Thank you all for your encouragement, kind words and insight. What I am trying to understand is my motivation and what the pay off is (both negative and positive) for my actions including NC. Sometimes that is easier to do when folks (as generous as all of you) are willing to share what and why they did certain things.
On the one hand I don’t think I am using my sitch to garner sympathy (a martyr can make a great show of suffering for this reason), on the other hand if it were to get me some (sympathy) from H I’d be lying if I said I wouldn’t take it. Would I like to provoke a reaction? Yes and no, which is one of the reasons I think NC is in my best interest. I need to understand my thoughts and motivations and I’m struggling with this.
I’d rather hear that I’m doing well than poor you, even though I feel like a fraud. What I present as opposed to how I feel can be two completely different things. I’m convinced that my positive actions and speech will turn the negative in a positive direction. I just really have to watch my internal dialogue and I get so tired on monitoring that and working at keeping an internal reference for my own validation. When I feel sorry for myself (and yes, sometimes I do), I’m pretty good about doing something (usually physical) to make me feel better. Coming out of NC will have to occur on limited occasion’s b/c of D’s (events where we will all be there). Fortunately, there won’t be too many of these. I do feel like I’m withholding and being pretty selfish about it. This is hard for me.
We need to co-parent our kids and right now, I have them except when he comes (here to the house) to visit them on Sunday’s. The last couple of weeks I’ve just been gone when he gets here and I don’t come home until he’s gone. No, I’m not skulking out down the block. I make plans and execute them. I’m concerned how D’s may start to see this (complete avoidance of their Dad on my part) and I’ll probably modify this to some extent. Something like waiting until he gets here to leave and coming back before he leaves. Right now, I don’t really want to see or talk to him (yes, I am angry to some extent), it hurts and I don’t want or need anymore of that.
Perhaps if I meditate some more on all of this I will get some clarity. I could use some….or a match, it’s dark in here. Like my D15 says “Of course I’m out of my mind…..it’s scary in there.”
