Please help me! Wife wants out! (5)

[steve477]

Link to previous part. part 4

Ok so my Wife no longer wants out. I havent changed the subject title because I like consistancy! lol

Good weekend. Nice day out yesterday. Nice day today. W didnt go to the gym in the end, said she was too tired, although we had breakfast in bed (i joined her in her bed), and did some `Sunday morning jobs` changed the beddings washed the clothes etc.. Then I went to the gym and she went back to bed.
Take it as a good sign that the `newness` is wearing off with OM, she didnt feel the need to meet him there.

On the way back from the gym, my Dad called me. Going on about something or other, but sounding p`ed off at me as seems to be usual at the moment. So I thought about this for a while, and thoughts also turned to my life, so by the time I got home I was a bit `grumpy`! W could pick up on this and we eventually talked about it. She is definately on my side with this. We discussed my family quite a bit. I told her a few of the things I have told you guys, was happier in Japan, was a mistake to come to UK etc... She recognisies we have had a tough time of it here. She is willing to move away from here with me. Whereas I would drop everything and move, she is more concerned about practicalities (probably rightly so.) If I change my job now, with the baby on the way I wont be able to help out as much. Enough to be getting on with, with the baby and all, without thinking about job changes and house moves (possible country moves). She has asked me to try to stay in my job for another 12 months. I have told her that I wouldnt be happy with her going back to her job after the maternity leave. She knows, but is worried about money (her salary is nice there). She is willing to move somewhere but not too far, say 30 mins away, for now. She is a little more open to the possiblity of moving back to Japan someday it seems.

She says she cant leave me now as we have told everyone about the baby. SO she has no choice.. I rolled my eyes at this. She quickly said that she didnt mean that to sound as negative as it came out. Its not that she doesnt want to be in the M. She is trying on the M in her own way. Cant remember exactly, but something along the lines of wanting to try and make it work before giving up on it if we have to. I dont like the way she put it, but at least it is a positive statement.

We talked about how both of us are `people pleasers` to the extent of not pleasing ourselves. She can see the positive changes in me. Thinks I am doing well.
OM did surface a little in this conversation, but not as a point, just in passing and not directly mentioned. The `problem` at work.

When we got home I walked into her room as she was changing. I caught a peek, but backed out quickly (not because I wanted to but I know she would want me too). She seemed a little miffed that I had walked in. I was a bit miffed that she was miffed. Said that is it really a problem for a husband to see his wife topless. She supposes not. We cooked together, and flirted a bit, I asked if in her view of the future did she see us ever kissing again, or sharing a bed, she teasingly said maybe...

Then she was crying a bit (i think I pushed the flirting a bit too much). She said she was sorry. (dont know what for). I said I was sorry too, I dont want her to think I am becoming a sex mad monster.

So todays lesson is to back away from my hopes of more intimate contact. It will happen in time I guess.

Any ideas as to her thoughts on not kissing me? Is she not atteacted to me? Is she not kissing me because of OM? Is she just teasing me? Is she thinking about it but waiting for the right moment? A bit of everything or nothing of the above?

I kiss her on the cheek, and she seems to have no problem with my patting her backside. And we hug. All mainly initaited by me.

It is my birthday in 4 weeks, I am kind of hoping for a kiss then. We will be away I hope, visiting my grandparents. We will have to share a bed on that trip too. So I am kinda hoping for some kind of breakthrough in the deadlock then.

The way I see it (mans ways of thinking), there are just 2 more `problems` to `fix`. The intimate part of our relationship (emotionally and phyisically), and the OM. She is working on the M she says, but seems she is not yet ready to end contact with him.

All stepping in the right direction I guess.

Cheers

Steve

PS I hope we can work this all out before my thread gets into double figures!

[steve477]

Hi all,

Feeling now that steps are being made to move forward.
I know I am working on the M. I know W is working on the M in her own way. My question is how do I get it to being `we` are working on the M. I guess that will happen after she stops contact with OM.
I dont want this to just smooth itself out without being sorted out properly (seeing echos of Lanzo in me now).

I am thinking that as my W is planning to stop work for maternity leave in August, she will plan to cut contact with OM then. As she works with him this make logistical sense. But is not the ideal way.

I am trying to take the advice that people gave to Lanzo, and just go with the flow for now. Things are getting better, so lets see what happens!

Cheers

Steve

[Lanzo]

Steve,

It's tough but just go with it.

We've not sorted out any of our issues, they are still on the back burner, but last night W let me give her a full body massage, scented oils, mood music, the works. She's promsed to return the favour to me with extras.

At the moment out R is too fragile to delve into the deeper issues so for now we are just enjoying reacquainting our selves with each other. Feels good to.

Lanzo

[Rob1231]

I dont want this to just smooth itself out without being sorted out properly (seeing echos of Lanzo in me now).

I couldn't agree more - so I am repeating some of my recent post on Lanzo's thread here! A lot of it applies for you as well...

