I am completely in agreement w/ you on this. I told the parenting evaluator that things haven't been the same since her hysterectomy. I think it has thrown her into an early mid-life crisis and she is viewing all of our time together as "wasted" so she needs to start anew. I feel stongly the OM is feeding these thoughts and I can only hope his true colors will come out and she'll have some sort of a revelation. However, I'm not too positive this will ever occur, to tell the truth.
W said she felt they "broke something in me" when they took out her uterus. She also said she used to hide all of her "pain" in her uterus b/c of the endo. She now is upset that she has no place to stuff her bad feelings. These were her words before the affair got hot and I was served, so I'm 100% convinced this is related to her hysterectomy.
However, unless she wants to get back into the counseling she's cancelled and have her gynocologist get involved, there isn't much I can do. I'm sad b/c I think I can help and support her through this b/c the problem seems fixable w/ guidance and effort.
I just don't see W "waking up" or "snapping out of it" any time soon, especially not in time to stop the D from happening.
Thanks for your post b/c it really made sense and helped me. Why would she "notify me" of my bad behavior? That would only help me to correct it, so you are right to say that the "intelligent" thing to do would be to just let me go on damaging my own case.
She's got to be grasping here. Her session pointed out some things she's doing w/ D that are bad and she's trying to bait me into an argument or into saying something that amounts to an admission of coaching.
The truth is W's worst enemy here b/c she's been telling so many 1/2 truths and lies she can't keep her stories straight.
Thanks for helping me to see this sitch in a more clear manner.
I know I have to be the stable one for my D. I'm scared of what she's "learning" when she's w/ W, but I can only control what happens when she's w/ me.
As for the Snake, I'm praying that his true colors will come out and soon b/c that may make things become close to civil b/t W and me. I know he's not the man he's pretending to be for her as his past clearly shows what his motives are. W will have to hit "rock bottom" before there is any hope for change in her.
However, once she his the bottom, she may choose to stay there rather than look inwardly for any sort of change. As long as she continues to externalize her problems, there will be no changes. I hope losing money on the D, losing complete control over D4, and having the OM reveal his true self to her after parading around as her savior will lead to her bottoming out and wanting to go up.
That is what I can hope for, but I'm not sure when, if ever, it will occur.
I still miss her and I wanted to touch her and see her smile yesterday when we met. Someday I won't have these feelings for her any more, but I'm still in love w/ the woman she is, not the person she's acting like now. I wish the Alien would leave and bring my W home.
No matter how sad I am over missing W, I still have to continue living life for me and D. We'll be ok through all of this and if/when we continue our journey w/out W, we'll adjust and be fine. It will take time, but we'll both get there together.
RTL, I too was at a point where I wanted my X back. I did not want to give up and could not understand why she was fdoing the things she was doing. The more I researched and the more I read up on things, there was one theme that kep coming across. YOU CAN NOT CHANGE A PERSON, YOU CAN ONLY CHANGE THINGS ABOUT YOURSELF THAT WILL MAKE PEOPLE WANT TO BE WITH YOU.
In my case, to this day, I am to blame for all the problems in my STBX's life, eventhough I never forced her into anything. She told me in June of '07, that she was not in love with me anymore. Over the next few months, I tried everything that DB has to offer to get her back and nothing worked. I even found things that basically showed that she was having an affair. Even after all that, she was still mean, hurtful in every possible way, and eventually began to keep our S away from me. I hionoestly believe that she did everything to force me to file for divorce so she could also use that against me.
This is still fresh for you, you are still reeling from the change. Eventually, there will be a point where she will change and ask for forgiveness and come back or that day will never come and you will be forced to move on. Either way, you have to take care of yourself and your D. In the long run, whether you W comes back or not, YOU will be better off.
I know that is a tough pill to swallow but that is the truth, I have gone through firsthand. One thing that I can encourage you to check out is Divorce Care. It is a support group that deals with divorce and how to cope. they also can send you a daily email to coach, support, and/or guide you through this tough time. My marriage has bascially been over since June and I just signed up for it for the support. they may also have support groups in the area for you to join and connect. You are not the only person going through this, get the support you need. Wish you luck...
Me=29 WAW=25 S=2 "I need a break" = 6/07 Filed = 12/07
You are right. I can only change me. I guess it is all still so very new and painful for me. It is difficult to walk this line right now but I know things will improve as I move through the custody stage.
I'm still so saddened to know you have been in my shoes b/c I know how horrible I feel right now. Thank you for the wonderful advice on the support groups. I'm going to look at them later this week. Also, thank you for your support and encouragement. I hope your custody situation is progressing for you. I understand how much you must ache to not see your boy. I miss my D madly.
In the end, I do have to take care of me for myself and my D. I talked about this in therapy today how the feelings and the pain makes you want to give in, but I know I can't in the long run for the sake of my D and myself. I'm trying to remember I have to "go through the pain to get through the pain" along w/ "short term loss, long term gain." If I'm consistent about these thoughts, I'll be ok, but I'll still find myself blue every now and again.
My T and I also discussed how even though I know I'll be able to move on and eventually get over this, there will always be saddness in me over the loss of my friend, my family, and my dreams. It won't be the type of saddness that will control my life, but I believe there will be a definite loss w/ me forever. That makes me sad too.
Today, W sent an e-mail to my supervisor at work asking him to write an official letter to her which outlined every single extra-curricular activity I've done for the school over the past 6 years to prove I "haven't been involved in D's life 50% of the time."
