Why Can't I DB the right way??

[water2moon]

H has been back home now for 2 weeks. HE calls me constantly, he hugs me when he leaves and comes home, he's patient with me and seems understanding when I rant and rave almost daily.But i'm seriously sabotoging this and I'm afraid he will soon go back to OW because he thinks i'm nuts. I keep reading Carol and Dean's Story in DR. It took 9 months for Carol's H to finally say he was ready to work on their marriage. It's been 2 weeks and I keep questioning mine. Today he told me that I want something I haven't had in years. So I flipped out..I told him that this past Summer he did make love to me and he did tell me that he loved me.And this is what i want to have back. Now he sleeps next to me but does not touch me at all..not even a kiss. The other night I draped his arm around me and his hand was practically clenched in a fist so he wouldn't touch me. But I'm thinking that he did fall out of love years ago and this is what he means. I know he does still feel emotionally attached to the OW and I feel so alone..Yet he's here..I am trying so hard to GAL. I enrolled in school again and will attempt a Career change as well once I complete my studies. I am hoping that once i get started I won't have time to look for crumbs that he may or may not throw my way..But it hurts so bad..Last night I was watching a movie and the couple became intimate, I started bawling and kept thinking he recently experienced that yet I haven't in months and it just seems so unfair..I'm attractive and I do get attention form other men and I have been saying horrible things to H. I tell him that I'm not a nun and I will get it elsewhere if I don't get it soon. Then we get into this huge fight and he detaches even more.So I'm back at square one. Tonight i called him at work and told him that although I can hear the Dispatch radio in his Truck
( paramedic) that for all I know he can be parked outside of OW's house. And I told him maybe we should just seperate because i can't live like this anymore. So then he tells me please just have some patience..Don't rush me.I asked him if he ever thought he could love me again..And I swear he paused for what seemed an eternity and then told me "probably given some time, but what you're doing daily is not helping'so then I start crying and hang up on him..He calls me again and tells me that he'll be on a call till about 3 Am and told me to turn on the news at 10 that he might be on it..Apparantly some people were injured at catering hall in Queens ..So I right away suspect he'll be with OW..But I know that if he is my ranting and raving will not make it stop..I know what i should do..but why can't I do it?? Does it get easier??