[girlfromipanema]

I'm throwing a party today! Don't get too excited - it's only a pity party. I think I worked too hard yesterday and exhausted myself into an emotional wreck. All I can focus on is the lack of love from my husband. My thoughts are centered completely around him. If I'm so great, why can't he love me? If I'm so delightful why does he hate me? WHY CAN'T HE WANT TO WORK ON OUR MARRIAGE? He knows the impact a divorce will have on my life - I stand to lose EVERYTHING. He'll get to continue on as is - same job, same house... new woman.

I spoke to "friend's" long-term boyfriend again today. Huge mistake. Every time I talk to him I feel about a zillion times worse. A couple things he said that probably contributed to my current state of mind:

"I'm the only one who doesn't think they're having an affair."
"They sure enjoy each other's company."
"They'll probably end up together. Who knows."

Whatever. I wanted to offer my shoulder for him to lean on, but I don't think it's good for my PMA.

Things are completely stagnant at home. H still sleeping on the couch and not much conversation other than casual pleasantries. Who am I kidding? I do want his approval and love. Desperately.

On a positive note, I worked out this morning - upper body weight training. I didn't get my closets organized this weekend, but I did A LOT of work around the house - scrubbing, polishing, etc. Oh, and I had a lot of fun in painting class. Finished learning all about mixing colors and have picked out a painting to do (she has us copy something the first few times). Next week will be my first "real" painting lesson.