We had one of our nieces stay two nights with us over this past weekend. After dinner on Friday, Mo2C and I started talking. She mentioned that one of the apartments that she had looked at had already been taken. I mentioned that it sounded like fate that maybe she should stay instead of go. I told her that she really didn't need to go. I thought that if the intent was to continue to work on us, the moving out seemed a little drastic. She got flustered that I have been saying that I would support her and yet it seems like I keep changing my mind. She asked me what my major concern was. Was it that I would be losing her and didn't want to let go? I told her that a lot of it was the money that was bothering me. That I didn't think that it was wise to spend a thousand a month on an apartment when we can't seem to stay within our budget currently. We went off on a tangent about money in general and how we've been spending too freely over the past year. Sensitive topic in general, but then we got back to the R discussion.
She said that she thought this was the only way for her to really know if it was me that she really wanted or if she was just comfortable being here. She wants me to take advantage of it an see other people. She asked me what it was that I was so afraid of when thinking about the separation. I told her that I thought it was the idea of being alone. I remember back before I had met her, it felt like it was so hard to find someone to be with. I remember thinking that the whole dating scene really sucked and dread going through that again. On the other hand, in the months when she was having the affair, there had been several times when women actually picked me up, so maybe it isn't all that bad.
She asked why is it that I want to stay with her when she doesn't give me the things that I deserve. She wants to think of me when she is at work. She wants to want to come home to me and be happy to see me. She wants to want to cuddle with me at night and want to make love. We talked a lot about her changing libido and that much of this started years back. Was it because I had high libido and was often pursuing her? Making her feel pressured and then withdrawing? She now has a different libido, so it is hard to compare then to now. She said even now she can feel the desire for sex, but not necessarily want it with me.
I said that if she or I were to start dating, it can be easy to find someone that will trigger the feelings of passion and desire. Thinking about that person all the time just because it is something new. How do you know that once you've found that someone new that you won't end up in the same situation five or ten years down the road. How do you know that you may come to realize that what you've left behind was really a good thing?
We talked about the logistics of her moving. I told her that I would help her move. She seemed surprised by this. We talked about the things that she is planning on bringing and we were both on the same page for just about everything that was mentioned.
We also talked about why it is that people are expected to remain monogamous for life. Why aren't other relationships more accepted? Why is it that it isn't accepted to have more than one partner in life? Are we fighting nature by trying to maintain a monogamous relationship for 50 years? Is that an unrealistic expectation?
We started to get into some flirtatious talk. She mentioned that after she's in the apartment, maybe I could get a babysitter and then sneak over to the apartment for a rendezvous. Maybe the whole separation and time apart will really be a good thing for us. Maybe this is just what we need to do. She did say that if there was ever a good time to do this, it is now. Now, because we are really able to talk and be honest with each other. If she had moved out three months ago, the outcome would have been very different. If she stays and things don't improve after a year, she'll be resentful. I think I'm starting to agree that this could be a good move for everyone involved. Difficult at times yes, but the end result could be very positive.
We ended the conversation agreeing that her moving is really what should happen and that we should tell the kids and set a date for two weeks from now.
