Going on Four Weeks MLCer Home

[MidwesternGirl]

Just checking in.

Believe me when I say that while your spouses live separate from you, consider it a vacation.

We are going on week five and yes there are good and bad times but the self-esteem, bad moods, really can get to a person such as myself because I am not one who tends to be a down person.

H just drinks each night but it is heavier on weekends.

He asked me on Sunday how can I sit with him out back and not drink or have a cigarette in my hand. I told him that first of all, I do not smoke, don't like it, and I do not need those things to make me feel better about myself. I said sure, I like to drink on Friday nights and just kick back but to do that every night, no way.

I asked myself a question and don't get me wrong, my husband does have some good qualities about him but for the most part, he was always a miserable person even before the affair! So my question to myself was what makes me think he will become a happy person six months from now, a year from now? I do not think he will ever be happy. You would think he would be thankful for being able to come back to his home or be happy he is around his kids and wife. He just complains, complains, complains.

I almost cried this morning after telling him that I think there is something really wrong with one of our dogs and his response: "whatever" and he walked out the door to go to work. I said nothing.

He complains about how uncomfortable the bed is, etc.

And I was feeling guilty that I don't make enough money but when I see how much he is spending on alcohol and cigarettes each week, then I wonder why I am feeling so bad.

I feel guilty for thinking these things!!

I am posting this to give you a glimpse inside my world of having my husband home, something I prayed for, wanted and worked so hard for.

I am not saying I regret this as I am thankful to God for all He has done but this is a very hard time. And yes, there have been times when I say to myself, if he wants to me miserable, then please go back with OW and be more miserable but that would tear me and the kids up and I would not tolerate that again.