I want you to remember something. In many ways, your W is still REALLY, REALLY SCARED. She had made up her mind that her M was over - and believe me, she was not a happy person when she did that. Now, she sees hope for the two of you - do you understand how difficult it is for her to throw her heart and body and soul back into that relationship after having "failed" once? I think it actually takes a lot of guts for the WAS to come back, maybe more than for the LBS to recommit - because we never gave up like they did. Add a hearty helping of guilt on top of that - do you see how "putting herself out there again" would be just terrifying? So, when she is tentative, and insecure (I'm thinking back to the big party with your family), take it easy on her - let her come back at her own pace.

[one_light]

Hey Steve,

Go with the flow sounds pretty good. All of it seems positive. She is simply a bit tentative… skiddish if you will. If you will allow me an analogy, I have been a terrible failure with women, but I do know horses. You’ve already got the horse in the pen, you’re now in the process of trying to re-introduce the saddle. The problem with this mare is that she’s already had a negative experience with you, the rider. The horse will not only mistrust you, but all the things that go with it… the saddle, bridle, the blanket, the bit… especially the bit.

Like I said, you have her in the pen. You now have to “sack her out.” You have to approach the horse from the side as she can’t see you as well with a straight-on approach and it will make her nervous. As you approach from the side, she will pin her ears back. This signals that she is perceiving this situation negatively. You speak to her calmly, confidently. You touch her neck. She pins her ears back again. You rub her neck, always speaking softly. She starts to relax. Her ears go forward. Your goal is to be able to rub her ears as she will only do this if she is trusting you. You reach for her ears. She grunts, crow-hops and definitely pins them way back. You start over. You speak calmly, you rub her neck. You repeat this process until you can rub her ears. You finally do.

You are now rubbing her ears, you stroke the bridge of her nose, you are speaking softly. As you are doing this (she is calm and distracted) you slip the reigns around her neck. You bring the bridle up over her face. You put the bit to her mouth. She violently shakes her head. You do not let go of the reigns. You calm her down. You re-introduce the bit. This time she takes it. You secure the bridle over her head. You now have her by the reigns.

It is now time to re-introduce the saddle. You start by simply laying a feed sack over her back. She will probably accept this as it is light and non-threatening. As she becomes used to this, you introduce the blanket. You are slowly working your way up to the saddle. Eventually she will accept this. In time she will be comfortable with the idea of accepting the idea of you, the rider. Before long you will be “back in the saddle again.”

An imperfect analogy, I know, but it is something I often think of to give me patience and resolve. Good luck and hang in. You’re all but there it seems to me.

[saffie]

hey - you a horse guy one_light???

[Rob1231]

hey - you a horse guy one_light???

Ya think?

[smith18]

He is from Texas.

I suppose along the same analogy, we could refer to OM as "The Jackass" trying to make a Mule.

[steve477]

HI guys

Baby kicked for the first time this morning!! I had gotten up before my W as usual, did a few bits, then went to wake her up, and get into bed with her for a few minutes, as usual. She took my hand and placed it on her belly and asked if I could feel anything (she thought she was constipated) Then I felt it!! That was great!!!

This is tough Lanzo, I have always felt the toughness more when we are getting along well, as I am ready to then take another step, but she is not. Like I cant see a reason for mot moving along.

HI Rob, I guess your advice does make sense, and there is nothing I can do to speed up the process for her. I have just let her know that she has a `green light` for whenever she is ready. Just hope it is not too long!

This is a time probably to really keep working on making myself attractive to her. That is the only way I can speed things up... appealing to her biological nature! lol We watched `300` the other day. I commented that if I had a body like those spartans she would have no problem kissing me! She said `oh yeah!`lol Gym 7 days a week here I come!!!

I think I shoud stop looking at the sitch as wanting to kiss my W and being a bit miffed that I cant, because for some reason I feel as though I should be allowed to. I should start looking at it as if we were just first dating again. I wasnt `allowed` to kiss her then I had to work the magic to `earn` that first kiss. Might be time to dust off my old `moves` (if I actaully had any!lol). Back to courting!


Hi onelight

I LOVED that analogy. I did make sense, and it also made me smile alot. Put a few naughty thoughts in mind! Dont know about using that technique for getting her back, I am thinking to use that technique for an `early night` after I have got her back!!

You are now rubbing her ears, you stroke the bridge of her nose, you are speaking softly. As you are doing this (she is calm and distracted) you slip the reigns around her neck. You bring the bridle up over her face. You put the bit to her mouth. She violently shakes her head. You do not let go of the reigns. You calm her down. You re-introduce the bit. This time she takes it. You secure the bridle over her head. You now have her by the reigns.

Oh yes!lol!!!

OK OK OK, before all the ladies here descend on me.... I am just joking!!!!!

we could refer to OM as "The Jackass" trying to make a Mule

Not following that Kerry.

Saffie, really good to see you!

W called me at work today, said she was worried about me, wanted to know how things were with my Dad. We talked a bit about work, we had a laugh together, I asked if the baby had kicked anymore. Just a nice chat.

Good day, except for my growing frustration!

Cheers

Steve

PS my sister is into horse big time too. She got some kind of rosette yesterday for some kind of jumping! Can you tell I am not a horse guy!

[one_light]

hey - you a horse guy one_light???

Yes, Quarter Horses, but not the expensive kind. I grew up on a working ranch; a cow/calf operation to be exact. A noble animal to be sure. Sorry if I went a bit overboard on the analogy.