As the single Parent I know how tough that i, but I see it as being very lucky to have my family with me. D stays with W 3/4 nights but they are realy sleepovers and her stuff , pets and home is very much here.
Purr,
I think detachment comes with time and the realisation that our M had been in deep trouble for some time . It is interesting that when OM was in the picture , W realy looked for faults in me and displayed anger and indifference , I guess in an effort to convince herself what she was doing was justified. Now there is no OM her attitude is somewhat softer but over the last few weeks a bit more distant . I would guess that contact with me is difficult and confusing at times. She is quite determined to make seperation work and is single minded about this. I just needed to accept that . I do not know what the future holds , I doubt she does.
Back to the present.
Not much to say had virtuly no contact other that W phoneing me to talk about D until she dropped D home yesterday. Then she stayed for dinner and a movie. She was tired and subdued so there was not a lot of interaction . Sometimes I get this feeling that she is waiting for me to do something.
In any case if she ever wants to come back she will need work for it and I dont see that happening for a while if ever.
I dont like it , but I am happy , enjoy my days and what I do have , I think thats the biggest thing is to enjoy what you do have.
You said Originally Posted By: C_K I would guess that contact with me is difficult and confusing at times.
Quote:
Can you say more on this? In what ways / why do you think this might be?
Some time ago perhaps even 2/3 yrs ago , W decided that she would quit our M based on her perception of how things were. a little over 12 months ago enter a new C_K armed with some information ( Divorce Remedy ). Over the next 12 months I change behaviours and dont act in a way that is expected based on the past. Now W seems to like this new improved C_K and enjoys spending time , but she has also taken some drastic steps to leave the R. See how it goes , I am not acting as expected , W gets thrown in to a place thats not so clear cut.
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Question is--waiting for us to do WHAT???
I am not sure , perhaps slip back into old behaviours? perhaps beg her to come home ?
I dont think she ever expected me to cope after she left.
Not realy that exciting . W came by both days over the weekend , stayed for dinner Friday , Sat and Sunday ( Today ) , seemed in quite a good mood Saturday did a bit of stuff for the kids ( I was out for most of the afternoon) . Watched a movie then left. Today comes by , was a bit more distant at times , I kept myself busy so did not have a great deal of interaction.
Nothing has changed in our R , no forward steps , non back , no R talk , all a bit dull realy.
I am so good at telling others what they should do and yet I dont follow half of it , so here is my 2x4 to me.
C_K
Your W is cake eating. She gets to play happy families when she wants , you help her out when ever she asks and yet she has her own space and life that you don't interfere with even though she walks in and out of yours at will. She knows that you are there and will support her no matter what [censored] she pulls. Shes controlling comes into your house and rearranges the Pantry , complains because there is no pen in the draw , makes herself at home sits and watches TV.
Changing things is good. But don't pull the rug right out from under her...just change something, watch what happens over the next week or two, then make your next move based on that.
If she is ever to come back, she needs to know that it is safe, with no games or guilt trips going on.
Remember the DR book regarding LRT - don't accept all invitations to be together, don't initiate all contact. That doesn't mean to fall of the edge of the earth...just change things up a bit.
Good luck.
Me: 54 Her: 50 and sexy as hell M: 32yrs T: 34yrs Bomb: Sept 26-07 "lost our emotional connection" Bomb 2: Dec 25-07 she's "not feeling desire" She asked if she could come home Apr 26-08! Everything's GREAT!
Yep, I feel your pain, Dave. I get frustrated too.
I actually mentioned this to my W a couple of weeks ago...she said she gets frustrated too - with herself - for not knowing why she feels she needs to do this!
I thanked her for sharing that.
Me: 54 Her: 50 and sexy as hell M: 32yrs T: 34yrs Bomb: Sept 26-07 "lost our emotional connection" Bomb 2: Dec 25-07 she's "not feeling desire" She asked if she could come home Apr 26-08! Everything's GREAT!
If you can be gentle with yourself with that self-administered 2x4, I think you might be on to something. Like Mink says, maybe it can be a graduated change toward a better balance on this for you.
My W. once joked (maybe not a joke) back in the good old days that maybe she needed one husband for sex, adventure, passion / romance, etc etc, and one (ie. me) for being loving, responding of her emotional needs, being solid and dependable.
Great. Sounds like cake eating and fantasy. Unless polygamy is on the menu, I don't see that working.
Not a bad idea, Dave. I think the question now might be how best to do that? You know your W the best, so how do you think the best way to approach her with this would be? Also, something to factor into this decision would be what kind of behavior would she like to see from you with regard to bringing this issue up. Would it be a strong, confident Dave? A submissive Dave? A compassionate, empathetic Dave? A blend of these formentioned characteristics (plus some others, maybe)?
How will you address this?
Also, if you go through with this, make sure you closely monitor her initial reaction as well as her response as the waters settle (i.e. over the next week or two). Take stock and decide where to go from there.
