Well as for me the night before the one and only court date she got drunk. I dont mean tipsy...I mean blown out of the water.She drank before leaving the house, at her friends and while driving home. WITH her son, his friend and her 16 year old daughter! Imagine coming back to the house with your son as she drives up like that. Stumbling out of her van...kids scared and angry. And theres me...making sure she was ok. I spent 4 hours picking her up (literally) off of the floor! She went from happy to not caring, angry and then to sleep. Her middle daughter called her and her mom handed her cell to me because she couldnt understand her. She told me to take her keys which I did. I was kicked in the back and ribs, bitten, slapped....you name it AND grabbed. A friend of hers called her and she wanted her keys to DRIVE to the bar and I said no. She then demanded I take her and I refused because she was in no condition to be out of the house. She had me call her friend and tell her I was "refusing" to let her leave. I called and explained she was trashed and couldnt stand let alone walk and I wasnt about to let her drive or take her anywhere in that condition. As I telling her this my ex is calling her friends name out like a raging drunk. When I closed the phone I was punched, yes punched, in the head several times. Thankfully shes tiny and Im not. Then the cursing and name calling started. After awhile she decided to stay and sleep. Of course I had to pick her up again and put her on the couch. She then decided to call her oldest so she could wake someone up to yell at him (whole other story!) which she refused. My ex then called back several times and left very nasty voice mails calling her daughter a bitch. Finally falling asleep. No memory of this the next morning. No memory of scaring the kids or going to McDonalds but refusing to feed her daughter. No memory of what she did to me or pulling her daughters hair at her friends house hurting her. Nothing!! She was angry for telling her. When I left to get ready she thought about it and realized she really screwed up. But she was more concerned I would "rat her out" in court! She apologized and thanked me for being there for her.
So there I sat in court. The judge asking questions and me looking like I was ready to start crying. She actually was sad...but just for what she was doing to me. Still says she feels bad but who knows. But what I dont get is this what guy out there in my position after what she had done would take care of her and only ask she never do it again (not first time for drinking and driving) and just get help instead of calling the cops and having her thrown in jail OR standing up in court and running thru the details for the judge??? A guy like that must be a real piece of crap worth dumping huh??
Oh well...yet here I am still loving her. Go figure.
Germ, I understand...completely! I felt the same way for 5 years. My ex told me there were problems from the wedding night on! Hey..should have said something. I dont think she really means it when she said she hated you since you got married. They say those things. So do we. It means (maybe) something happened at some point that made her DOUBT her love. They have a way of using words in ways we dont understand. Like mine...."never" meant "most of the time". Do your best to let it roll off. This doesnt mean she wont go through with the divorce though. She has issues just like ours did...not that we didnt add to it. You can and will live without her. How is up to you. Focus on you. Dont listen to her negatives and only believe half of what you see and none of what you hear until after the dust settles. They can and do come around but it may not be how we want it. Remember God didnt want this. Its free will. You just need to keep your focus in the right direction and hang on. Theres always a possible miracle around the corner. If not then He will take you where you NEED to be.
And I felt the same (and sometimes still do) that I have no joy outside of this. She was half of me. Its normal to feel this way. It took almost 3 years before I was able to feel better. And that was because I threw all my attention on the kids (hers and mine). Find something to focus on. Any groups at church you can join? Hobbies? Find something, anything, to get your mind off of it. And dont do what I did. DONT sit at home and worry or wonder about where she is or what shes doing. Let it go as best as you can because thats the first step to getting through this (my opinion).
Take care Bill
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...rue#Post1230087 Me 35 w 42 4 sk 12-21 our s10 m10 t14 '02 ILUBNILWY 12/24/05 pa 02/07 pa separated 1/07-3/07 asked 4 D 3/07
Germ, as far as you, its all about justification. They basically convince themselves that they are doing the right things. And, please dont believe that bullshit about her never loving you from day one. They all say that to make themselves look good...a lot of it has to do with guilt.
My M went 5 years without a single problem...we were perfect for each other. Then when the problems start, all of a sudden, I too was blindsided...so what, this was a joke, or did someone pay you to marry me?
As far as depression..My friend, I ran the gauntlet of every emotion there is for a human to feel, and faced them head-on. Know what? After the smoke clears (which took a good year) and you become detached, you will feel a peace and soberness you havent felt in a long time..maybe in your entire life.
Of course you miss her. I miss my W. But look at this way, do you miss what you had...or maybe what should have been? We cant predict the future by thinking the past can come back. You just need to dissect the M from the beginning, see what happened over the timeline....Its not like this was a instant brain fart on her part. This took a lot of thinking and planning and gaining evidence on her part to do what she is doing.
