Letter from WAW after she flew to my city for talk

[Just_Me]

GH31,

I want to give you advice, but am struggling with what to say. It's good that she wants to try, but I can't get a sense whether she really does want to. It sounds so calculating...like a business decision. And it's occurring without any input at all from you. Did she say, "are you interested in having me back?", or has she pretty much said that she's coming back?

I understand that the logistics of her move pretty much necessitate her actually moving in, rather than taking things more slowly. That's okay. It's something to be worked through.

What's not okay is for her to assume that things can just go back to what they were. For one, it seems a little hard to believe that she moved out then started a relationship two days later. Why did she pick so far away? What are the odds you'd move that far away and then start some relationship within 2 days? Even if she isn't lying about that, there will still be trust issues. At first you'll be relieved she's back and you can try, but believe me, you will wonder whether she's talking to OM (who likely won't just fade into the woodwork on his own) and even if she is not, you'll wonder when she picks up and leaves again.

As far as talking about things....now isn't the time to avoid relationship talks. You need to be able to listen to what she needs out of the relationship, but you also need to be able to express that you will have trust issues and that it will take you time to truly feel comfortable and safe in the relationship. You might also indicate that your vision of the future includes two people working to make the best possible marriage, but she's on probation and doesn't get a free pass to talk to OM or otherwise walk all over you. You don't have to put it harshly, but you definitely can express any reservations you have.

I would indicate to her that you missed her, you realized how important she is in your life, and that you would much prefer to spend the rest of your life with her. But I wouldn't get into any kind of desperate and weak stuff, like you were miserable and crushed. I would indicate that while you prefer her, you do know that life goes on, and it's too short to spend being insecure.

Me

P.S. I remember that the issue of having babies came up before. It possibly will again. If you don't express your issues with trusting her, it will be hard to explain why you don't feel comfortable adding a new life into a shaky marriage.

P.P.S. It is okay to have boundaries and stand tall. How interested in life with you could she be if the moment you show a backbone she starts doubting the marriage. You need to be able to feel that she's committed also, or you're just wasting your time.