My first post - Dday#2 and separating

[Doing_My_Best]

It certainly won't hurt to give him the book, but give it to him with NO expectations that he will suddenly grow up and do something right.

I did something similar in my sitch. I gave my WW a book called "Between Two Worlds" (a good 'kids and divorce' book). She just got mad at me, saying that the kids would be better off with divorced parents than parents that don't love each other.

I was doing it to make a point, and I thuoght it might "reach her." But my expectations were dashed.

So, give it to him if you want, but have zero expectations.

[stillbreathing]

Thanks you dmb. I'm trying to let go of any expectations. I have reservations about giving it to him because i do fear it will just make him angry, but at the same time, I know its really important to come to terms with the problems we are going to have to face without our children.

journaling:

I'm so in and out. I really wish I could just find some stand of stability. One moment I am fine, happy, loving my kids. The next moment I am consumed with loneliness, fear and anxiety. I miss him. Aside from our marriage, he was my best friend. I loved talking to him. I loved laughing with him. I loved raising our children together. There isn't a moment in the day when I don't miss him. I can't seem to understand why he doesn't miss me too.

I'm doing my best to just move on with my life and let it go. Still there is always this dark looming hole inside of me that is so afraid that i am simply putting the final nail in the coffin. I know that *right now* he is done with our marriage. I know i have to accept the fact that that might never change. But it feels impossible to really grasp that.

[Doing_My_Best]

Just trying to understand more about your sitch...

It means that if he left her, she would tell me about their affair.

Question -- what good will that do her to tell you? Why is this something she thinks she can hang over your head? You know they are having an affair, you know what that means. Is this something you really fear?

[stillbreathing]

No, this was before I knew they were having an affair. She knew that his biggest fear was for me to find about their relationship. She knew that although he chose to have that relationship with her that he still wanted to be married and close to his children. She knew that if he left her, the only thing of value that she could take away from him was his family. The only way that she could hurt him would be to hurt me and our family. I guess she figured that if I found out about their affair, I would just walk away from my marriage. Directly after dday#1 and dday#2 when she becomes aware that I know about the affair, it deflates her and she backs away. For a little while. I don't know what she is doing now. I try not the care. After dday#1 she turned into a real live stalker. He crumbled under the pressure. I think he feels a responsible for ruining her life.

[stillbreathing]

One of his major complaints for a long time is that whenever there is conflict I turn "robotic". I look at the details and reality of a situation and try to create a positive outcome. He says i turn unemotional, but i have a hard time understanding how he can say that. I cry, I feel, i emote all over the place. But i also try to deal with it. I'm trying to process this.

How do I relate issues with the kids and finances with him, how do I stay detached, and yet not appear cold and calculating? How do i express emotions to him without him throwing up walls and feeling attacked?

[stillbreathing]

journaling:

Last night I had a dream where my middle son fell off a cliff. H tried to catch him but he couldn't and i watched my baby drop into a deep ravine. I thought he was certainly dead, but H went to get him and although he was hurt he was alive. I tried to get him to the hospital but everything I did was wrong. I tried to take a bike instead of a car. I went to the hospital thats 10 miles away instead of the one right up the street, I went in the wrong door, etc. Anyway, I woke up with tears.



This morning H came into my room and asked to talk for a minute. I said ok. He said he changed his mind and doesn't want to use the schedule because it would "ruin his life". He was ready for a battle and had no intention to giving in. I asked him if would be easier if we sat down to make a different schedule each week and he said yes. I think I diffused that one for now.

He then went on "I know I shouldn't even be thinking about it and its none of my business but for the kids, I am worried about how you are handling this all. You sit in your room alone, you go out to bars and just leave when you don't have to take care of the kids..." I looked at him quizzically and asked "What makes you think I'm going out to bars?" (I'm not). He got ruffled and said "I don't know! I don't know what the hell else you could be doing!". I said I'm fine. He doesn't need to worry about me. I'm giving us space and taking care of myself. He said "fine. whatever." and left the room.

He went into the music room and BLARED through the house a song he wrote after dday#1. The chorus goes "But the heart that I'm breaking is the one that will save me, and the truth keeps on giving itself away". A few moments later when we passed in the kitchen he said "I don't want you to get the wrong idea. I wasn't playing that song to you. I'm just trying to get the levels right on the recording." A shrugged and said ok.

I was pleasant to him the rest of the morning and we chatted about a minor things. His friend came to pick him up, they are playing a show in another state and he won't be back until tomorrow. I told him to have a good time and he told me to have a good night. I smiled and said I am sure I will.

I feel stronger today.

[stillbreathing]

Had a few days of peacefulness and was finally starting to feel like I was coming into acceptance of everything. Last night I went over to my friends house and as I sat there I started to mourned how my whole life is different, not just my home and marriage. There were a lot of people there and no one asked about things. Everyone knows but no one knows how to bring it. I know they all have questions. H's best friends girlfriend ended up coming over and although she was nice she just didn't know how to treat me. I know h has talked to both of them a lot. I ended up leaving early because it just got to be too much. They are all loving people but its sad how my life feels different.

This morning I was chatting with H about groceries and taxes, etc and he started to quiver. I pretended not to notice and just went about our conversation. I think he knew i was about to exit gracefully and he said "can I say something?" and I still acted oblivious to his emotions and said "sure" He said "I love you. And i guess that's really all. I don't know if will change anything in the end, but these past few days all I have wanted to do is wrap my arms around you and tell you I'm sorry and I love you. I've never lied about that. I've always loved you." And I smiled and said ok and thank you and walked away. I went to my room, locked the door, turned up the stereo and sobbed.

[girlfromipanema]

SB,

Wondering how you're doing. Haven't heard anything from you in quite some time.

I hope all is well.