anyway, as I stated yesterday, since finding out about the affair a week ago saturday, all the db'ing that was actually bringing us closer kind of went out the window. He got caught, knew it, took my journals as a way to "even things out", and now that he's been caught he's very cold to me. HE'S cold to ME!!! Imagine that. I know he's just projecting his guilt, but it's SO hard. I really thought we were making progress. As of up until I found out about the affair, we were having the best sex ever and it was emotional and close and he'd hold me for the longest time after -- he never used to do that before. We even started talking about future things like our house, etc. I wasn't overly enthused, didn't say I love you, but things felt like they were moving in the right direction.
I went to the city alone this weekend (drove by myself after not driving for 20 years). Had a great brunch with my best friend in Brooklyn. She made a really good point. He's acting like this because in our relationship I was always the "kooky, unorganized, artsy one" (I'm a singer/songwriter) and he was the responsible, paid the bills, "together" one. He was always kind of arrogant that everyone but him was an "idiot" and (these are his words), "life is so simple. just do the right thing and you'll have a good life. I don't get why people consiously f**ck up their lives". Well, as my friend pointed out, look who is f'ing up not just HIS life, but mine AND his 5 year old daughter whom he adores. And everyone in our families knows. He comes from a very close, tight-knit New York Italian family (think everybody loves raymond) and my mother in law literally believes (almost) that my daughter is her "4th child". She loves her more than anything in this world.
My friend asked me, "Mary, can you imagine the shame and guilt he feels now? He was always this model father/boy scout and look what he's doing. AND everyone that he cares about knows!! This has to be killing him and the most obvious place for him to vent his guilt and anger is at YOU."
I know she is right. Yesterday was civil, but I have to admit, my db'ing has gone downhill. I made a comment yesterday like, "well you created this situation, I didn't". I know it isn't helping. AND, I'm humiliated to admit this, I even asked for sex last night. He said, no as it wouldn't be "right". So, how was it "right" do have great sex up until a week ago? Oh, I know, I found out about his lying and the affair!
I feel so hopeless at the moment. I know db works, it WAS working. You'll be proud of me for one thing. All week I've been dying to get to his cel phone to listen to messages and get this chick's number, but he's been literally carrying the cel phone where ever he goes -- he never used to do that (that's how I caught him by the way, he wouldn't let me use the cel that I have used a million times). Anyway, he was downstairs, I was upstairs in our bedroom and there it was. Just sitting there. All I had to do was take it. I could have taken it, and ran to my car and listened and wrote down numbers and I has such a window to do this as he was busy downstairs.
But I didn't. I actually TOUCHED the phone and then decided to not go through with it. I just think it would add fuel to this already insane fire.
Anyway, sorry for long post. Any thoughts would be great.
