i'm clueless....

[blindsided1]

Ann,

How are you doing these days. I caught up on your sitch and just wanted you to know that I was thinking of you. I hope that you are well and that things have been better. Have a wonderful Easter (if you celebrate Easter). Any news on the baby's sex? My little one is moving and kicking like crazy. Let us know how you are doing. And, what SBD said about you giving encouragement, just know that he's not the only one that values your help and appreciates you. So do I.

[ann25]

Thank you all for checking in with me... I just felt like I needed a little break. I think toooo much about all the craziness and every once in a while I just need to live and let my life be what it is without thinking about every second.

SBD - AWESOME!!! thanks so much for the update. i'm so glad that you guys have come so far and that I could be of some help to you. It's amazing what just simple words of encouragment can mean even if there is no advice on a situation. It is definately beautiful there and would be a lovely place to live. For me, I miss my hometown and the 4 seasons, but i am certainly not missing shoveling snow here, so i'll deal!

Blindsided - I am having another little girl!!!!! I finally found out last week. I'm so happy to finally know. D3 is thrilled. She said, and I quote, " we don't need no stinky boys"... I laughed so hard and reminded her to keep thinking that when she becomes a teenager!

Life is moving along in the same fashion that it has been. H has good moments, but then he has really bad moments too. I'm just trying to keep my behavior the same and not change with his moods. Most everything has stayed the same between us. I'm still having intimacy issues with H and he still speaks before he thinks... he actually made a statement about me needing to do more as a mom... He's lucky he was leaving because (as almost any mother will tell you) those are fighting words... hehe. Seriously though, I was hurt and crying and he just walked away. I'm getting used to stuff like that and trying to talk to him about it, but he leaves the house and by the time I bring it back up, it's always I took it the wrong way or that's not what he said... Whatever. Yesterday was really good though. I kinda wish H would spend even half the time he does playing video games with me and the girls, but we are just in different places right now.

I can't believe I'm having a baby in less than 2 months. It's crazy! I am trying to get H to spend more time with D3. She is going through a stage where she thinks that anytime you get upset with her that you don't love her. I've adapted by trying to explain more and reassure her, but H doesn't seem to notice, so I'm trying to get them to spend more quality time together, so he can get to know her a little better and see how fragile her little heart is.

[Dom R]

Hey Ann,

sounds like you are having some good things.. hang on to those

I have a positive suggestion for you...

I kinda wish H would spend even half the time he does playing video games with me and the girls, but we are just in different places right now.

First, a "dont":
Dont tell him "you need to spend more time with the girls".
That is about as insulting and hurtful to him, as when he told you that YOU need to "do more as a mom". (maybe he was even attempting to make a point by saying that)

Instead...
How about just telling him (more), that YOU miss him. And that you wished he would spend more time with YOU, instead of so much video games?

I am trying to get H to spend more time with D3. She is going through a stage where she thinks that anytime you get upset with her that you don't love her. I've adapted by trying to explain more and reassure her, but H doesn't seem to notice, so I'm trying to get them to spend more quality time together, so he can get to know her a little better and see how fragile her little heart is.

hmm. and now a different issue:
You may need to just let that go. you've got too much on your hands already.
"You can only control yourself".

You can encourage your daughter to go talk to daddy and ask him "come play, daddy?" But if he still chooses not to play... unfortunately, it is his choice.

My gut says, that you get to choose between EITHER attempting to create a better relationship between her and him, OR a better relationship between you and him.

If you try to push the "Her and him", you'll probably fail anyway, but your efforts will make your relationship with him worse.

So I suggest more just putting your efforts into "you and her", plus "you and him", and letting go of the "her and him" more.

[ann25]

Hey dom... I haven't actually told him that i wished he spend more time with us than playing video games... i just think it. When he said I need to do more as a mom, it was more than that, i gave the simplified version. He was mean and angry and he knew it would hurt me when he said it. I know i'm a good mom, so I'm over it though.

I've told him I miss just spending time with him watching movies and stuff. Yesterday for instance, he said all he wanted to do was play his game, why couldn't i just understand. So, I just pick up a good book and sit on the couch with him and read. For now, at least we are in the same room, same couch, same time... it's something.

I totally get what you are saying about H and D3... not sure what i'm thinking when I can't even get H to spend quality time with me. She always asks to sit and watch daddy play his games. She just wants to be near him. I hurt for her, but I've been trying to spend more time with both of them when he's doing his thing so at least they have someone to play with and talk to.

We are heading to Vegas this weekend. Should be interesting. H is already worrying about everything. The car, gas, traffic... he's driving me crazy. I'm hoping we can spend some time as a family, but probably it will end up him going off with the guys and me sitting back with the girls. I'm hopeful that there he will want to hang out with us, but not having any expectations of it...

less than 2 months now and there will be 3 precious little girls... wow!!

How are you doing?

[Dom R]

.... why couldn't i just understand.

ooooh boy.

that's a whole other problem.

it sounds like HE's the one who needs to be more understanding.

Ann, you cannot let that continue as-is. It sounds like he's doing that more and more. (ie: an every day thing, rather than a "just that day" thing)
That kind of thing will destroy your marriage. It will just get worse and worse, if you accept his behaviour without saying anything.

The tricky bit, is in how to help him understand, without making it a "battle of wills".
very tricky

Maybe you would need to get "back to basics", and discuss with him what he believes "being married" means, and what "married people should do together".
Once you have that down, then ask him if his behaviour, matches up with how he just described how he thinks marriage should be like, and whether it is supportive of "a good marriage".

My guess is that they wont match up.

If they DO match up... then you have bigger problems

[ann25]

Hey dom... thanks.

