I had an argument the other night with W about something I said to S7 knowing she was overhearing our conversation on the cellphone. W is always weedling information out of S7 about me, so I foolishly reciprocated and did the same thing with her listening in, just to tweak her. She had taken both boys to her office with her (at 8 o'clock at night ) and I asked S7 who else happened to be there in the office so late at night. It was petty of me, I know it. W blasted me for it.
I felt bad about stooping to her level, and so I prayed to God about it. I then read chapter 13 of Paul's first letter to the Corinthians (1 Corinthians 13). I took it as a sign.
I have been pondering a 180 for a few days now. I had considered that the opposite of what I had been doing, which was going dark and detached, was to pursue W. So taken with the passage in the Bible I just happened to turn to, I figured it was time to treat my W with love.
This morning when I called to say good morning to the boys, I took the opportunity to say I was sorry to W for being so petty. She castigated me again, but I took it humbly and did not argue with her. But she cut me off short so she could continue to get the boys ready for school.
This evening, on my way down to my DivorceCare meeting, I decided to stop by the house to say goodnight to our S's. It started out well enough. I again apologized to W. This started a huge R talk -- a very painful R talk. I tried to endure the hostility and hatred. I tried to reason with W that we needed to not so much work on the marriage, but we needed to find a peace between us for the sake of our S's. W got ugly and insisted that she was perfectly at peace without me in her life, and that they would be just fine without me constantly in her face.
There is so much hatred in her that she has placed solely upon me. She insists that I "psychologically abused" her and am continuing to do so to this day. She says she cannot believe she allowed herself to suffer such "abuse" for 17 years.
It was an utter disaster. I told her that I still love her, and always have. But I want us to at least cease our hostilities for the sake of our sons, if nothing else. She totally denies my love. Her idea of what is and is not love is so skewed, she sets up impossible ideals for me to prove my sincerity. Any time I tried to offer to mend the bridge between us, she rejected it vehemently and said I was too stubborn to hear her or believe her when she says she cannot tolerate me. She claims this is a sign of disrespect on my part.
I asked her what I could do to make her happy. Her answer was for me to leave and never come back. She then threatened to call the police and to seek a restraining order if I did not leave that instant.
...
I give up.
Tonight I have made what I thought was a last ditch effort to appeal to her sensibility and her compassion as a professed Christian. She rejected it so strongly that I just no longer believe any degree of reconciliation will be possible anymore. Ever. It was so heart-rending for me... and for her.
Miracles do happen... sometimes... but it is just not going to happen for us. And I feel so awful for my two innocent little boys. I failed them.
) and I asked S7 who else happened to be there in the office so late at night. It was petty of me, I know it. W blasted me for it.