Well, the policy is work can't say anything about any employee and if anyone does, they could be dismissed. They'll have to subpoena people to get them to testify in court on the matter. So, it looks like W's not going to get her way on this one. She even was a bit threatening at the end of the letter -- "if you are not willing to help me, let me know so I can contact the others individually." Needless to say the letter went to my friend at work who is the head golf coach and I'm his assistant. He let me know what was up right away and gave me a copy of the e-mail for my L.
So... when I got to my L's as scheduled today, I was able to give him more than just the final information on the financials (which I hand-delivered to her attorney's office this afternoon). After L and I finished up the financials, L was pretty ticked off about W's e-mail to my work and wrote a letter to her L demanding a retraction b/c she misrepresented the situation by saying I'm fighting her for custody and the 50% deal.
He stated that she is actually fighting me for primary custody and the only reason she had more time w/ D was b/c her job only called for her to be on campus 25 hrs/week while mine is 40+. My L's letter said we don't deny she had more time w/ D b/c of work, but outside of work we were evenly responsible for D. I think it is funny he demanded a retraction from W. I'm curious to see how this one goes.
Well, I'm going to call D in a few minutes then head to the gym to work w/ the trainer. I'm not sure what type of reception I'll get from W (if any), but as usual, I'll let you know.
Your lawyer rocks!!!!! Glad to hear that you have someone so confident and knowledgeable in your corner. If you are stuck heading for this D, even though you don't want to, you did a great job of finding the right person to fight for your rights!
Good luck with the call tonight and have a good workout.
W2G and Nut! Thanks for chiming in! Hey, W2G, I had an EXCELLENT workout. I'm pretty pumped about the gym and I know it will help keep me active. I feel good, but I'll need to amp down so I can go to sleep.
Anyway, I had a call from W on my cell around 6:45 that I didn't hear b/c the phone had been on vibrate from my session w/ my T. Anyway, W left a message about being concerned about D and when I didn't call back, she sent a text asking to "please call her" as she was "worried about D."
Well, when 7:30 rolled around as usual, I picked up my cell to talk w/ D when I saw W's text. So, I called and ended up talking w/ W for almost 15 minutes before D got on and gave me a quick goodnight.
I guess D has a rash of sorts on the back of her leg up near her butt and W was wondering if it was there this weekend. It wasn't red, so I asked W if it was something I would have noticed, and she said "I guess you wouldn't have noticed. I wouldn't have even noticed it if I hadn't put her on the counter after her bath. So, it isn't your fault or anything. I guess I wouldn't have seen it either." Very weird for W to admit that something wasn't my fault after all! She even said at one point, "I didn't call you to blame you for this," to which I answered, "I never thought you did. You are just trying to figure out the puzzle like any parent would. That's all." She was a bit taken aback by this as she was quiet momentarily. W later restated that she wasn't blaming me or accusing me of anything, so that was a bit odd for her to do given her recent history.
Anyway, W then asked if I could meet her at the dentist's office a little earlier than 2pm on Thursday b/c she had scheduled an appointment w/ her old counselor. She hadn't been in to see her since before she served me, so I'm curious as to what spurred her need to see her now. W said "I thought I'd go see her since I was going to be on that side of town." Who realy knows, but I can't help but think counseling may help W lower her anger at me a bit. From there, who knows what will happen, but I'd like to get her from chewing me a new one daily into something civil.
If we can get to civil some day, I may finally be able to do some real, effective DBing. Oh, well. Who really knows what is going on her her mind. I just thought it was interesting that she was talking so much w/ me -- she went on and on about the rash -- and it honestly felt as if she was looking for something to keep talking about. In fact, as she was handing me over to D, she said "D, I'm done talking w/ Daddy so you can talk now." Then as D was coming to the phone, she asked quickly, "We are done talking, right?" I said, "yes, just keep me posted on D's rash" and told my D goodnight.
It was interesting and not what I expected, but it was a nice change to talk to Dr. Jekyll again.
Glad to hear things were civil, at least for one night. Do not be surprised if it takes a turn again. I am glad to hear your STBX is getting help. If only my STBX would seek help things may change but in my case, she is too stubborn and proud.
AS for me, I go to court tomorrow to try and get custody of my S. My STBX has been using my son as a weapon/bargaining chip and I have seen him 5 times in the last month. It has truly gotten ridiculous but things hopefully will start going toward a conclusion tomorrow.
Keep doing what you are doing. Take care of yourself as well as your D. Over time, you will figure out what you want. It might be to keep trying with the X or move on. In the long run you will be better off.
As for the support and advice, when I was in your place, I had someone on this board in my shoes now and they helped me. Just stick with this and help someone out when you get the chance...
Me=29 WAW=25 S=2 "I need a break" = 6/07 Filed = 12/07
It was interesting and not what I expected, but it was a nice change to talk to Dr. Jekyll again.
Sounds like your lawyer talked to her lawyer, who in turn talked to her. I don't think believe that the way she is acting is helpful in the custody dispute--her lawyer probably told her that.
She even said at one point, "I didn't call you to blame you for this," to which I answered, "I never thought you did. You are just trying to figure out the puzzle like any parent would. That's all." She was a bit taken aback by this as she was quiet momentarily. W later restated that she wasn't blaming me or accusing me of anything, so that was a bit odd for her to do given her recent history.