Please help...need MLC advice

[forward]

TPAschal, I'm in a similar timeframe as you, and I always read those with similar timeframes with some interest.

I find it interesting that they don't file, or file and then don't act. For my H, that would be typical of his approach to life: be passive and complain when things don't magically happen for you.

I may do the ultimate 180 and file myself. After all, I could sit on it, too. =)

[tpaschal]

breton,

I've read your thread, too. Hope your weekend is off to a good start.

My H is definitely passive aggressive and conflict avoidant. I think (and MIL says she KNOWS) that H filed for D under pressure from OW. (MIL doesn't know anything from H, as they have little to no contact---she knows from her own experience with FIL's serial affairs, where his OW's ALWAYS tried to control and manipulate him into filing D.))

It is interesting that H would let things hang for weeks or even months without doing anything, then all of a sudden would freak out and push forward with D.

I do think OW is very controlling. But, ultimately, so what? He is at fault for what happened between the two of us more than OW is.

And now I'm just being tired and rambly. Going to bed now.

[tpaschal]

I'm feeling kind of lost and alone. Feeling sorry for myself, too.

CMNM (Meredith) and Momof2girls have been great about checking in on me at different times, and several of you---too many to name you all!---have posted very helpful tips and thoughts to me (thank you again, so much!), but I'm feeling kind of left out here on the boards.

Am I doing something wrong as far as asking for help, thoughts, advice? I know my posts tend to be awfully wordy and lengthy.

I always used to confide everything in H, my best friend, and H and I always made big decisions together. Now, at the time when I need my best friend the most, he is the one causing all the pain.

I'm trying to put on my big girl panties and do my best, but I'm so tired, and I just feel cast adrift---directionless. Too scared to commit to one course or another, because, what if it's the wrong one?

I delayed getting a D as long as possible (I didn't have to do much to delay it, it kind of took care of itself on its own with passive/agressive H who would only push forward sporadically---when pushed by OW?, lawyer got sick once, slow courts, etc.) But now that it seems inevitable, it looks like I am going to get scr*w*d in the D. H has had financial problems in his office, has gone further and further into debt, and now can show the courts how little he's got. My L is threatening to withdraw from the case because of lack of payment, even though he knew from the beginning I was a stay at home mom and we had very few assets.

So I guess I'm feeling like, why the heck did I do this? Why did I DB? Why did I stand for my M? As this has dragged on, H blames me more and more. He no longer seems to have any guilt for what he's doing, like he did in the beginning. If I had gone through with a divorce quickly, I would have had a lot more to show for it financially to make a better start for me and my kids.

Still don't want a D. I'm still heartbroken.

Where do I go from here?

[momof2girls]

Hi there,
first of all you can only worry about things you can change. As far as your H's finances..the courts don't really care. Judges see through the having money and now I am broke routine.

You stood for your M because you wanted to, don't second guess yourself. If your D is going to happen then it is time you start to change you. It is time to really begin to lead your life as if H is not coming back.

Of course you are lonely and sad, I think this is such a heartbreaking experience. We are only dealt cards we can handle and you will be ok.

Don't feel left out here...there is great advice to be found and shoulders to lean on.

[CMNM]

Hey T,

Caught up on you and am really sorry you are feeling so low. I want to comment on your question about why did you stand for your marriage when it didn't work out in the end.

You can't see the other side, but in my opinion you would feel even worse if you didn't stand or DB but instead went straight to divorce. You would always wonder "what if?"

You did what you could and that will serve you well in the end. I understand that money is an issue, but I really think that trying to keep your family intact trumped the money issue. In other words, it was worth the money to know that you did everything you could to save the marriage.

I know the feeling of being paralyzed to make a choice. But don't let things happen around you because of it.

Oh, and by the way- the courts will look at earning potential in all of this. A man with an established career vs. a stay at home mom-- I think things will end up more fairly than you think.

I know this is choppy, and I apologize. That leads to your question about your thread. I for one don't post at times because I simply don't have the time. I have to stay away, otherwise an hour checking up on people will turn into another hour posting and the next thing you know it is time to go to school and my latest assignment isn't done! Also, my posts end up choppy and all over the place when I am in a hurry. I hate to put stuff like this out there!

T, hang in there. Both you and Cagz are having such a hard time. This will get better. Just worry about you and take your H out of the equation for now. In all probability there would have been something wrong (in his mind) with any direction you had taken.