Apparently, he doesn't want to talk about our M right now. I tried casually talking to him about what he thinks should go into "being married from each side". We have a family friend that is going though some stuff in her M, so when we were talking about her the other day, i just kinda asked what he thought. Our ideas are basically the same, but when i asked him how he feels like we are doing it was a whole lot of "we aren't talking about us" and "do we really have to do this now?". My response of i think it would be good if we talked about us and we can do it another time, but I think it is important that we have this disucssion was met with frustration and a "whatever" from him. Every time i've brought it up since then, he's been busy or had a headache or was about to leave or something. I'm trying not to be pushy and trying to be understanding, but at some point, we are going to have to talk about our M. I think it would be best to do it now rather than later when it's just too late... I guess i just don't know how to get him to talk to me about it.

he's still playing his video games all night. he gets online and talks with his friends and they all play together. It's funny, because last night when he was playing I could hear some of the other people and I mentioned that the person talking couldn't have been more than 15... he just laughed and said it is funny how many young kids there are on there. I personally think it's funny how many grown men spend hours a night on there... Oh well. that's just me.

[Dom R]

online gaming is mostly 14-25-ish. then it tapers off.
Not too many people over 30. but quite a lot under.

your situation does not sound good
not good from the standpoint of, actually having a GREAT marriage, as opposed to, "well, we'll peacably live together".

I'm guessing that:

- in the past, he took you for granted
- the lack of positive attention, made you crave attention from someone else
- that's what got you into the EA
- he's never accepted/acknowleged his influence pushing you towards that.

maybe it's time to forget talking about "the marriage" in general, and start talking about that very specific part of your marriage that is the problem.

If I'm right about my summary above... then I might suggest that one day(and one day SOON!), you'll need to get "in his face" about it.

Perhaps along the lines of,

"yes, what I did was wrong... but the way you treated me was wrong, too. ANd I DIDNT have a physical affair. So dont treat me like I did. stop punishing me, or treating me like a second class citizen, and start loving me?

I STOPPED doing what i was doing wrong, and decided to work on our marriage. But I wont be the only one.
If you want to be married to me... then treat me as a WIFE, not a roommate/cook?! Give me the attention that EVERY wife needs, or eventually, you will drive me away again. I have feelings. Take care of them. Take care of me. "


the longer you wait, the worse it will get, because he will presumably feel like, "well, you were fine with it all this time, so you're the one with the problem..."

[Dom R]

PS:
properly integrated into your lives, gaming can be a "fun thing".
the way he's using right now, definately sounds like "not fun" though

[ann25]

Hey Dom.

Don't get me wrong, i like playing games. They are fun, we used to play them together sometimes. My issue is when i walk in the door to him playing and then he stops for a couple hours once dinner is ready just to have his friend call (like last night) and they schedule a time to start playing games together online. so, at 9 pm he's playing games until after 11. Then he can't understand why i'm too tired to do anything... helloooo i'm 7 and a half months pregnant... i get tired. venting... sorry.

I'm guessing that:
- in the past, he took you for granted
- the lack of positive attention, made you crave attention from someone else
- that's what got you into the EA
- he's never accepted/acknowleged his influence pushing you towards that.

Your sumary was mostly right.
- the lack of positive attention, made you crave attention from someone else it was really the anger and negative attention that finally crossed the line with me. When he told me he wanted a divorce because i couldn't guarantee that everything would be fine and started sleeping most nights in his office i fell apart.
- he's never accepted/acknowleged his influence pushing you towards that. he tells everyone that he understands that things were bad and i needed the attention, but he won't admit fault in it. I take full blame for the EA. It was my fault I made that decision, but it wasn't my fault he chose to treat me the way he did before any of that happened.

I'm really scared to say something like you suggested above... I know i probably really need to. I've spent the last 7 months telling him that I'm not going anywhere and that he has time to forgive me and we have time to work this out. I know that i need to tell him that I can only take so much and that i need to be treated better. That he needs to change his behavior and put his family before his video games and friends... i'm scared of what his response will be. Not physically scared, but I'm scared that he will revert back to accusations about me cheating and stuff.

He always used to say that "someone was going to be nice to me and just sweep me off my feet" or "all it would take is a little attention and I'd leave him for someone else." It's funny cause he obviously knows what i need, he just doesn't seem to care enough to do it...

I really need to talk with him before the baby gets here. I don't want to deal with this and the new baby at the same time.

thanks dom...

[Dom R]

I really need to talk with him before the baby gets here. I don't want to deal with this and the new baby at the same time.

Exactly. that's why i'm extra worried about you.
once the baby comes, it will be a disaster if you dont have it all sorted out yet. Because there's no way you will be able to work on it when it comes. However it is just before the baby is born, will be the best it will be for the next X months, most likely, wouldnt you say?

Dont put off until tomorrow, what you can do today.
Be brave. talk to him tonight about it. Dont take "i'm busy" for an answer.
Escalate as appropriate;

First ask him nicely but directly, to talk, "right now", and make it clear to him that "i'm busy" is not an acceptible reply just then, for someone who cares about his marriage.
If he refuses, turn the tv/monitor off.
If he still refuses, pull the plug out.

yes he'll be angry.

recognize, though, that his anger, is merely a tactic to avoid facing you and talking to you. So dont let it distract you.

Dont react to his anger. Stay calm, but firm.


Dont let him turn things around on you. Insist on talking about what HE is doing, and how ignoring you and your family for hours, is not compatible with actually being a part of the family.

PS:

[I keep]
telling him that I'm not going anywhere and that he has time to forgive me and we have time to work this out.

.
no. you really dont.

If you dont get things sorted before the baby comes, then odds are, one or both of you is going to be unhappy enough to call things quits after the stress of the new baby has built up enough.

It may take 2 months. it may take 2 years.
But if it's tough enough to rebuild things with two children now, it's going to be even worse with 3, hmm?