WB, Good to hear from you again. Thank you for the 2x4! You are right I do have to learn to detach better. It would obviously be easier if he weren't using the kids to try and push my buttons. It's not so much what he says anymore it is the fact that I see them hurt by what he says and the methods he is employing to get to me. I don't feel i can tell my children not to discuss with me what their father says b/c they need the emotional support in order to be able to climb out of the pit he regularly pushes them into. I do feel i am getting better though b/c I'm not reacting directly to him over what he says and does. So for example I did not take him to task yesterday over what he said to D12 about the camping. Neither did I send the email that I drafted telling him i needed a break. I knew he either wouldn't answer it, come back with something even more hurtful or use it against me. So I am learning (I'm just very slow at getting there )
Cat thanks for your thoughts.
Me 43 XH 45 M 2.7.88 Divorce 7.10.09 Kids D20,S17 & D15
WB you will be pleased to know that I am starting to practice what you preach!
I received an email today from H. He had clearly read my email from two or so weeks ago b/c he had just clicked reply (about events kids are involved in). I was expecting his reply to say he was either attending or not. It didn't even mention any of the events. It was just to tell me that the money he usually gives me as a top up cheque he has paid directly into the bank and has arranged for the standing order to be upped from next month's payment.
So it seems like he no longer wants to use that as an excuse for calling round! Maybe he was going to give it me on Saturday when he called but when I didn't comply with how he thought it might go in his head he has changed his mind. Who knows (or cares as long as I get paid).
Anyway I typed in thank you as a reply. I was going to add something about the events I had notified him about but I didn't. I just decided that if he wasn't polite enough to let me know if he was coming that was his problem and I wasn't going to ask him twice. He deserved the thank you. He didn't deserve anything else.
Me 43 XH 45 M 2.7.88 Divorce 7.10.09 Kids D20,S17 & D15
I was going to add something about the events I had notified him about but I didn't. I just decided that if he wasn't polite enough to let me know if he was coming that was his problem and I wasn't going to ask him twice. He deserved the thank you. He didn't deserve anything else.
I think you will find this freeing: I know I did. We now get the kids' school calendar via email, and I forward it to their father. I don't say a thing about it: he can see what's going on and either discuss it w/ me or with D11. This was a *huge* step for me b/c I was so used to babying him, and also was concerned about this R with the kids (or at least, that's what I told myself...but that's another story.). But the kids' R with him is HIS resonsibility, not mine. As long as I do MY part to nurture it (i.e. let him know about stuff), I've done my bit.
I also think that having the money deposited directly will be good for you, as it will make you feel more independent. At least, I hope so.
You are doing great Alison!
~Nicola
Life isn't about finding yourself; it's about creating yourself My thread: Trusting God's Plan
I also think that having the money deposited directly will be good for you
That's the thing 90% of it already was. It was just the extra bit that my L told him he had to pay that he was giving me by cheque. I still don't think he is paying anywhere near enough but that will get sorted in the legal process. I'm more than managing my money at the moment so I'm not going to rock this boat and upset the spew monster again!
Me 43 XH 45 M 2.7.88 Divorce 7.10.09 Kids D20,S17 & D15
WB, I'm glad someone has confidence in my skills as a human being right now I don't feel like anyone else has.
I've had a real tough day. First it's a long day b/c I've been to uni. I went with enough money in my purse this morning to pay for the taxi fare to the train station and my train ticket to uni. I planned on getting extra cash for my return journey etc from the cash machine at the station. The cash machine however had other ideas. It went through all the motions of doing what I requested it to do and then swallowed my card and didn't give me any money!!!!!!!! So before I even got on the train I had to call home to get one of the kids to give me the telephone number for the bank so I could cancel my card. I am now w/o access to money until at least Friday.
Half way through the morning I get a TM from D17 saying she was just on her way to college and S15 still hasn't gone to school. I phoned him and he told me he was ill! There was nothing wrong with him when he went to bed last night He later phoned me back to say he had received a letter telling him had been successful in his application for college next year.
D17 kindly agreed to come and pick me up from the station when i returned. Good job really otherwise I would've had to walk the 5/6 miles home. On the way home D17 told me that S15 had gone out with his friends despite it being a house rule that if they are ill during school hours they don't socialise with their frineds in the evening. I sent him a TM telling to ensure he was home when I was. Of course he wasn't. Due to having no money I hadn't had a hot drink since 7am this morning so I made D17 and myself a cup of tea. She had arragned to go to her Dad's at 8 but what she hadn't said was that she hadn't eaten (this was 6.30 at this point). She threw a right wobbler when she realised I was sitting down drinking my tea. I left her to calm down and went to search for S15 b/c I had already rung him and given him 20 mins to be home (the length of time it should've taken to walk from where he said he was). He wasn't there so by this time I was really cross. D17 escalated the row when I got home agian telling me all the things she didn't like about the way I chastise S15 when he misbehaves, etc etc. By this time she had started to cook her own tea (making sure she cooked something that nobody else liked). As no-one had unloaded/reloaded the dishwasher whilst I was out during the day I began to do this as I couldn't start any food for anyone else until she had finished doing what she was doing due to my kitchen being so small. Finally I started to prepare food for S15 (who still isn't home) and D12 (who as it turns out was in bed asleep b/c she is so tired from not going to bed at night when she is asked). My humger had disappeared by this time.
The piece de la resistance was when D17 then asked D12 if she wanted to go to Hs house with her. I pointed out that she hadn't eaten yet and she snapped back at me 'We haven't seen our dad for at least 2 weeks'. I calmly replied that this was not my fault. She did acknowledge that but then snapped something back. I'd had enough by this time and snapped back that I didn't know why they didn't all just pack their bags and move in with H (I'm not proud of that). She said she had no desire to move in with H but couldn't wait to get the f88k out of here.
AAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH vent over
Me 43 XH 45 M 2.7.88 Divorce 7.10.09 Kids D20,S17 & D15
just sending hugs)))))))))))) sorry it was a rotten day, somedays you just say the first thing that comes to your mouth in desperation (guilty of that this am, brought up ow as "whore" with H, not a bright moment"
ANYways, hope you have a much much better day tomorrow hon)))
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
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