Don't beat yourself up for your choices. Trust in God - He knows what is best for you. You WILL be happy again someday.

Hugs,
Pam

[angelica]

Hi - I know that rcr wants to post to you, but she has been banned from the boards, and unfortunately we can't give out email addresses anymore [rules But if you are in contact with anyone on the boards by phone or email see if they have her addie, or know someone who does, if you want to contact her. Sorry I don't post these days, in general, but I am truly sorry for your sitch.

A

[forward]

TPaschal,
Here is my feeling: you stood for your M because you needed to, emotionally. Looking back someday, you will be able to say "I did my very very best."

You will be able to hold your head high and tell your kids you did your best. You will be able to have closure regardless of what happens. You will have learned about yourself. And you will be able to move forward.

That is how I feel now. H will likely be with far-less-intriguing OW or alone. What will he say to D? D will see through lies.

I truly hope you can get a better situation than you think.

[tpaschal]

Hi there,
first of all you can only worry about things you can change. As far as your H's finances..the courts don't really care. Judges see through the having money and now I am broke routine.

You stood for your M because you wanted to, don't second guess yourself. If your D is going to happen then it is time you start to change you. It is time to really begin to lead your life as if H is not coming back.

Sorry for the pity party! I have up days and down days, and yesterday was a downer. Some days I feel so calm, like I have all the patience in the world, and then I'll just lose it! I'm pretty sure you guys have all gone through that, too, so I know I'm in good company! ;-)

I hope that the judge will consider his past income and base any decisions on that and on his potential future income. There really have been some circumstances beyond his control that have caused his income to go down over the past year, but I do hope they will not buy his "poor me" routine.

I do need to start living as though H will never come back, and I know that is the heart of my problem. I have been living as though H would come back.

There were a lot of reasons for that decision---needing to prove the need for spousal support (which is not mandatory in Texas), trying to keep things as routine and stable for the kids as possible, needing time for myself to cope and adjust because just in general I don't like change and it is very hard for me.

But now what? That's the big question, and that's what scares me because I have no answers.

Thanks for the pep talk.

[tpaschal]

I want to comment on your question about why did you stand for your marriage when it didn't work out in the end.

You can't see the other side, but in my opinion you would feel even worse if you didn't stand or DB but instead went straight to divorce. You would always wonder "what if?"

You did what you could and that will serve you well in the end. I understand that money is an issue, but I really think that trying to keep your family intact trumped the money issue. In other words, it was worth the money to know that you did everything you could to save the marriage.

I know the feeling of being paralyzed to make a choice. But don't let things happen around you because of it.

Don't beat yourself up for your choices. Trust in God - He knows what is best for you. You WILL be happy again someday.

Hugs,
Pam

Pam,

First, I apologize for calling you Meredith! I know that you are Pam---my brain was all over the place yesterday.

Thank you for your encouraging words. You are right---if I hadn't DB'd, I would always wonder "what if?" The chance to keep my family intact does trump the money issue.

It is scary, though. I've seen enough people post on the "Surviving the Big D" thread, and known enough people who have gone through this in real life, to know that I can be happy again someday. But even though I know it, in the middle of all this it's hard to KNOW it. It's hard to trust.

I know I have to put my faith and trust in God, but that's sometimes hard for us control freaks, huh???

I read something in one of rcr's old threads that helped that came from a Jim Conway chat---saying he liked the term surrender instead of detach. I know that's what I need to work on. I've been trying to detach from H, and while that's helped me stay on a more even keel emotionally by minimizing the daily wounds and much of the drama, it hasn't helped me move on with living like he's not coming back.

I need to surrender my M, my H, and my fears to God.

[tpaschal]

Hi - I know that rcr wants to post to you, sorry I don't post these days, in general, but I am truly sorry for your sitch.
A

Angelica,

Thanks for checking in on me. All the words of support and encouragement are appreciated. I have found a lot of encouragement and hope in reading her old threads. If you add a 2 to my name I am very easy to find, so I hope she will. I know my situation may not turn out as hers did, but I still have learned a lot from reading about the learning and changes and growth she went through. Like I mentioned in my previous post to Pam, she transcribed a chat with Jim Conway (I think that's who it was, pretty sure) that talked about surrendering. I know that's what I need to do.

I know it, now I need to put it into practice.