Am I being a martyr and how would I know? Yes, I understand the definition of a martyr. The probelm I'm having, is reconciling my actions (NC) with the perception of "oh, poor me!" I have done alot of "soul searching" during this process and have not always been happy (at times horribly embarassed and ashamed) at what I've found. This one eludes me though. I believe I've gone NC for myself, but something is nagging at me and I cannot put my finger on it. If someone has/had a similar experience and would be willing to share, I'd greatly appreciate it.
I wish I could get as introspective as you get. I am having a tough time with that. I do things everyday that I look back on and am embarrassed with, wish I did not do that or if I could have that moment back.
I'm going to take a shot at this, please tell me if I have it wrong.
I too feel that this relates to me and the NC and all the other MLC i'm trying to accomplish....
Yep, sometimes I wonder why do I have to do all the work and do I have the steam.....
and I'm tired ( of the drama) and nobody cares (or sometimes seems like it) and the kids need to be taken care of (no matter how old they are, this has affected them too) and the H (needs distant but caring conversation but only when necessary) and other people want me to move on (time moves on for them) and I keep plugging along and have self doubts about what the heck I'm really tring to do when it seems the whole world wants me to move on ( but I still love the Pain in hte Butt) Yea, I feel sorry for myself and yea I sometimes want to give in but....
I know that if this ends up the way I want it to, it will all be worth it and if it doesn't well then I did all that I could do and I can honestly say that to all whom ask.
I would know that I was being the martyr if I continued to stay in the frame of mind of " why the heck do I have to do everything, why is it always me and I quit because it has to be all about me now
E
"Sometimes in the winds of change, we find our true direction"
Because I read somewhere that as long as we feel the victim of what has been 'done' to us, that we cannot heal. We need to stand up and realize that it is not done TO us, and that we can stand up to it and for ourselves. Once that happens, the healing starts....
I think that that is the point that it is no longer important whether you have NC or not...at that point a new relationship starts and we go on from there.
Love Cinders xxx
"In the depths of my winter, I realized there is within me an invincible summer" Albert Camus
NC - You're supposed to do it for you, and you alone. But really, deep down, don't/didn't we all want it to provoke a reaction from our spouses?
I did, at first.
I really wanted her to be curious, and realize what she was missing, I got to the point of realizing what I wasn't missing before she got there though...and THAT made reconcilling harder.
I am not complaining, harder is better, it made us both work at this.
Are you a martyr? Do you feel like one? Do you like the sympathy of others? Would you rather hear, "Poor you," or "You seem to be doing well?"
I think that the worry you have about 'other' people's perception... I don't think you're a martyr. The fact that you are worried about it, also a good sign.
Looking hard and long at ourselves honestly...no one is going happy with all they see, the important thing is to change the things we don't like.
I think a martyr would complain more and do less.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
I want to add that, at least from everything I have read on this board, you are definitely not a martyr. If anything, you are being "martyred" for what you believe in but I do not see you seeking it out or taking pleasure from it.
Just as Jack stated above, the people we see today that embody the definition of a martyr usually "complain more and do less". That is not you, in my book.
Hugs!
Me:56, W:51 D:26,S:24,S:22 Married:18 Bomb 9/27/06 Separated 11/27/06 Divorced 10/6/08 Leaving it up to God
You know me. You know my sitch. Let me try to put my finger on it because I think I've felt similar.
You're a strong, STRONG woman. You know that YOU'LL get through this. You're grieving. You're grieving the fact that your family isn't going to be the way you pictured it, at least not now.
I'm where Jack was. I've seen a glimpse of what I was missing. And I deserve better. I'm done, truly done. I don't want her back. Is there a set of circumstances where I would take her back? Yes. Is there a snowball's shot in h*ll that there's a chance of that happening? Not likely.
And somehow, that makes it easier to live. And thrive!!!
Everybody hurts. It's part of life. Don't miss the good stuff.
Maybe you're so used taking all the responsibility for keeping the marriage ball rolling that going dark makes you feel like you're withholding? Or doing the opposite of what you've been conditioned to feels weird and wrong, so you attribute a bad motive to yourself for doing it?
People who play the martyr wallow in self pity, and that ain't you! Please don't feel bad about doing what you must to preserve your sanity and dignity.
