I'm Finally Ready to "Drop the Rope"

[fooled again]

Well I am finally moving over to this forum from "Infidelity" after nearly 3 mos of thinking about it. Trying to deal w/ my H's affair was my primary reason for joining these boards, but it has become painfully clear that there is much more to my sitch than a simple EA/PA. Every day I have to remind myself that I will likely be here for a very long time, whereas at one time I believed that knowing of the existence of my H's MLC would in itself show me the way out of the mess it has made of our lives. Not so.

I'm not going to rehash my story beyond what is in my signature. For any who are interested, my last two threads are:

Thread 1: His affair, he left, now he wants me back
Thread 2: Back on the Roller Coaster - OW still around

I have always been grateful to everyone who has taken the time to post on my threads - it is always helpful to hear what others have to say, even when you disagree. Both veterans and newbies have so much to offer, and I gratefully take wisdom wherever I can find it, even from my D7. It was only after starting my second thread that a kind soul (not on these boards) gave me a link to Heart's Blessing's Six Stages of MLC , and in essence gave me the box for the puzzle I've been working on for nearly two years.

So to update, things seemed to be going well for the past month or two, H was reconnecting more and more, spending more time at the house, with me and D as a family, staying over, coming over to walk the dog, a few other little things. I was getting the feeling that the A must truly be over, that H was sincerely working towards moving home and he seemed to be feeling better about himself w/ his new job and more positive about our future. He was saying he wants to be a family again and was showing some consistent, reliable behavior.

This weekend, however, showed me how far we have to go, if we can get there at all. H went out of town on business and though he stayed in touch during the week, he "disappeared" on the weekend, despite D7 calling him so many times that she "can't remember how many". I think the hardest thing was that this was the same behaviour during his A, he would simply disappear and he hasn't done that for a long time. Secondly, he had promised that he wasn't going to do that anymore. But the hardest thing for me was trying to console D who was so hurt and angry (taking it out on me, understandably) while I was feeling the same way. I promised her that I would never forget about her, that I would never let her down, that she can always count on me. But it was a long, lonely weekend spent wondering if he was with OW again. And maybe he in fact was, since I found out that his flight came in on Thurs night when he had told me Sat by text that he was still out of town.

Today he finally called me & told me he was sorry for not calling. He said that I deserve better and so does D. When I asked him what happened he told me that he stayed in [city] for the weekend w/ his boss. I am 95% sure this is a lie, and I alluded to this belief when we spoke. He asked me what I "thought I knew" (using the same words he used when I discovered his A was ongoing a year after he told me it was over & I found his emails to & from OW). He told me he just couldn't give me what I needed - my response was that he didn't want to. I told him that if he doesn't want me, if he doesn't want this marriage, if he doesn't want to be in this family, that he should just leave - poor choice of words since he moved out over a year ago. He could have done this a year ago, two years ago. He said he does want me. I told him that I don't think he knows what he wants, that maybe someday he will figure it out, and I really do hope he figures it out. He ended the call saying he would pick up D from daycare later in the week.

He called back a few minutes later saying that he knows what he wants, and that includes me ("includes"???) and that he's been very stressed because of his new job and the pressure of not wanting to screw it up. He said he hasn't talked to me about this, but he should have. He ended the call saying he knew I was at work & didn't expect me to answer him but he'd talk to me later.

I have decided that it's time for me to "do something different". I have to figure out how to put into words that I am "dropping the rope". I have to finally tell him that though I love him and I want him in my life, I will not play his games any longer, whether or not his games include OW. He can live his life however he wants, he does not have to call me or tell me what he is doing. All I ask is that he be there for D and live up to his obligations and the promises he makes to her. It is time for me to take care of myself and live my life. It is time for me to step back, detach and let go. I guess this is going dim, since I can't go completely dark because of D. I have done this once before, the last time I found out OW was still around, and this past weekend has the same flavour as then; I was done w/ him, w/ the drama, the games and w/ our marriage. Then he started pursuing me and didn't stop until I agreed to give him another chance. That's when I came to the BBs.

So now I am letting go, realizing that this could mean the end of it all, the end of my marriage, the end of my family, the loss of the person who was once my best friend. I actually feel this strange sense of calm, though I suspect it will be short lived. I suppose this is what comes from taking control and deciding that it's time to set some more boundaries. I am not very good at setting boundaries, but I know in my heart that I will continue to feel lost and unsure unless I start. There will doubtless be some talk from H in the next few days and I am very curious to hear what he has to say. I on my part intend to say very little, unless he asks. I know he sees me getting stronger and stronger, and I suspect that he must realize that I could be happy without him, it just may take awhile to get from okay to happy. Micoms told me that LBS often become WAs, and I can truly appreciate how that happens.

Finally, there are a few who have come through this w/ their marriages intact, and I've had questions for them, especially Butterflymom. I have tried to send a PM to her but it doesn't work - does anyone know the trick?

Thanks to anyone who has taken the time to read this - positive energy flows up.

FA