God give me the patience and the strength...2

[theotherhalf]

Had my first night on my own at new 2nd job. WOW...don't know if I'll be able to hack it. But I am going to give it my best shot. Everyone is nagging at me because they say it is too much for me. My mom says I'm going to end up sick or something. I think I am fine. I tell them it is good for me. Keeps me busy. Out of the house. And will give me some extra money. My father in law used to say. Work never killed anyone. So for now. This is good. not saying I will do it forever.

H came here Sat to go over farm bills. After Fri am's spewing it was weird. He was very nice, fair, and agreeative. Again weird...

I stewed on it 2 days. Wondering what the H*ell he is up to. Yesterday on his way to work I had to call to tell him I sold our old camper. Couldn't help myself. I asked him what he was up to. Said Friday he was kicking me out of the house. Filing for D. Threating me if he loses this farm blah blah blah. Then Sat all was well. He said I told you I was drunk and just pissed off and I am not up to anything. Still says he is buying the bike. I just said fine you of course are going to do what you want but...shouldn't we be settling things between us before we spend any money on anything else?...he just said we'll see.

I fully believe that the only reason my H won't go file for D is because it doesn't work for him. He knows very well that if we D he will lose this farm. That there is no way he can buy my 1/2 out and it will have to be sold. So it isn't me that keeps him from filing. It's this piece of land. So the ball is in my court in a sense...the way things are now...I can't move on because I am still M and it is not in me to do that...he gets his freedom...his OW...and this farm...all is well and good for him. Me...it s*cks!...