MAJOR backsliding today. H came to the office today, and I was not expecting him. I had a pretty major meltdown in front of him. I did all the things I am NOT supposed to be doing. Crying, pleading, asking why, asking if he even misses me, R talk. I felt like a crazy person. I told him that I didn't know how much longer I could do this (meaning wait for him), and he said "I'm sorry. Right now I just feel like this is the right thing for me." It was a bad moment for me. I don't know why I did it, or how I can recover from it. I am just going to have to go dark again. I am in no condition to see him right now. Normally, I know that he is going to show up, and I prepare myself mentally. That did not happen today. It was just bad all the way around. Could someone please beat me up a little, maybe lie and tell me it will be OK?
