything.
I love hearing tidbits from all the books you read. I need to find more books like that on cd so I can listen while I drive since I rarely take time to sit down and read for enjoyment.
Matilda, As far as expectations go, I ask that my W practice dancing with me at least weekly. It's also expected that she work to some extent to help with the expenses. Beyond that, you're right, I don't ask anything more of her at this time.
She doesn't ask what I need, but decides what I need. She treated me to a clothes shopping trip last year. She took me shopping for a new pair of shoes earlier this past year. She bought me an Ipod, and home computer recently. She bought me a car stereo last year. She upgrades my life in material ways, because she knows I will live an austere existence, to live within our means.
I'm working on a book, called Writing the Natural Way, by Gabrielle Rico. I've been having writer's block for the past year, learning fiction technique, but struggling with being self-expressive. This book has been helpful with tapping into creativity, and has me approaching writing in a different way.
I ended-up finding some inspiration, and wrote a poem, which I've never done before. This has been the piece I'm most proud of to-date.
I'm still amazed by it, and am not sure where it came from. Hopefully, a similar experience is not far away.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
This is a poem to my wife Whom I struggle to repair a marriage with Whose tantrums reveal a longing for partnership and relief Persistent like the droning wail of a tornado siren Relentless and then settles into a quiet sobbing I have created doubt by my own impersonation of a turtle Because of my own lack of faith in a couple's ability to wrestle with conflict I thought that her tolerance was timeless and impervious to the damage done by relentless waves against a shoreline But now I see that a husband must never avert his eyes to the desires and suffering of his spouse Because I think eventually she will put her heart into something that connects with her humanity or escape the disappointment So I write this
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