Sad part is with most of these sitches, the warning signs were there, we just didnt see them until it was too late. And by the timne we do see them and make the necessary changes in ourselves to make us better spouses, its too late and we are left wondering why they cant see the NEW us..
Thats a big part of holding on. We know we can make it work, do we wait and sometimes drill it into their head that if they would see us and try now, the M can work and be better. But, the WAS only sees it as a temporary bandaid, and us being dependent or needy..etc. They especially know when we are depressed.....almost like they gained training like a drug-sniffing canine.
Like Bill said, the lies are part of the guilt, too. that is the major factor in them when they leave.
Germ, you said you gave so much. You said you were there for her. That, in my opinion, is a case where her issues came way before you..so you cant blame yourself on that one. It does take two to split a marriage, but it also takes two to reconcile one.
If she is not into it, you really have no choice but to DB, GAL, and at least set your boundaries so you dont become a doormat.
I dont believe in coincendence, or karma, or luck. Every thing good and bad happen for a reason. So take this as an opportunity to find out why. Say to yourself...."this happened because I did this", or "this happened because she is like that"...you would be surprised what you can figure out. And that is not passing or taking blame. Thats accepting the situation for what it is and making the most out it....also means working through the depression roller-coaster.
When I started breaking things down with my M, I saw my part in it, and her part too. We did talk about it though too.
Okay..I think I went over my two cents..lol...anyone want to fund the time machine yet?
Germ, as far as you, its all about justification. They basically convince themselves that they are doing the right things. And, please dont believe that bullshit about her never loving you from day one. They all say that to make themselves look good...a lot of it has to do with guilt.
My M went 5 years without a single problem...we were perfect for each other. Then when the problems start, all of a sudden, I too was blindsided...so what, this was a joke, or did someone pay you to marry me?
Chevelle, Did you ever figure out if it was a mental issue that things just fell apart or was it a process that you just didn't realize. In my case, I knew we were having issues, but I also just figured that we both respected the sacrament of marriage. Additionally, I thought our M was actually getting better. We were making more money, fighting less and I was doing nice things for her that I thought were making her happy. Whew, I was wrong.
Right now I am still frustrated. Part of me wishes I could tell the world (mainly her allies) about her homosexual and hetero infidelities. Yet she has created a legal wall that punishes me for even a myspace posting. I think that is unfair. I want my story told loud and proud. It is so painful to be lumped into the whole ex-husband category of life. I also hate how I've been painted evil by her. I did so much for her and I don't see how she can't see that? Why couldn't she at least have the decency to break up with me over the phone? No, intead it is through the lawyer. I know her secret. I know she at least explored lesbian relationships online and in person (no clue about how far physically). I would've done anything to not be in this position. While I take blame for mistakes and shortcomings (comparing her to other women b/c I was struggling with lust, drinking too much w/her and alone), I won't take blame for ending a marriage through violence and cheating. Urrrghh...
Chevelle, Did you ever figure out if it was a mental issue that things just fell apart or was it a process that you just didn't realize. In my case, I knew we were having issues, but I also just figured that we both respected the sacrament of marriage.
I knew about her issues before we got together. I just assumed they were behind her for the most part since she and I were so happy together. She hated the idea of infidelity and anyone who was pertaking in it. Now, she did it herself..and hates herself for it to this day...she claims that was the X factor in our impending S and D.
The issues have now repeated themselves with her. I knew she used sex to get guys as a teenager, but thought she matured.
Wrong.
Now, she has found an OM that gives it as much as she wants. So, to me knowing her better than him, I have determined that this R was built on the premise of....If I get sex all the time, OM makes me feel wanted..
Well, I dont care who you are, its pretty hard to keep the pace you have early on in an LTR later on down the road when you commit each other...
So then, the "real" yous come out, and you see each other for who they are, and sometimes the WAS sees that the greener grass is really brown. No saying it happens all the time...but more often than u think. Also, they may not say it, but deep down they will, at many points, miss what they had..especially when problems come up.
One thing I remember...Yes, I played my part, and yes, I became a million-times-over better man than I was. But when they see you as the cause of their misery, they won't change enough to remedy any problems in their Rs. So, they become miserable after a while. I have seen that too many times on this board and in the field to think differently.
It was rough. Thursday I went for my last things and to help her move some furniture for cleaning. Hey , when the woman actually wants to clean I encourage it! She apparently inhaled something while cleaning which kicked her allergies into high gear. So I, being the sap I am, dusted "our" bedroom and swept the bed. Then brought down my sons ionizing fan for her(did wonders) and ordered pizza for the kids and a friend spending the night. She was too "sick" to feed them. Then before I went for pizza she asked me to pick up two things (she paid) and I did. So much for tough love and gettin out of Dodge by sundown. Before I left I told her once my stuff is gone that's it, I wasn't coming back.
