Well, Telling DS19 went about as well as I could have hoped for. Of course he's pissed at his mom. And he's so smart. I never once bashed her and repeated to him quite a few times that she's not a bad person, but she got wrapped up in something and before she knew it, it had got out of control and now she's an alien (didn't use that word, but that's the idea). And you know what he said? "Mom is going to grill me and try to get me to say that you were bashing her and I'm going to tell her that you never once said anything about her that was disrespectful, but you did tell me the truth".
I went into most of the details with him. He's an adult and I felt like he had a right to know. I told him that the most important thing for him was to do good in school and that no matter what happens, I WILL NOT DESERT HIM OR HIS BROTHER. I told him what a POS his mom is hooked up with. Maybe I shouldn't have said that, but IMHO, that's the only way I can make sure that this loser isn't integrated into my kids lives if we do separate/divorce.
He asked me if I would spend the night with him so of course I did. We hung out, talked and talked about integrity, the truth, what marriage means, etc. We watched the NCAA's. Went and got pizza at 9:00 at night, talked to some of his friends (DS won the NCAA pool that he and some friends had going so we had to go collect his money). I felt like a real college student (I went to community college so I lived at home during my college years).
DS19 told me that he and DS15 had talked back in Nov and DS15 told him about WW sleeping on the couch and taking her wedding rings off etc. DS15 then told DS19 that if we separated/divorced he would want to live with me because he thinks I'd do a better job raising him! They both love their mother (as it should be) but I think they realize WW tries to be more of their friend than their parent. Man that made me feel good. Guess WW's little plan isn't going to work out the way she thinks it will huh?
Well, that's about it. I'm sitting here typing while DS sleeps. He's holding up remarkably well considering the circumstances. I talked to him about his college having counseling services and if he ever feels like he needs someone to talk to he can call me anytime or he can talk to the counselors here. I told him to stay busy, don't spend any more time alone than he has to, etc. I'm sure it'll be a real tear fest when I have to leave this morning.
Why can't these people see how their actions affect the people they claim to love the most?
Hope4us
Me - 49, W 49 S22 & S18 Dday 9/4/07 W claims NC 4/7/08 8/29/09 - Divorce Busted. Lots to work through, but we're going to make it.
Welcome to the board. Yes, there is hope. But at times, hope is not enough. You need to read []Divorce Remedy[], by Michele Weiner-Davis. Michele believes in saving your marriage by creating change within yourself. She believes, if you are given the right tools, one person can save his or her marriage single-handedly.
My advice to you is to do things differently. Right now, do not nag, yell, or pursue him. Stay away from relationship talk right now. This is the 180s. The Get-a-Life (GAL) technique will help tremendously. Basically, you place the attention on YOU, and keep busy. Enjoy pleasurable activities so that you do not obsess over H. The GAL will empower you, revive you, and hopefully, grab your H's attention. Since you are doing something different, H is bound to take notice!
The "Advice from Wise D'bers" forum, and the others found here hold a lot of info. Please return, hang in there, and divorce bust!
Not sure why Tia is welcoming you now, as you are a veteran with a locked thread. And I thought you had a wife, and not a husband?
Glad it went well with DS. VERY good job not bashing his mother, he will (and already is) draw his own conclusions. You are already their consistent one, their rock, and I know you will continue to do so.
I am still laughing at the copy and paste response Hope got. As individuals, we can offer so much more support, and better support since we can keep up on situations and truly care about the person, since we 'know' them. But yet, we are discouraged to contact each other. I would be lost without a few people that have my cell phone number on here.
I like it when a post of mine from a month ago gets a cut and paste resonse. My sitch has drastically changed since then, but I get a bizarre answer anyhow.
Hope4Us--I am so glad that you and your son had a good talk and a nice time together. You are right. He is an adult. Heck I am sure some people on this board got married when they were 19! He needs to know what is going on and decide for himself how he is going to treat his mother. Just think how worse it could have been if YOU didn't tell him and he learned about the affair from someone else?
You are doing a good job. I am thinking about you and said a prayer for you at church today.
Sara
Me-31 H-38 M: 5 yrs T: 7 yrs No kids Went to Prostitutes 10-1-06 Found out about OW 12-24-07 Bomb on EA/PA: 1-2-08 OW ended it with H "for good" 3-8-08 OW is back 4-19-08 H and OW tell me that they are in love 5-19-08 Filed for divorce 6-5-08 Divorced 7-2-08
In picking on Tia (and justifiably so, I think), I failed to say "ATTABOY" for the quality way you handled exposure to your son.
You are obviously a man of integrity, and high moral character. Any woman would be lucky to have you. Here's hoping that your wife wakes up soon and realizes that it could be her.
Ok, now DS15 knows. He's known all along. He actually asked his mom a number of times last fall what "his name" was and WW acted like he was crazy. And he's pissed. He wants to kick OM's a**. He wants to call him and tell him if he ever touches his mom again that he's going to kill him. He also said he knows the loser is going to hurt his mom and then she's going to be left with nothing.
Man I raised some smart boys. I think WW must know something's up. DS15 told her where I was yesterday and this morning and when I got home I said to DS15, lets go, we need to talk. He stuck his head outside (it's a nice day here), and said to her "I'm going for a drive with dad". Anyway, she hasn't come inside yet, so that'll be fun. DS15 said he's going to wait until she takes him to school tomorrow and have a "fun" conversation.
I'll keep you posted. Thanks for all the support.
Hope4us
Me - 49, W 49 S22 & S18 Dday 9/4/07 W claims NC 4/7/08 8/29/09 - Divorce Busted. Lots to work through, but we're going to make it.
