Why Can't I DB the right way??

[Abbey]

Puppy, yes... trust but verify. That's where I was at this morning. I had been told the OW had been told to no longer contact him... but he did make a 4 minute call to her 5 days later. And she made another long call was to him 10 days after the promise.

Sara and Watermoon... we have such similar situations... again .. right down to the timing etc. Today I went ape&^%$! on his head this morning. To hell with the no ranting and raving mantra. I even threw a roll of packing tape at his head. Dang near hit him too. (I've NEVER been even remotely violent or aggressive to him in 19 years... but this morning, he got it full boar.).

I screamed, yelled, ranted and raved and told him he OWED me the piece of mind to finally let my life MOVE ON if his "friendship"... not affair, he says... but "friendship" is THAT important to him that he wouldn't clear the decks enough for us to start "over" from scratch. (We're separating in order to start from scratch as friends - his idea not mine.)

I ripped him out... said I got rid of my friend that he had a problem with... don't care if that person lives or dies to be honest... but it's now HIS turn. I said: I'm pleading with you... get rid of her... we need to either rebuild or put this relationship to bed in the next however many months... and we CANNOT do that with 3rd party players who cause you and I to distrust. He assured me again that he intends to make every effort to work and MAKE effort to be friends, to best friends to where ever that leads from there. I further set the boundary after he affirmed that ... if there is ANY MORE contact other than a brief "hello" because he frequents a place she sometimes is at ... and it gets back to me... I will have deemed him to have made his choice and he can shove his "friendship" and ANY involvement from me in his life... straight you know where.

Oddly... what was extremely tense... actually finished off rather well.

After I told him I deserved to have the right to either have hope, or have it finally killed so I can pick up the pieces of my life and MOVE on without him. I go him to agree to NO contact, no phone calls from her, none from him, no touching, nothing other than a courteous hello... nothing more. He breaches that... DARK DARK DARK. Ya know?

Anyway... He assured me that he means what he says about working on the friendship between us so we can figure things out ... and he reached out to touch me ... and then then hugged me and let me cry in his arms for a while, we then agreed we DESERVE a clean slate to work at whatever is left of us (he still thinks in terms of friendship... that's fine, I'll do the rest of that road paving)... and before he left to go do a biz errand... he was playful and hugging. Same when he got home. He kidded around a bit and I said very simply.. you need to be gentle with me. I need you to think how difficult and what your reaction would be if you had been promised something... and then felt deceived. He seemed to soften after that... tremendously. RR was a smart man

Sometimes setting boundaries is what ya have to do. It was a calculated risk... but I simply decided... you lied to me about the affair, you're STILL not going to own up to it... you keep in contact after you promised me she was out of the picture AND you swore no more contact... we had a deal. He breaks it... he can KISS me goodbye til he grows back his brain. I simply AM NOT going to let my life be tanked by a deceitful lying spouse.

Tomorrow I'll be back to feeling like my entire world is falling apart... but today... I feel pretty darn good about growing my own back bone about this. Don't sweat the rants... from what folks have said, they've all done their share of them before this gets easier ... we try to stop them ... but sometimes - 2 in particular in my case... seemed to work out very well.

Abbey.