Friday came back to finish and she started in on her bf, good and bad. When I left I told her I can't handle this junk anymore. Listening to her about him and other stuff,being around only to help her and thats all I'm good for. She denied it and said she could stop talking about him and I said its more than that. She said "I thought we were friends"! I told her to call me if something changes and she truly wants me in her life. Very hard to do.
Today stopped by to see my son (stayed in car) and called him. She got on phone to suggest something since I was going to do laundry. Them before I could leave she stepped out of the house to ask if I forgot my grill. I said on way backs son could toss it out on porch and she decided to suggest he "set it on the porch instead" and she left. I kind of sat there and faked a laugh. Wonder how her weekend went ?? She went with on to a bodybuilding show and spent the night and most of Sunday with him. She spend so much time with a guy she's unsure about (and sleeping with him ). Oh well.....
I'm detaching ok. Today was good. Just don't see her the same now. Maybe staying away is a good thing.
On a side note I got a new toy! I'm writing this on an iPod touch !! Still getting used to it so forgive the typos.
Nowhere to go but up! Bill
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...rue#Post1230087 Me 35 w 42 4 sk 12-21 our s10 m10 t14 '02 ILUBNILWY 12/24/05 pa 02/07 pa separated 1/07-3/07 asked 4 D 3/07
had to go do laundry at a laundromat for the first time in ages! How was your weekend? Hopefully more stable than mine. Heres the text conversation while I did my laundry: ex "where is bed skirt me " you did something with it long time ago ex " what did I do with it me " no idea ex " k ?????? just now when I stopes by the house to say goodnight to my son( outside) she asked me to find a smell in the kitchen, talk about the house repairs and complain I took my vacuum. Asked if it was a not so subtle hint she wanted to use. Made her actually say ' may i use your vacuum" Then she complained she had to call an exterminator for mice and I said yep ya do. Then I left. All I wanted was to be left alone....funny isn't it! Now I have to start my "separation" all over again !
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...rue#Post1230087 Me 35 w 42 4 sk 12-21 our s10 m10 t14 '02 ILUBNILWY 12/24/05 pa 02/07 pa separated 1/07-3/07 asked 4 D 3/07
had to go do laundry at a laundromat for the first time in ages! How was your weekend? Hopefully more stable than mine. Heres the text conversation while I did my laundry: ex "where is bed skirt me " you did something with it long time ago ex " what did I do with it me " no idea ex " k ?????? just now when I stopes by the house to say goodnight to my son( outside) she asked me to find a smell in the kitchen, talk about the house repairs and complain I took my vacuum. Asked if it was a not so subtle hint she wanted to use. Made her actually say ' may i use your vacuum" Then she complained she had to call an exterminator for mice and I said yep ya do. Then I left. All I wanted was to be left alone....funny isn't it! Now I have to start my "separation" all over again !
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...rue#Post1230087 Me 35 w 42 4 sk 12-21 our s10 m10 t14 '02 ILUBNILWY 12/24/05 pa 02/07 pa separated 1/07-3/07 asked 4 D 3/07
My weekend was good. Went to Pittsburgh (which is a couple hours away from me) to visit some old friends of mine that I havent seen much since I got M. Had a blast...reminded me of the single days.
I can relate to being left alone. I am to the point I would rather stay away from her than talk to her. Fortunately, with her having OM, theres not much communication other than the kids and D talks. Her life is nothing more than OM and the kids, and even the kids hate all this...not so much we arent together..just dont like having a potential stepdad.
I try to look at it, too, in the sense that she is not the same woman I knew. Everyone around her has left her, and she talks bad about me and everyone else that doesnt agree with what she does....she says she wants to move on with life..but she can't stop justifying all her actions by alienating everyone else.
Seems both our women the same problems sometimes. They still feel that comfort level with us, but God forbid they let us know they feel weak when things go wrong. I, dont have that problem right now, OM is too new (one month).
Funny thing is, for what I have seen of him, he is so like me its sickening...if she didnt want me, why would she get a clone of me?
Chevelle, Do you think its better that you have some contact? Do you ever feel hope that way? Or would it be easier if you just completely eliminated any contact with her?
Then she complained she had to call an exterminator for mice and I said yep ya do. Then I left. All I wanted was to be left alone....funny isn't it! Now I have to start my "separation" all over again !